Hi everyone. Having been a highly sensitive, obedient child with a narcissistic mother, it has taken me until recently, (I am 48 years old), to finally start to ”feel” everything from my childhood. The rage, fear, guilt, and unbearable pain that they subjected me to is coming up to the surface to heal. I never felt it before. I repressed it. I didn’t dare express it as a child for mortal fear of losing my mother’s love and incurring her wrath! I feel it now as it comes up in layers and more often lately because I am taking a stand. The emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic mother is horrible! There is no caring about your feelings whatsoever! You are invisible! You don’t matter! Your feelings don’t matter! And for a highly sensitive child it is even worse! Finally I am feeling some of the feelings I repressed and thank goodness I can look at them objectively and lay blame where it deserves to be! That’s right I said it! Blame! Blame your parents! Oh how horrible–you can’t blame your parents!! I was emotionally abused by my mother and it’s not healthy to hold that in!
At the same time I say that, I am aware at the present moment of my new-found strength and ability to see the truth of who I am, and love, and be loving to myself and others, and persevere …and finally be Free! And walk away! And for that I am grateful! But there was lots of pain and emptiness along the way, times I let myself be walked on and abused by the wrong friends and family members because I had no access to my truth, to my voice, to my true self. Now I am taking a stand and moving forward. And as I gain access to the frozen feelings from my childhood, I am also feeling other feelings I couldn’t feel before like joy, freedom, inner peace, and pride in myself. Now I know I deserve better! I can see it over the horizon! No wonder I have always loved that song by Carole King. “Way over Yonder”. Makes sense now. I am on my way over there. Far away from the dysfunction and fake family love, and control using guilt and obligation. ” But we are your family” blah, blah blah. But are you who I would choose as friends? Now that I am learning to love myself, and take care of myself, and honor my feelings, I am better at choosing friends. For the first time and after a long break from the wrong friends, the right friends are coming into my life. One of these friends is very wise and she told me, “you can look at your family and say, if they were not my mother, father, sister, etc. then would you choose them for a friend, if not, then don’t!” I love that! That is very helpful to me and makes me feel so much better!
As an obedient child, I lived in fear. I didn’t even know it! I repressed that feeling too. Then, when things would happen to me as an adult that triggered that fear in me, I would over-react and get upset. But over time, I realized I had difficulty standing up for myself in fearful situations because I couldn’t express it or label it or explain it. I believe that is because the fear response in me started before I was verbal! At under age 2, when we can’t express ourselves with words, we can only cry to get our needs met. A sensitive child becomes obedient out of mortal fear but you can’t tell–they don’t look afraid because they have repressed it. My fear didn’t finally get acknowledged or expressed suddenly one day–it came up as numbness first. I noticed a pattern in my overreacting to things that would hurt my feelings and this would happen first with my husband. Because of our deep bond and trust in each other I was able to, in the middle of a heated exchange, say to him, “I can’t function!” The first time I blurted it out it felt so satisfying. I wasn’t blaming him for hurting my feelings I was just telling my truth. And when he was able then to listen and be concerned and not feel blamed, I was able to release all the pain and sadness from childhood that was underneath the “ not being able to function”. It takes a long time to figure out the painful emotions that come from these patterns. Saying “I can’t function”, and then “I feel numb”, and just being able to label what I wasn’t able to feel was the start. Then we both started being able to help each other express and release and name the frozen feelings. (He was an obedient child too).
The fear, when it finally started coming up, felt like TERROR and was immobilizing! No wonder I had difficulty with friendships, was too needy in relationships, was hyper-sensitive to criticism. As an obedient child, you put your own needs away and focus on pleasing others–but lying under the surface those unmet needs are still there! Begging for attention! Longing for love! There is nothing wrong with you! You are just afraid to speak up and ask for what you deserve. And in some families there is no genuine love to be given. And even as a tiny child you know it! As the sensitive child in the family you felt it’s absence and it hurt like hell! And you cried and complained and had tantrums of despair in the grocery store! But they shut you up! The fear of being hit or just the mean look from her eyes would feel like a spear of pain through your heart and it would shut you up over and over again until you gave up! And that is the trauma! The pain so unbearable to a child that you cannot survive it and so the repression happens. (See Alice Millers’ book, The Drama of the Gifted Child. ) I didn’t remember having tantrums as a child until recently–I thought it was a different sibling but it was also me. Now I remember and can feel the despair, the feeling hysterical, and wanting so terribly for someone to have compassion and comfort me but instead I was punished for expressing my feelings!
If you experienced this too, the fear you had to repress also held down your true self and all the feelings that went with it. You became obedient and fearful from the trauma but instead of expressing your rage at the injustice of it all, you pushed your feelings down so deep you hid them even from yourself. You didn’t know ’til now that you have such a rich and deep inner life, and a wonderful, loving personality. It was all hiding in fear! Until now!
Now it is safe to come out! For whatever reason, your beginning years were spent in an environment of fear and no love, but there is love out there to be found! Get some support and walk away! Walk away from your abusive and toxic family! Cut the strings and be free! You deserve to be free from the guilt-inducing manipulations, the negative comments undermining your confidence, the fear-inducing threats to kick you out of the will, the comments about your siblings and the rewards they will get for being good. I’m glad I was a Golden Child first. Now that I’m the Scapegoat (because I started refusing to be obedient and put myself and my children first,) I see how my siblings felt. But now they are in denial, pushing down the pain of their childhoods, and reveling in the attention they never got from my mother but now have. As long as you do what she wants, she will pretend to love you. They are the ones in prison and I am the one who is free. I don’t want that conditional love. I don’t trust her and never will again! I want the real stuff. And I am on my way…”Way Over Yonder. That’s where I’m bound!”
And to be honest, now that the backlash has begun from declaring no contact with my entire extended family, I am terrified of the wrath and pain they are feeling and trying to put back on me. But that pain is not my responsibility! My mother’s pain was there before I was even born and as a highly sensitive person I was blamed for it and absorbed it (being an empath) and felt responsibility for it. It’s wrong to take care of them at the expense of myself!. I hate being blamed and turned into the bad guy more than anything. It’s excruciating! But I am worth the fight and I must be strong. I have to take care of myself and my health. I also feel a sense of exhilaration and freedom and pride in myself for being honest and no longer pretending like I approve of how they treat me. With support from my loved ones I can move forward and go for my dreams! And I have learned to comfort myself through the hard times–like when my extended family calls or emails and leaves guilt-inducing messages or pretend to care about our successes now only after I have broken free. I know the truth and I will be strong and hang on ”til the good times–”the sweet tasting good life”… I love that song…Way Over Yonder. I think I will go listen to it now.
For more on the subjects I have written about today please click on “Recommended Books” . Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment about your story of dealing with a narcissistic parent. It will help others to know they are not alone. I would so much like to hear from you. I care and I am here for you.
With love, Elaine
Way Over Yonder lyrics
Songwriters: King, Carole;
Way over yonder is a place that I know
Where I can find shelter from the hunger and cold
And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found
Way over yonder, that’s where I’m bound, that’s where I’m bound
I know when I get there, the first thing I’ll see
Is the sun shinin’ golden, shinin’ right down on me
Then trouble’s gonna lose me, worry, leave me behind
And I’ll stand up proudly in true peace of mind
Talkin’ about a, talkin’ about a
Way over yonder is the place I have seen
In the garden of wisdom from some long ago dream
And maybe tomorrow, I’ll find my way
To the land where the honey runs in the rivers each day
And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found, yes it is
Way over yonder, that’s where I’m
That’s where I’m bound, talkin’ about, talkin’ about
Way over yonder, that’s where I’m bound
I’m deeply touched and grateful that I have found your blog. I marvel at your insight and journey. I found you via Cyndi’s blog and I could not be more tickled right now that I did.
The eternal night are the words I chose to describe the childhood I arose from. I feel a deep connection reading through all that you have said in just this one post. I’m highly sensitive, I’m learning the term “empath” for the first time.
And the mention of the book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, just makes me want to race off to the bookstore this morning.
Thank you for being here in the world.
Dawn, Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate so much your kind words. I understand what you call “the eternal night” and also feel a deep connection to you in how you express yourself in your blog. I hope you like the Alice Miller book–please let me know what you think of it–it was pivotal in my journey to finding my voice. Thank you so much for expressing your gratefulness. Elaine
Thank-you so much for writing this. It has given me the courage to break contact with my parents. from cara.x
cara, Thank you for your comment. Warmest wishes to you as you embark on your healing journey, Elaine
Elaine, I want to thank you for responding to my recent email…about my N father and the insanity he continues to dump on our family….I am grateful to connect with someone like you, who knows the experience and can relate to mine.
I have dealt with trying to please by bending in his direction, but also standing up for truth…battling the denial with my siblings, who are playing the roles of either survivalist, or repressed indentured servants, or submissive denial. My only hope is that we will be loving and supportive in the end regardless of what my father does or does not do. understaning the reality and dealing with it in a healthy way is my desire.
I have battled with unworthiness and self doubt all my life. And going from hope, confidence and focus on what matters to feeling like I’m being thrown into a pit with no way out…..This creates a strong determination and a desire to abort life “as is” and seek a whole new existance……but feeling alone too. Being true to my authenic and loving self with strong,healthy boundaries is the only answer and solution to breaking the chains that bind my yearning heart..
thanks for your understanding and loving words
evenus, thank you so much for your eloquent comment. I do believe you are a gifted writer. The way you are able to put your pain and frustration into such descriptive words shows you are an HSP with much insight and depth and talent. You write “going from hope, confidence and focus on what matters to feeling like I’m being thrown into a pit with no way out”. I think all of us with N parents can relate to this back and forth feeling. Then when you say “this creates a strong determination and a desire to abort life “as is” and seek a whole new existance….but feeling alone too.” This describes a kind of “awakening” that your spirit is going through–a painful and scary time, yet exhilarating as you discover your strength in the expression of the lonely feelings. As you express this aloneness you are going to discover that you do not feel alone anymore as you connect to the well of giving and love inside of your true self and that you are connected to God and the Universe. Your words help support those who feel as you do but cannot yet put it into words–this is the gift of an HSP–you are helping others by sharing your growth. And then, you summed it up perfectly with “Being true to my authentic and loving self with strong, healthy boundaries is the only answer and solution to breaking the chains that bind my yearning heart! Wow. Yes. This really is the only answer and I am so proud of you and so glad you are feeling so strong. Remember your own eloquent words and they will help you in the future as painful feelings come up to heal. Thank you so much for reaching out to me in your email and for your kind words of gratitude. I am so happy to meet you and connect with you. Love, Elaine
Tonight I am googling “how to break up with your mother” and such things, because I have to really do it this time. I’ve tried before, and done a great job! But she won’t let me do it, and it is just like trying to break up with some of the men I’ve dated, or my friends have, and the break up doesn’t take, or they stalk you. Of course now I realize that all started with my mother. When I was young, I thought all my parental abuse was from my Dad. But after his passing, and some years now since then, I’ve realized, though that was going on also, it was my mother that may have done the most harm to me emotionally. Well, I can’t say which, but I know that Dad did right by me before the end, and while Mom is still alive, she treats me terribly, just terribly, and has my siblings doing the same thing.
Anyway, I wanted to say this is a great post, and I appreciate it very much. Wish me luck, I have to walk away from her for good this time so that I can get on with my new found career and with hopefully finding truly loving relationships that have eluded me. I’m 43 years old, and have already experienced the extreme, debilitating anxiety and fear you described, for me it was part of “early” peri-menopause a few years ago. Sadly, I was so ill I had to move in with, that’s right…my mother. This is when I started to see what was really going on.
Thanks again.
Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I understand this “breaking up with your mother”. I often fear this “stalking” happening to me as well after my mother realizes that punishing me with silence is not really punishing me–she will try a new tactic to control me. I’m sure you did do a great job! How wonderful that you know it and express it! I also understand about realizing about more abuse as you get older and changing your view of the other parent. Our illusions protect us from the truth until we are strong enough to deal with it. You sound very strong. I know it’s difficult when the siblings are put against you too. I do wish you luck but you will be fine because you can express the truth about your mother’s treatment of you and you KNOW you deserve better! Best wishes with your new found career–I believe that you will attract these truly loving relationships as you continue to love and honor your self and all of your feelings. Yes, I understand about peri-menopause symptoms and how illness can be part of our awakening to the truth of who we really are and what we want and feel. I also understand how moving back home can make the truth very clear. So glad I have been helpful to you. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your appreciation!
Dear Purplebath,
8 years ago I went no contact with my mother. She was going to force me to keep pretending my father didnt sexually abuse me. I gave a letter to other family members explaining why, as best I could, then took my daughter and left the district without giving anyone except one real friend my new contact details.( this friend gave me $1000 to escape incidentally and saw me off at the airport shouting out “I believe in you Sue”).
I cut off contact with my birth family and a pathologically abusive ex in one go.
I am one of the most loyal and family orientated people I know so I can be pretty sure that I HAD to do this. I dont think I really grasped why at the time but Im getting clearer about that now: I wasnt going to be able to stay around my mother and the world she dominated and heal from child sexual abuse.I had to protect my daughter from the pain I saw being passed down to the next generation. I saw behind her motherly mask as she argued my reality with me one day and there was a cold, calculating , empty person at the core of her.I was struck with the realisation that person was dangerous to me.
I arrived in my new city with 2 suitcases and a daughter to make a life with. It was hard; I felt disorientated, lonely and I worried that my daughters family had shrunk to just me. In the last 8 years I have made this place my home, been there for my daughter( with all my strengths and vulnerabilities) made a living for my family, made friendships, coped with guilt at leaving my family. One sister found me early on andsort of accepted my boundaries of just one to one connection in the present another has just made contact and I will have to establish that boundary with her as she has told me twice its my mothers 80th birthday this month. My relationship with my sisters is always going to be dammaged ; I am not a part of my mothers world and they are.
I havent for a minute regretted moving or going no contact.It was the right thing to do. I am still working on the guilt and the feelings of being worthless. My daughter is worried that Im bad at self care and I hurt myself (compulsive overeating) She will never have that problem because she was loved and cuddled and listened to. She knows she is an treasure. I wish you happiness
Thank you for this sentence: “It is wrong to take care of them at the expense of myself.”
I walk with the weight of my families baggage on my shoulders, waiting for them to do their work…but it has been decades and evidently they are not going to take a look at themselves. Instead, the message has been “Put up and shut up- be here for us or dont be here.”
Recently I have refused to be treated like I dont exist and have been called weird, trouble-maker, etc. I refuse to stuff/deny my feelings (the essence of my self) anymore for the sake of my mothers forced reality.
She thinks she is the director in a movie and can dictate to people the kind of response she expects. She walks on me/stomps me out/teats me like I dont matter and expects me to not have an opinion, but to go along with exactly how she wants things. If I dont go along, I am a trouble-maker, difficult to get along with, and have real problems.
The truth is that she is not in contol; God is in control. I feel that we as humans are all made to bring to the table our opinions, ideas, truths etc. We share the floor with humility and respect- LOVE for each other- God in the center. In my mothers world, she is the center. I fear losing my mother in the process of standing up for myself. That is the toughest part. But I can no longer sacrifice myself for her.
I matter.
And, I have every right to my feelings and to stand up for myself.
Thank you God for walking with me and believing in me.
You are very welcome! Thank you for your comment. I agree with every single thing you said completely and wholeheartedly! SO WELL SAID!! I also thank God for walking with me and believing in me. Wishing you continued strength. Light and Love, Elaine
I too am in my 40s and just realizing the impact my mom’s narcissism has had on me. Why I would often feel so confused and numb, why I could never feel safe ecxpressing my feelings, why I started ppulling out my hair at age 5 to comfort myself, why I continually sought out relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable or downright narcissisitic themselves! I have been reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and realizing that the way my mom related to me constituted an ongoing trauma – the trauma of never having my own Self acknowledged or validated except as some fulfillment of my om’s vision. No wonder I still seek approval from others at my age. But no more. I want more and better for myself. I spent the 1st half of my life struggling with this awful legacy of broken memory, shame, and emotional isolation. Now I am in therapy to face it fully, and to live the 2nd half of my life with fredom and dignity, and, hopefully, the joy of real relationships where love is given and received.
Thanks for posting your story. It helps so much to know others are out there dealing with this same hidden horror… it might not be my mom’s fault that she is the way she is — her childhood was full of abuse & trauma. I know she loves me in her own limited way. But that doesn’t mean I have to live in her sphere of influence or deny the damage she did to me!!!
Hi Katmom, Thank you so much for your comment. Thanks for sharing how your feelings of confusion, numbness, fears of self-expression, self-destructive comforting behaviors, and being attracted to narcissists were all the direct effect of having a narcissistic mother! I agree completely. And thanks for telling me about this book–I am going to check it out. I also just recently read somewhere else about how the day-in-day-out lack of being acknowledged constitutes an ongoing trauma that is as devestating as any severe life-threatening trauma. This is so validating to hear this, isn’t it!? And we were validated by our moms ONLY when it was “fulfilling to her vision”. Yes! Conditional love is not love and we must grieve for never being truly loved.
Congratulations on seeking out and finding support for yourself that will lead you to the joy and love in life that you truly deserve! I’m so glad you were helped by my story. You are helping others too by sharing yours. All of our narcissistic mothers’ childhoods are full of abuse and trauma, the big difference between us and them is their blaming and lack of remorse and passing the abuse onward. Good for you for removing yourself from her “sphere of influence” and stepping out of denial and into the light! What a wonderful example of inner strength and overcoming emotional abuse. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Wishing you continued strength and love in your new future facing forward. Love, Elaine
Katmom, I relate to almost everything you said, thank you for posting, it is still helping me to hear about other people with the same problems.
An update on my situation for Elaine and whoever it may help, I have gone through a variety of very difficult emotions and physical reactions to my final “break-up” with my Mom, but I am so much happier and have so many moments of clarity that are coming through. I am very happy with my decision, and though I still have dreams with her being very cruel sometimes, it is less frequent. Most importantly, I finally feel like an ADULT! It’s hard to describe, but empowering and freeing at the same time. I’m moving on better with my life, even without making the huge efforts I normally have to make just to cope.
Still struggling, but life is so much better from starting to let go and accept that it wasn’t up to me to be someone I’m not, for family or for the world, and it wasn’t my fault (pick a blame lol).
Hi Purplebath! Thank you SO much for updating me on how it’s going! I understand the difficult emotions you may have experienced breaking up with your Mom–and thanks for mentioning the “physical reactions” too that are so much a part of the feelings that come up when we get strong and stand up for our selves. I know how hard this can be and want you to know I am with you. I am so glad you are so much happier and I have also experienced these moments of clarity you speak of–they were a nice surprise. I am glad your unpleasant dreams are less frequent. I actually liked when I had dreams of her being cruel because the guilt from the times I remembered her being nice were what kept me from having peace about our estrangement–the dreams of her cruelty helped me see I had a right to get away so I liked them–but only probably because in the dreams I was fighting back and speaking my mind! ha ha.
About the feeling like an ADULT–Yes! I understand this completely–feeling empowered and free! A huge weight lifted off but also… powerful! So glad you are experiencing this. You might really like Alice Miller’s book called The Body Never Lies–she talks about this becoming-an-adult feeling and the physical reactions from having an N parent. I like how you say “it wasn’t up to me to be someone I’m not…and it wasn’t my fault”. Strong helpful words when we were blamed for everything and given credit for nothing. I am going to borrow my blog friend Upsi’s quote and tell you what Dr. Seuss had to say: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. Isn’t that the greatest?! I Love It! (Thanks Upsi!:) ) Thank you so much for updating me (us) on how you are doing.
I especially appreciate what you said in your reply about the change in the dreams, I agree!
My latest is that I experienced a few days (less than a week) of very scary severe depression, since I last commented here. It has been like a cracking of my “self”, like the real me trying to come out. I had absolutely no idea that I had covered up so much all these years, acted so much like my own mother instead of like me (especially in social situations, people pleasing, and being enthusiastic even when that wasn’t how I felt).
I have never felt that type of feeling, or lack of feeling. I continued seeking a therapist in my area, and finally found one that may allow me to barter for partial payment of services. (The issue of finding help in the US is off topic, but it angers me to no end.)
I helped myself during the darkest days by writing, journaling, and poetry, and came out with some very good stuff. So you guys reading this, don’t give up. Write!
Honestly, I also just sat and waited it out. Not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.
Now I’m feeling better (haven’t even seen the new counselor yet) and I’m on another reading binge, including some of the books suggested here.
Thank you Elaine and all posters, so helpful to have this right now!
Hi Purplebath, Thank you for sharing about the feelings you are experiencing in your recovery. I understand what you mean especially when you say “like the real me trying to come out”. I had this experience a couple times and I believe it was unbearable emotional pain coming up to heal because I was strong enough and ready to feel and release the truth. It is scary if you don’t know what is happening but it sounds like you got through it understanding it was part of your healing. Good for you! It’s great that you gained valuable insight about the false self behaviors, that were like your mother’s, that you developed to survive.
I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time finding the right therapist situation. I understand how frustrating this can be. So great for you to share that writing, journaling, and poetry helped you during your darkest days–Yes! Thank you for saying that–and I’ll bet it is “some very good stuff”!
I really relate when you said you also sat and waited it out. This really resonated with me about one time when the pain that came up was physical. My body was reacting with terror–my heart literally shaking and it was scary but I knew it was from childhood and was able to comfort myself through it and like you said I “waited it out”–like it had to go it’s course and then the next day I felt better and it felt like another layer had been released and healed. Not for the faint of heart, yes. Most people need a safe person like myself or a counselor who understands inner child healing to help in this process for support to work through these scary feelings and physical reactions.
I understand the reading binges too–the books are so helpful, aren’t they? You are on a healing path Purplebath and you are doing such a great job working through this complex and confusing process! Your sharing is helping others so much. Much love and Hugs as you heal, Elaine
I found this blog after searching the internet under “life is not worth living”. I get the narcissitic mother and emotionally disabled sibling thing completely. I am the youngest and only girl with three elder brothers.
After travelling the world, I moved back home (temporarily, supposedly) with family while my apartment was being let. It didn’t stay that way. I started a business at home, got sucked into family dramas and have been thoroughly drained by my toxic family.
I used to be a dynamic and vibrant person, but now I just feel so bereft. My mother is emotionally manipulative and lays the guilt trip on big time. my brothers are no f—–g use and are all energy vampires one way or another. The eldest one is overbearing, domineering and aggressive.
My mother is a chronic attention seeker and has what I call Munchausen Disease by house. So many things keep going wrong in the house so that she can call a handyman, plumber in (or see one of my brothers) and get attention. She’s terrified that if she doesn’t get attention, she’ll die. Very survivalist and awful to be around.
She could drain the life out of Dracula and today has been particularly exhausting and tiring. I am pmt and quite suicidal. This has been going on for years and when I start to feel good about something, she senses it and then becomes a crazymaker draining my energy.
I feel as though I’m losing hope. I haven’t worked for years, having been a professional with my own apartment. I feel drained, completely lost my sense of self and feel so lost.
What can I do when I live with my mother and therefore am exposed to her toxic energies all of the time? And not only that she also attracts visits from other members of the extended family as well, which are tiresome and I normally ensure that I’m out.
But I’m a shadow of the person I was before. I repress so much of my true self, my creativity (I sense jealousy amongst the siblings about my creativity, they normally make fun of it).
I no longer have any friends. I live in an area where I don’t relate to the people around me. I can’t afford counseling and treat myself with EFT and also helplines. But this is limited as the vibrational stew I’m in is so toxic. I feel as though I’m living in quicksand.
Hi bluesky. You did the right thing reaching out to me–everything is going to be all right. I can tell you are a highly sensitive gifted person with much insight and inner wisdom. You understand how your living situation with your toxic family has turned into a viscious cycle of energy loss and negativity and you are exactly right in your description of the situation. You know you must get away and I can help you step by step get stronger and away from them. You deserve freedom and vitality and your life back. With support you can do it! I completely understand your feelings–you are doing such a good job surviving horribly unhealthy and unsupportive relationships in your living space! I would like to respond to your comment in more detail but it will have to wait until tomorrow if that is okay with you. Please be kind, gentle, and loving to yourself first of all–forgive yourself for trusting them…but now you know the truth. You do not owe them anything. You have a right to be angry for being used and abused. Try to savor up the energy this righteous anger provides only for your self and a plan to get back out on your own and on your own 2 feet! There is nothing wrong with you–the fault is with your toxic family and you do not belong there! Your kind heart and spirit is meant for better things and you are stronger than you know. Stay strong and I will talk to you more tomorrow. Love, Elaine
I just want to say I know what you feel like, very similar to what it was like when I had to live with my mom a few years ago. Elaine has replied, and it’s not really my place to say much here, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone, and I got out of it, even though it was…loss for words really. You said it well yourself.
Hi Bluesky. I hope you are doing well. I am concerned since you said you are suicidal that you may need some assistance of a more clinical nature and I want you to continue to reach out to others in addition to whatever advice I give you. Severe PMT (pre-menstrual tension) can cause some women to feel suicidal due to severe hormone imbalance and an antidepressant might be advisable temporarily until you get your hormones in balance and you are stronger. Severe stress can cause hormone imbalances due to increased cortisol. This depletes your adrenals which in turn depletes your progesterone levels which messes everything up! I experienced this adrenal depletion myself but never to the extent of feeling suicidal. First and foremost, you must not take your suicidal feelings lightly. If my messages of support do not alleviate your suicidal feelings, please tell a doctor immediately so you can get the help you need!
I found this blog after searching the internet under “life is not worth living”. I am so glad you found me. I understand, you must be feeling unbearable emotional pain to feel that life is not worth living. You may be experiencing post traumatic stress—feelings from your childhood which were too painful to survive because you were such a sensitive soul. When we experience being rejected for expressing our brilliant selves as children, the pain is so excruciating that we repress it and numb ourselves out, only for it to finally start coming up later in life and it is very hard to bear and understand without emotional support. I get the narcissitic mother and emotionally disabled sibling thing completely. It is so good that you understand this. I am the youngest and only girl with three elder brothers. I am also the youngest girl with three older siblings so I can relate.
After travelling the world, Wow, so you must have many wonderful gifts to have achieved this—academic success in school, a career that was financially viable, and financial success to the point of having extra money to travel. Congratulations! Well, done! I moved back home (temporarily, supposedly) with family while my apartment was being let. It didn’t stay that way. Yes, I understand the desire to go back home only to be surprised that my achievements and gifts were not appreciated and were even ignored. This can cause self-doubt and confusion about your worth as a person. I started a business at home, Wow, fantastic! got sucked into family dramas yes and have been thoroughly drained by my toxic family. Yes, it is so good that you understand exactly what happened here.
I used to be a dynamic and vibrant person, but now I just feel so bereft. Yes, of course you feel bereft—you deserve so much love and support from your family. My mother is emotionally manipulative and lays the guilt trip on big time. This guilt-inducing is an abuse to make herself feel better at your expense. my brothers are no f—–g use they are having a negative impact on your life and are all energy vampires one way or another. It is so good that you understand about them being energy vampires. I agree and understand this completely. The eldest one is overbearing, domineering and aggressive. Yes, I agree these are especially toxic traits for you to be around.
My mother is a chronic attention seeker and has what I call Munchausen Disease by house. It is good that you can see this clearly. You have much insight into your mothers dysfunction. So many things keep going wrong in the house so that she can call a handyman, plumber in (or see one of my brothers) and get attention. She’s terrified that if she doesn’t get attention, she’ll die. Yes, this is dysfunction originating from her childhood—but there is no insight or desire to change–it is not your responsibility to help her. Very survivalist and awful to be around. Yes, awful.
She could drain the life out of Dracula, yes and today has been particularly exhausting and tiring. I am so sorry it has been so hard for you. I am pmt (pre-menstrual tension?) and quite suicidal. This is serious and not to be taken lightly as I mentioned above! This has been going on for years, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure and when I start to feel good about something, she senses it and then becomes a crazymaker draining my energy. Yes! It is so very good that you see this and understand this is happening. I agree with this term “crazymaker”. This is like my mother—she knows the buttons to push to undermine my confidence—she feels better about herself by confusing me and causing self-doubt like she feeds off of it in some sick way. She can appear loving at times but this just adds to the confusion. Once you get that you cannot be around this mental unhealthiness any longer you will feel much relief from your confusion. It is insidious and deceptive—she does not have your best interest at heart and never will. The fact that you recognize this dynamic happening when you start feeling good about something is really good and crucial. Narcissism is a mental disorder that you cannot change because she does not want to change. Conditional love is NOT LOVE and her love for you sounds only conditional. You need and deserve love in your life and it must start with self love. You MUST get away from her for your health—spiritually, mentally, and physically.
I feel as though I’m losing hope. Yes, it is very difficult to remain hopeful around people who do not acknowledge your “self” and your gifts. To survive we develop a false self that is acceptable to them, but the cost to our true dreams, goals, and potential is devastating. I haven’t worked for years, I am so sorry, having been a professional with my own apartment. Yes, I can see how this happened through no fault of your own, you did your best and did not know how poisonous your surroundings were and how negatively they would affect you. I feel drained, completely lost my sense of self and feel so lost. Yes, I understand completely. You are exactly right, in your description of this.
What can I do when I live with my mother and therefore am exposed to her toxic energies all of the time? This is very difficult but not impossible. You must start making a plan to get out of there. And not only that she also attracts visits from other members of the extended family as well, which are tiresome and I normally ensure that I’m out. Okay, this is good that you see this very clearly and you have the ability to get out of the house. That means when you get out of the house, you can recharge your energies and possibly think more clearly and see the truth of this situation. When you leave the house and go somewhere quiet where you can think without distraction, start writing in a journal a new plan for your life. Keep it a secret for your eyes only and it will help you immensely to have this refuge of truth for you to start building yourself back up. You must be your own best friend. You have much knowledge and insight and wisdom inside of you that you have expressed to me and that is what is going to help you through this. Your own wise true self is stronger than you know. You can do this!
But I’m a shadow of the person I was before. Yes I repress so much of my true self, yes my creativity yes (I sense jealousy amongst the siblings about my creativity, yes, you are exactly right in these observations they normally make fun of it). That is awful that they make fun of your creativity. That is not the love and support you need and deserve. You deserve so much more in life.
I no longer have any friends. I am so sorry about this. Often those of us in recovery from abuse must take a break from the wrong friends anyway so we can learn to be our own best friend first—and then we will start attracting the right kind of positive friends into our lives again. I live in an area where I don’t relate to the people around me. Yes, I understand this. Most of us HSPs feel this way in every area that we live. Larger cities have HSP groups called meet-up groups that meet to give each other support. But for those of us not near these larger cities, we can find support online by reading the HSP websites and blogs and blogs about narcissistic parents. I can’t afford counseling yes, I understand this and treat myself with EFT this is so wonderful! I have heard great things about EFT and that it really works at relieving the pain of post traumatic stress and also helplines. I am unfamiliar with this but I am so pleased that you are helping your self in these ways. As difficult as your situation is, I find much to be hopeful about in what you write to me. You KNOW you don’t belong there and that it is hurting you. Your energy is almost completely depleted but you may have not gotten in touch with your anger yet. You have much to be angry about but I do not want you to express any of this anger to your family members. I want you to write it out in your journal when you are outside of your house and devise a plan step by step for you to get financially independent again. You can do it! I know it seems overwhelming but your righteous anger (you have the right to feel angry) is going to provide you with a new found energy that you must focus and direct towards moving forward to the positive and good life that you know in your heart that you deserve. I believe your gifts are God given and God does not want you to suffer. This is a wonderful new beginning for you, and the lessons you have learned about yourself are ones that you will never forget. But this is limited as the vibrational stew I’m in is so toxic. Yes, this “vibrational stew” is a great description of it which shows that you understand about “energy” and how vital it is that you remove yourself from this negative energy that you are absorbing. Do not beat yourself up for not feeling stronger when you are in the house. It is very difficult, even with shielding techniques by the most strong willed HSP to not feel really bad when surrounded by such negative energy. There is a technique that I use that is helpful: imagine yourself surrounded by a cylinder shaped mirror that is facing outwards. Inside you are safe and it is filled with positive energy, bliss, light and love from above. The mirror repels negativity—when negativity sees itself it is repelled and will leave you alone. This is a powerful visualization that can help an HSP relax and feel safe. I feel as though I’m living in quicksand. Yes, I understand. Getting out of the house, more and more, allowing nature, and your belief in the goodness of your potential (God), to recharge your energy more and more will help so much. And releasing your truth, feelings, desires, and wisdom into a journal for your eyes only will help you to start seeing clearly how to devise a secret plan to get back on your feet financially–until the day you can move out of there and stay out of communication with them. Put your self and your needs first. Do not talk to them about your plan—only talk to a safe person who is supportive and can support your feelings. And talk to your own wise self in your journal. I cannot underestimate how valuable a private journal can be to someone in your situation. And when you go back and read your own words of wisdom and strength, you will start to change your beliefs about yourself and your energy will start coming back.
Bluesky, you must save yourself, rescue yourself, and get away! Do not feel guilty about having a secret plan to get out of there! Start small by thinking of a way you can pay the rent on a small safe place of your own—a place where you can gradually heal with lots of time alone. And if my words of support have not been helpful with your suicidal feelings, please seek help elsewhere! Please let me know if I have been helpful to you and in what specific ways so that I may continue to grow in my ability to help others. My warmest wishes and prayers are with you, Bluesky.
Light and Love, Elaine
This comment reply is written in the format that I use in my Email Coaching for any of you out there that may have wondered what it was like.
Blessings to you – I just found this post after realizing for the first time that my mother is indeed NPD. It was a revelation that changed my life and for the first time I’m starting to realize that these wounds can be healed, that I’m ok, that I’m not a horrible person.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Sheila, Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy for you that realizing the truth about your mother is helping you to heal. It is so true–when you realize that the problem is with her (NPD) and not with you, it is such a relief and a start to a new and healthy life! Yay for you! I appreciate your gratefulness for my post very much. Love and Light, Elaine
Thank you for your article Elaine.
I have recently started looking into narcissistic parents when my aunt sent me a link to Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I found I could relate to some of the issues there, yet not everything matched up. And after straying further afield, I realised it is because most of it is written from the view point of the “Scapegoat” children.
I am not sure if I am the Golden Child, because it still strikes me that this position is the indicator of some sort of favour. In fact I feel I dropped into this position mainly because my nature is passive, as opposed to the contentious behaviour of my two siblings, both who resent me as they feel I am my mother’s favourite. I feel that this has just put me in a bad position as I do not really gain any benefit from my parents, and my siblings resent me. This has left me supportless.
It is only recently that I started to stand up for myself and try to extricate myself from her clutches. I was having terrible physical symptoms and debilitating gastro problems to the point I was unable to work. After becoming terribly depressed, my partner took me to a psychologist and we only started identifying problems. Perfectionism, an all or nothing approach, lack of self-esteem, dependence, debilitating need for validation of any decisions, etc. All symptoms of the child of narcissistic parents.
I really wanted to thank you for a viewpoint of a (former) Golden Child, as I was starting to think that even as a daughter of a narcissistic mother I was still an outcast because I was not the Scapegoat and there was little sympathy, support, or resources for children in this position who have similar problems but are unable to find help.
Lisselle, Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry for my delay in responding–I was on a mini vacation for the Thanksgiving holiday. I really appreciate your viewpoint about the mixed feelings about the label of “Golden Child” in the family–I agree with you about how it appears to others to be a position of favor. In fact it is very much an inner prison for the highly sensitive person who is required to be obedient in order to win the love of a narcissistic parent. The fear of being rejected is so internalized we don’t even realize there is so much more to who we really are and a rich, and creative living experience is awaiting us. Our illusions and beliefs about ourselves formed in childhood keep us inprisoned until we begin to see the truth and allow ourselves to feel the unbearable pain and release it as the truth–our true selves were not allowed to be expressed!
Thank you for letting me know that you feel that my blog is unique in that it expresses the painful journey of the obedient sibling (Golden Child) as opposed to the experience of the scapegoat child–I had not really thought of it in those terms and this helps clarify an important issue with my readers. I relate to what you say so much about having the siblings resent you because you were favored but the N parent’s love is conditional upon you not being yourself so you are left with no support at all! So Well Said!
I also understand how difficult it is to begin “extricating yourself from her clutches” and how the physical and emotional symptoms that are fear-based from childhood suddenly abound. How wonderful for you that you were able to find a psychologist that was able to identify your symptoms as being that of a child of narcissistic parents! Unless a psychologist has experienced such abuse themselves or has had a relationship with a narcissistic person, they often cannot understand or adequately help in the healing process. Thank you for sharing that as it is so helpful to my readers.
I am so glad that, through my blog, I am able to help you, a fellow highly sensitive person, feel support and compassion for the “outcast” feeling that we all can relate to. Welcome to our community of HSP survivors. Thank you again so much for your kind words and for sharing your viewpoint so eloquently.
Love, Elaine
Hi thanks for the post. I use to blame my father for his NPD abuse and neglect but in the course of therapy I decided to visit. He of course acted like a little child, then I realized he was a little child and emotionally never developed passed age 6 or so. Which somehow gave me the insight to forgive. I don’t advocate forgiveness for horrible abuse, it is not something anyone can be guilted into, it just happened to me with this insight. Up until recently I chose girlfriends who were narcissistic continually repeating this pattern because I was indoctrinated into believing love is being exploited and disregarded. I realize now there is a whole other area of healing inregards to the love I wish to receive. I had severed ties with my father for years and when I went back I realized I could have only a very limited relationship. He was not merely NPD he was also an alcoholic. I had to stay away from him in order to have any life at all and then from age 17 – 32 I lived through post-traumatic stress disorder and the intense grief of recovery. Now at 39 my father has passed away over Xmas. And I realized more clearly that my brother is NPD at my father’s funeral. Blessing to us all and I hope true healing can come to us all including the Narcissistic ones in our lives, if at all possible.
Thank you, Matthew, for your comment and for sharing your experiences and insights as a survivor of an N parent. I understand about your father being stuck at the age of 6 and how knowing this insight helped you–my own mother seems to be stuck at the age of two. You describe well the hardships and recovery that many of us can relate to–post traumatic stress and the grieving process of recovery. True healing can come for those of us willing to look within, have compassion for ourselves, and heal the feelings and childhood wounds. Unfortunately, this is exactly what the Narcissists in our lives are unwilling or unable to do. Blessings to you as well. You have become wise because of your ordeal and able to spot narcissists better now and have compassion for others. Thank you again for your comment.
I too am finding that the further I get in recovery, the more I can feel compassion for my mom. Her narcissism was the result of terrible childhood abuse — she was never able to develop a complete sense of self. I have raged and mourned for the losses, the terrible loneliness and emotional poverty of my upbringing, but I do know that whatever her limitaitons, whatever boundaries I need to set now, my mother gave me what she could. Letting myself feel all the pain, anger and sadness about the past now makes it easier for me to move on and discover new possibilities…
And I so identify with the realization that there must be a better kind of love. I’m working on making that possible right now…
Best wishes to all for continued healing…
Katmom, Thank you for your comment. I like how you say “letting myself feel all the pain…about the past makes it easier to move on and discover new possiblies.” And absolutely yes, there is a better kind of love out there. When we are able to feel love and compassion for ourselves then we begin to attract this “real love” into our lives. Glad to hear you are doing so well and you are releasing the pain, healing the wounds, and learning compassion for yourself and what you went through as a child, first and formost. Warmest wishes on your continued healing, Katmom.
To clarify to my readers: There is a big difference between a parent who “had” a narcissistic disturbance and a parent who is a malignant narcissist. A parent who is able to feel and express genuine remorse, look inward and grow, learn compassion and love for themselves, and then finally express this love to you deserves compassion and forgiveness. The malignant narcissist on the other hand can be more like a sociopath and mimmick this remorse and apology as they can be brilliant and convincing actors who can be insidious, master manipulators who can guilt you into forgiving them too quickly. This can leave highly sensitive souls feeling confused, enmeshed and revictimized all over again. There are many levels of narcissistic abuse and we each will have different requirements in our healing.
Many of our N parents were abused as children. But that is no excuse for those who continue the cycle of abuse that they subject their children to out of ignorance and no remorse. There are many people who are emotionally abused who do not go on to blame, lash out, disempower, control, induce guilt, and intentionally cripple the self-esteem of their children with this sense of entitlement. Please do not feel as though compassion for your N parent “should” be your goal when in fact compassion for your self and what you went through can be impeded if you try to empathetically understand your N parent.
A malignant sociopathic narcissist can twist the truth, deny all wrongdoing, and guilt you into feeling sorry for “them”. It is dangerous for highly sensitive souls who have been victimized by such a “dark soul”, that puts on an act of “poor me I didn’t mean to”, to forgive these acts of conditional love and exploitation when the true healing has just begun. Each person must decide for themselves the extent of malignancy of their N parent and not feel guilt if the answer is to put their own feelings first and stop all contact and not extend compassion or forgiveness in order to protect themselves from a dangerous, emotionally unhealthy person. It takes time to know whether your parent is capable of a new relationship with adult-to-adult give-and-take with new healthy boundaries in place. In time, when you can love yourself again with full compassion for what you went through and become the true self you were meant to be, you will have learned the painful lesson of how to protect yourself from dangerous people, and then “forgiveness” of all that happened to you before, to bring you to this point of inner peace and self-discovery, will just naturally happen.
Hi — I hope my post didn’t imply that I think forgiveness is the goal of recovery. I like the way you describe it as a by-product of self-care. But I should qualify/clarify: I guess what I feel isn’t a state of total forgiveness, but moments of understanding that grow as time goes on.
I don’t know if my mom is a malignant narcissist or just badly damaged. But I do know I will never trust my mother emotionally. Knowing that puts me in a position in which she can’t hurt me any more, and I no longer have to live in the distorted world created by her influence.
It’s a paradox, really — to understand how badly damaged she was by her upbringing, and to have a modicum of natural compassion for that without excusing or dismissing the damage she did to me. To keep myself in focus: my feelings matter. My pain and my joy matter. I matter.
Many thanks to you, Elaine, for creating this forum.
Hi Katmom, Thank you so much for your important comment. I don’t think that your comment implied that forgiveness should be the goal of recovery at all–but many of my clients and readers who email me are stuck in guilt about forgiveness, so I was just being pro-active for others not as far along as you are. It helps that you say that you “will never trust my mother emotionally”. So many people believe that forgiveness means letting them back into our lives and even well-intentioned counselors pressure their clients in this harmful way.
I love how you say “I no longer have to live in the “distorted world” created by her influence.” YES! You understand how damaging it is to even be near or go along with the distorted world view that narcissists create and demand that we abide by. Yes, the paradox is frustrating but it is so wonderful that you cope by keeping the focus on that your feelings matter! Many people who are struggling with guilt still need to get in touch with their repressed anger from childhood and it takes a long time to work through all of the anger and release it as the beginning to having compassion for themselves and that their feelings matter. Guilt and anxiety can be thought of as “anger turned inward”.
You are doing so well, Katmom and have much wisdom to share now as you have healed the deeper wounds and now put your self and your feelings first –I can feel the compassion for others that you exude as you shine your light onto others through your thoughtful comments. Thanks to you for helping to make this a forum where we can talk about these complex things that support each other as highly sensitive survivors!
I am glad I found your blog. It took me 30 years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not me. It’s them. And I can blame them because it is truly their fault. For the first time last night I admitted to my boyfriend that I was scared and that I know I am dysfunctional. Growing up in a family with a N-mum, N-sister and an enabling father, has left me unable to recognise emotions. I’m not even sure I know how to love. Funny thing is, I first felt relief when I found out about NPD, I felt a sudden surge of freedom, now I just feel so disgusted with myself for being a victim. I feel hatred for them and I don’t know why but I just find myself sitting in a corner crying today.
AJ, Thank you for your comment. Sounds like you are making great progress in processing your truth as a victim of abuse–now you are expressing your true voice to others and this is very healing. Your family was dysfunctional to treat you this way as a child but you are not “dysfunctional”–you are in recovery now which means you are finally “functioning” and on your way to finding your true self and your vitality which is your birthright! Admitting you don’t recognize emotions and how to love is HUGE in your healing journey. Congratulations! You understand that releasing the confusion and the truth of what happened to you is part of the healing process.
Thank you for describing your feelings about the relief and surge of freedom followed by disgust and crying. Let me explain: Often our N family shamed us when we would express our freedom and happiness so that when we felt strong and good as children we, every time, ended up feeling disgusted with ourselves and crying in despair. You are experiencing sort of a post traumatic stress to feeling “free”. This feeling free was a trigger for you and brought up the childhood pain that was repressed and wanting to be healed. You are strong enough and ready to release it. It is a scary process if you do not know what is happening to you–causing many people to give up again and again because you as a child were made to give up. But you AJ, are healing and the truth from your childhood that you repressed is coming up to heal and be released. It is not about anything that is going on in your current life–the feelings are from childhood. Comfort yourself through these feelings when they come up as a loving parent would do for any child in emotional pain. I believe acknowledging the childhood hatred is important and a positive step as well. I can support you in this process of healing and would love to be your Coach to support you further. Thank you for sharing your feelings, your words will help others who are really confused by what they are feeling as well. Warmest wishes, Elaine
Hey guys,
It has been so hard to find old friends telling me they are afraid that my no contact with my family will cut me off from my siblings. One of these comments even came from a friend who is a school psychologist. I thought she would better understand the risk of staying with two NPD parents, my mother and stepfather. They both had such strong personalities that it was like WWIII in the house. This friend enjoyed my company more when I was feeling weak. It breaks my heart. Meanwhile, a cousin of mine who asked me to be in her wedding has made an about-face, letting me know that she thinks my parents might be perfectly okay after all eventhough my mother failed to call her to let her know a great aunt. who did not have kids of her own and treated us as if she was our grandmother. had died and the funeral was in the very city where my cousin was working. Her own parents (my mother’s brother and his wife) were in Central America on a trip, but as a side note I am surprised they did not get word to her. She little found out after she got home that her beloved great aunt had already been buried and down the street. However, she has managed to wipe it from her memory and tell me that my parents seem fine. This is all in time for her wedding, which I agreed to be in the beginning. Now I have to see my parents after a year and a half of no contact. Thankfully, my mother’s sister can see through the charade and I am staying with her. It makes me feel crazy to get so little validation. None of my other siblings have stood up to my parents either. I believe my older brother is NPD since I am starting to get flashbacks of some of his really mean behavior. Plus, he loves to take on my parents battles, calling me and leaving potentially guilt-inducing messages. I have not taken the bait. It is all so sad.
Lily, Thank you for your comment. I understand your frustration with your friends and extended family and your sadness about their lack of support for your actions. I know what you mean about It being surprising coming from professionals in psychology–often if they have not experienced the pain of having a narcissist in their own life they do not support the necessity of no contact (or they are in denial about their own repressed pain and are in helping professions to help those who they judge as “weaker” which is in reality not true–those appearing weaker to the less self-aware have incredible inner “strength” which is a gift!–their “help” can feel very condescending and it would be wise for hsps to “move on” from these types of helping professionals). It is awful that your Mom did not contact your cousin–your cousin is trying to avoid all conflict for her wedding and not take sides–weddings are stressful. Since she doesn’t support you, you don’t “have” to be in her wedding but you sound strong like you could do it with support from your Aunt.–thank goodness for her! You are really fortunate to have her in all this–try to be grateful for that and lean on her when you need to. She knows the truth! Her validation can make up for the lack of it from the rest of your family of origin (foo). Remember, often it only takes one true friend to make all the difference in our lives and help us to feel really sane and validated. Sorry about your brother’s aggression. Yes, it is all so sad. But you are amazingly strong and insightful and have so much to give others. You are correct in all of your insightful observations. Stay strong and warmest wishes to you, Elaine
Hey! I can’t stop writing! I wanted to share that my dream is to one day weave my personal experience into recent current events since my personal experience with NPD very much ties into our recent national experience with individuals with NPD, since my parents had corrupt high powered jobs in the financial sector. However, given that my stepfather is a corporate litigator, I think I would need defamation insurance, although I would never use real names. When I split from the house all I kept saying is “I will not be bought” (by all my parents money). I left with my stuff in trash bags since I did not have enough suit cases, and I told them I moved to Colorado for a temporary job, since my stepdad needs a lot of control. (By saying I was moving far away for a temporary job without consulting him it was like saying I don’t need you.) He changed the locks on the house and then called me to say that I should feel free to let him and my mother know my future plans. By the way, the only times he ever mentions my mom is to use her as a tool to induce guilt. Otherwise, he treats her like she does not exist. She was also a high powered attorney but she worked for the government and they met in a meeting, although she was supposed to be regulating the companies he represented. Meanwhile, his own father will go on and on about how terrible the crises has been for the country without ever recognizing his own son’s work in the very industry he is deriding. At moments, I was sure I was losing my mind. I would stare at the TV, watch the very names I would hear in my house mentioned on the news and then say to myself “I am staring at them – these people can not see themselves.” That was when I split. I had seen enough. I am still in shock. How could these people ever have been my parents? At the time I thought wow, they sound terrible and then I thought, well, my life has been terrible. I guess I need to start admitting it. Only the German Shepard was sad to see me go, he kept pacing the front stoop as i threw stuff into the car.
Lily, Thank you for this comment as well, Sharing your story helps others who are still gathering the courage to leave (and gives us insight into the national financial crisis
). I like how you said to yourself “I will not be bought” to give you the courage to leave. I understand this, my own parents dangled their possessions, antiques, and contents of their wills as a carrot to get me to obey. When I realized they gave away something I had wanted just to punish me and scare me about the rest, I no longer wanted any of it and it was a great relief to let it all go. I hope you are continuuing to see that you deserved so much more from parents–where is the love? Yes, the dog knew the truth about you–you were the only positive energy and shining light on in the house sounds like. Thank you for sharing! Love and light, Elaine
Thank you for this site – it has allowed me to feel less alone. All of my life my NM would say that I wasn’t as pretty, wasn’t as smart, wasn’t as appealing to men as she had been, etc. You name it – I was NEVER good enough. She has blamed me for not being able to continue at her “fantastic job” she had before she had me, and is fond of saying that she and my ED (enabling dad) spent ALL of their money on family vacations. The worst thing she has done is to tell my friends at my 12th birthday party that I was conceived in a tent trailer because another couple had been “getting busy” on the other side and they were bored. Yes – that will increase a young girl’s self esteem!! She has groomed me into an over achiever who is haunted by guilt about not having a loving relationship with my mom. I realize that my son who is 6 is not important to her, and is a pawn in her destructive path to keep me “guilt entrenched”. I am going no contact even though she lives 5 minutes away and at 37 years of age, deserve to stop giving all of my money to help her & my family simply because my husband and I have worked hard our entire life. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I know that the present relationship with my mom is OVER and this is because I don’t want my son and husband to deal with their toxicity. I love my son and am thankful that I learned how NOT TO PARENT from my NM and ED.
nic, Thank you for your comment and for your kind words about this site. You are not alone–welcome to our community! I am so sorry for all you have endured from such an unloving mother. I hope that this site continues to give you support as you finally put yourself first. Good to focus on what you learned about how NOT TO PARENT–Good for you! Warm wishes to you as you continue to heal and move forward, Elaine
Elaine,
You have simply described me to a tee. I am a 48 year old who has just realized that I have a narcissist for a mother and a sister as well. My father has his own issues and this in itself is another lengthy commentary. I have just closed the door to reclaim not only my life but that of my tween aged child who I can see now was clearly the next in line for the “scapegoat” award. My recovery will be long and difficult but I will not sacrifice any more of my life. Thank you for expressing your situation so eloquently and candidly and for conveying that we are not as alone in this journey as we may have initially thought.
Cath19, Thank you for your comment. I am so happy for you that you are taking steps to move forward for yourself and your child–away from the narcissists in your life. Congrats on finding your voice and “reclaiming your life” and saying you “will not sacrifice any more of my life”!! Yes!! Welcome to healing and recovery amongst those who understand what you are going through. I so appreciate you words of gratitude for my post–Yes, you are not alone! Sending you warm wishes of support as you embark on your healing journey, Elaine
Hi, Elaine.
Thanks so much for your blog. It has such a lovely flavour to it. Less angry and more supportive than other Narcissism sites.
I kicked off my no-contact process about a month ago after NM looked after my two kids, 6 and 3 for the day (only the 2nd time she has looked after them in 4 years). My 6 year old came home from that day acting like he had been taken to a horror movie. It took days and days to get out of him a few of the nasty things NM had said about me (THEIR MUM!) to them. It was heartbreaking to realise that she was injecting her poison into the next generation, my kids’ hearts. I knew I had to do something massive.
It’s taken much soul-searching and many teary conversations with my beautiful husband to accept that I must stop this pattern of abuse. Funny thing is that I let her abuse me emotionally for 35 years and it took her starting on my kids for me to take action. I take heart that there must still be a modicum of self-esteem and love in me to want to do something about it.
So, I told her we no longer have a relationship last night. As expected – no reply. I actually believe that there will not be a reply. Ever.
The most insidious feature of narcissistic abuse is that it is invisible. It is kept firmly within the walls of the family. It’s so, so, hard to enunciate how it feels to be the child of a narcissist. It is literally impossible to explain to others what it does to your spirit. Places like your blog are essential for people like us who get sick of feeling guilty or being made to feel guilty about using the words: “My feelings.” My feelings do matter and I guess that’s my first step on this process.
Thanks for your great blog and all the best with all you do.
Lorna
Thank you Lorna, for wonderful comment full of strength, insight, and wisdom. Welcome and warm wishes as you continue to heal, Elaine
Dear Lorna,
I wanted to write because I can relate your motivation to begin no contact with your mother – your kids. I, myself actually do not have kids, but, hold on I am about to relate : ), what motivated me to see my N mother and N stepfather as they were was watching them treat babies like the way they were treating me. You see, my younger half sister and half brother are a fair bit younger than me. I actually developed a closer bond with my younger brother than with my younger sister (and older full-brother). It killed me to watch my mom and step-dad abuse my little brother as a 1 year old…2 year old…3 year old and now (I am sure) as a 23 year-old, which is a major reason why I am no longer in their lives.
It was my ability to relate to him and watch him grow-up in my abusive family that helped motivate me to locate the word and description of narcissism at age 19, while back from college (I searched my parents symptoms, which kind of makes me laugh because I have always been passionate about anything in the sciences, so I can see my true self in that young girl – scared but looking up symptoms after watching her parents at dinner). In fact, I said to myself in college “What sucks for me is that I can not pick my major. It is going to be in the sciences, but it is going to have to have to focus on narcissism because getting away from them is going to take all my effort.” Then I begin to build my own emotional world that I told my N mom and N stepfather less and less about until one day I told them I had a phony job half-way across the country and then I gave them a bad address. (My N stepfather is very controlling so saying I took another job without clearing it by him was like telling him to go &#$% himself – and I knew that.) This final, no contact came years later and, again, my ability to relate to the little boy I saw being abused at home made me, I think, much stronger.
I believe it is unbelievably common for women to step up and gain strength over what they see happen to children (especially their own), so that is only human and not a sign that you have only a modicum of self-esteem. It is so hard to be in these families. Unfortunately, my younger brother has cut off contact with me and chosen, at least for now, to side with my parents, so at least you can protect your kids. That’s awesome.
I can’t help but share that I had memorized all my younger brother’s interests when I thought I was going to get him out too, and if I could remove the image of his eyelashes clumping as he cried, I would. Finally, after years of picking him up and hiding him from our parents when he would run away he now mocked (at a wedding) my choice to cut off contact, and I see on Facebook that he is not yet following his dreams.
Best,
Lily
Thank you… just this week I discovered that my father is a narcissist and I’ve suffered greatly as a result.
I ask God for the answers, no matter how hard they are, and they come to me as I am ready to see them.
This week I finally realized that I am allowing myself to be used and abused- and I have the power to say no and to respect myself in the process.
Reading this blog is very healing for me and I am feeling very good about myself and my newly made choice to not dishonor myself anymore by giving out more of myself than I feel necessary- and to not be pressured into it.
Thank you again.
gs, Thank you for your comment. There is much wisdom in all that you say here. It is a spiritual healing journey that you are on and your energy is best saved for a highly enlightened future and brighter things ahead. I am so happy to hear that my blog is helping you to heal. Welcome to our healing and compassionate community! Sending you comfort and warm thoughts as you continue to heal, Elaine
Dear Elaine,
Happy Holidays to you and your family. I was compelled to write this email even though I am still no talking to her. It felt freeing and guess what she just called left nomessage I address to both my Mom and sister who they seem to bre very much alike. here it is just wanted to share.
Proverbs 17:9
New Living Translation (NLT)
9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.
Proverbs 18:2
New Living Translation (NLT)
2 Fools have no interest in understanding;
they only want to air their own opinions.
Dear Mom and Sam,
I am guilty of these actions when I was under demonic influences of being intoxicated. revenge is a lousy way to deal with unresolved grief. (mean phone calls) I am making my amends to you both. I love Proverbs and I highly suggest reading a NLT bible for further today’s understanding. My pride was a mask for fear that I thought I had no value as a person. God has given me back my sense of worth because I see myself through His eyes, not people. People have a distorted view of what love is. I love this saying in the bible proverbs 16:25 “there is a way that seems right to man but in the end is death. My root issue is a spirit of rejection- alcohol that is the symptom . When critical or judge merciless I reject myself. A learned behavior from a very very long time ago. trying to gain approval from people that never gave it but held in me condemnation of past present and probably my future. A spirit of rejection convinces you that you will be rejected and then every word and action of other people is interpreted through the eyes of rejection. I have deep emotional scars with rejection that is why even in a smallest incident feels like a knife in the heart. . I am now starving that spirit of rejection and its destruction and I only look to God to fill me up with the power and love and knowledge and the unconditional forgiving Lord who holds me not condemnation but with His everlasting love.
I will not be reminded (shamed) for my past drunk behavior (when I have asked for your forgivness in the past and not been forgiven) unless you want to allow it to fester like unhealed wound. I am forgiven. I will not do it again. Lesson learned. Amazing about me is my compassion- my empathy (LOVE) and my mercy I learned that in the holy bible.
As long as I able I will never allow another person is to feel unloved I will encourage and read scripture with the lost. I will not be prideful full of boosting of myself. Critical faultfinding is not from God. I will make it i know in my soul. Having my family cut me off is fine because this has drawn me closer to Jesus Christ. Unforgivness eats your soul I know all too well. The key to this life is true forgiveness for ourselves and for others. I don’t ever need a long list of what someone has or hasn’t done for me. That is faultfinding and keeping score. My scorecard has been erased by the Holy sprit of God.
As you enjoy your holiday season think of the real reason for Christmas. Love and serve. Proud of you sam for doing what your doing with the homeless.
From you Sister and Daughter God bless you both Dana
why make someone a priority /when you are merely an option to them. Me and NP Mother
Dana, wiser words were rarely ever spoken! I think I’m going to write down your words and post them where I can see them several times each day……..I agree with you………and I wonder why I myself keep on trying and trying…….and persevering and persevering………to have a “relationship” with my mother when there is no way on this earth it will ever happen, as she is totally incapable of it. I guess childhood wishes and dreams die a slow, agonizing death……at least in my case, it seems. Thank you.
I don’t know about other HSPs with narcissistic mothers, but I personally find Christmas to be a time filled with a sadness which almost defies description. It’s taken me days to even diagnose what’s going on with me. So many high expectations I have, or maybe they’re not high……..maybe they’re merely normal expectations which only seem to be too high because of the way I grew up.
“Christmas with a Narcissist”……..wow, now that’d make an interesting movie title, wouldn’t it? It amazes me……it just simply amazes me…….how my mother can take any situation in life and turn it around so that it is always, and I do mean ALWAYS, about HER!!
Death in someone else’s family? Yep, she turns it around so she can talk about all the deaths she’s gone through, and how she feels, and what she did, and where the people are buried, and what flowers the person had at the graveyard.
You’re ill this season? Near death? Hospitalized? Well, somehow she manages to make that all about her, too. How she does this is mindboggling. She will talk about all herself, about how she’s never gotten sick and never missed but 2 days of work in 25 years!……and what SHE did when her parents were in the hospital and near death……and so on and so on. She won’t listen to you……she won’t connect……..she’s too busy thinking about herself to even notice that you’re in the room.
Just got laid off? Worried about paying for Christmas gifts for your family? Have no fear! Super-Narcissist can even turn that into an excellent opportunity to discuss her past woes with money or, more likely, about how she has NEVER experienced any monetary woes…….never, not once, in her whole life. And how she just “can’t understand” why you’re having any financial worries because, after all, SHE has never had any financial worries.
The world revolves around the narcissistic mother.
It sure doesn’t help to be an HSP when you have a narcissistic mother. It is crazy-making at its worst to be around people like her, much less to actually have grown up with a person who barely acknowledges your existence.
Christmas………ah, Christmas………a time I love in many ways. But to be around my mother at Christmas is just another opportunity in which to feel neglected, forgotten, overlooked, ignored, compared, judged, and unloved.
Anyone else relate? It can be a very tough time of year.
Hi and thank you for your message. I refuse to talk to her I just wont. Look she is emotionaly toxic (abusive) even with presents. I used to hear from her I put you in 3 rehabs (lies) and I bought you a car (no that was my grandmothers left money when she passed) boy I still remember who control her in calif. me in florida I almost said forget it I was hasseled so much it was unjust. What I bought and I did this and I did that UGH shut up…Last straw was my aunt called me and I am including the email blast she sent to all my family memembers except me. Then when I called her and aks her about this reunion she lied said only her brothers and sisters. This was in beaufort where my grandmother grew up she was haveing a cermony for my dead grandmother with reunion?? How odd dont ya think./My aunt is the one who told me about it. My sisters already had plans to go etc. what a slap in the face I tell you what. She called my aunt her mom died from alc0holism and was a very heavy drinker not like me. She told her that why would I want a drunk there? Mind you she my mother has been very drunk in front of all family memebers more than I can tell you what a joke. and a liar. I called drunk and told her what I thought of her RAGE inside of me I could not control. She saved that message to later make case with her brother and sister and I received emails from both of them about this I quote “distrubing” emails and how I need long term treatment. etc. She pulled in her allieds to make her case. Me worng her right. The woman my mother and sisters and other family went and I heard it was over the top. Of course my Aunt didnt go she has my mothers number and told her when she called that This was all about her and nothing to do with grandmother well of course my mother started in got mean .. You disagree with her she will cut your balls off. I just look for that letter email maybe I deleted it. I know I have a copy because it is going into my enventually book I am writing.
The most incredible deal is here with us though is we all actually turn out “OK” I mean really even with all my truma and allot of crap in my life I am ok really. Look and found out about what i could do to help myself and learn how to change me. I dont deserve what she dishes out. No more. Yes it hurts like hell and I dont care anymore about having her around me because it always go back to her and all about her. selfish self centered image mask no mercy ego driven pridful bitch. Charming and funny and beautiful but I know who she is inside.
The Smear Campaign
by cassandra
Charming in public: exuding warmth and charm, she smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be your friend, appears to be supportive and attentive to your needs. She always appears to be helpful.
Rumor-monger in private: criticizing you behind your back, she may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. She manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in her plot to undermine your image in every way.
Two-faced: She pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge her, she suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. Her soft-spoken manner hides her destructive intentions, her flattering words hide her desire to control you, and her seemingly warm personality hides her take-no-prisoners attitude.
So what i am saying is “would you have a person like this around you or your kids”? hell no no more/// I dont trust her and I have a deep betrayl from her LIES LIES LIES. Know when she lying when she is talking. Self absorbed. I can spot a NP a mile now. I had to also deleted other NP out of my life completely. I attracted what i knew before I knew. Ex’s so called friends all freaken gone. I refuse… To have any NP in my life . I rather alone than deal with a socipath. She told me she was a good mother yea in your lifetime?
It will always be the same and I cant change her. She is unhealthy ill mentally ill. So do yourself the best favor you could ever do and love you ,more and take care of you. You have love and emapthy she wil lnever have those things. that is how you spot a NP no love-no emapthy
Leaving
by Janet Byers, 4/26/2010
Cloudy gray sky, silent tears and rain
Glad to be leaving years and years of pain
Sorrow rises up but my wings are spread wide
Leaving my past; good riddance, good-bye
Too many years of your guilt and your games
Finally, freedom from your put downs and blame
Relief rises up, wings spreading, flying far
Leaving you; taking back my shattered heart
Rising into sunshine; finally breaking free
Taking deep, clean breaths; it’s okay to be me
Your sick games and lies will haunt me no more
Left your shackles behind, walked out your door
Walking Out The Door by Peter Normand
I’m free, I’m done…at last, I’m forever through
Hearing the questions: “What’s wrong with you?”
And “Why can’t you ever do anything right?”
Too many tears cried into pillows at night
Sucked my thumb for years, scared in my own bed
Haunted by your condemnations deep in my head
First time I ran away from you I was only three
First desperate attempt to be free; to be me
To stay sane and relevant in spite of you
Kept running away; years of fighting for truth
Your narcissistic insanity ruled all my thoughts
Seems all I am to you…is everything I’m not
I never lived up to your expectations or dreams
There simply was no way I could please the queen
I was your punching bag; a scapegoat to abuse
I know now that who you really hate…is you
God gave me pity for you, showed me the truth
To feel good you have to crush those around you
You have to elevate yourself because you’re weak
Still, I’m disgusted by you; by the havoc you wreak
Nothing will ever satisfy the monster inside you
I’m SO over your drama and trauma; yes, I am through
I’m done being your source of narcissistic supply
It’s over, I’m gone; good riddance, good-bye
Help My np just email me mother dearest and said merry christmas /your soberity and peace are always in my prayers??? Peace are you kidding. //She thinks she brings me peace? Or prays for me to have peace? WHAT??? then proceeds to say I have your christmas present and asking me about shoes? what shoes? I have not responded. Its such a mind screw here. Nothing about what are your plans or anything about what she is doing or my sisters nothing just i have your presents. I have no one here I no kids no matie . I do have plans to go to christmas dinner at this real nice place because he is alone as well. I sometimes feel like I am this horrible person that is so BAD that donest deserve to be with them its so not right thinking I know but damn it it hurts //please some suggestions ..
Peace Dana
dana, You are doing a good job of separating from your family’s dysfunction and inability to be loving to you by knowing that it is harmful to you to talk to your mother–it is good expressing all that you have been expressing here lately–it is healthy anger and truth. But it is also harmful to you to read what she writes or listen to her messages. You have a part of you that is still a wounded child and you need to be away from all crazy-making negative energy so that you can heal and get stronger. When you are communicating in any way with them, and that means listening too, you open yourself up to that negative energy that they are exuding. We HSPs we absorb it and feel it and think it is ours. But it is their negative energy and bad feelings we are feeling. They have always caused you to doubt yourself–that is a wound that keeps getting open. It is okay to protect yourself and take care of yourself and put your healing needs first. Guilt-inducing is an abuse! Loving, healthy people don’t make other people feel guilty to control them. It is okay to be angry about the guilt that comes up at holiday time. Say to yourself, No, I don’t have anything to feel guilty about! And use the anger energy to do nice comforting healing things for yourself. Enjoy your dinner plans with your friend–that is wonderful! And remember, your family… they have each other and all their negative energy to wallow around in together…they will survive and you are not missing anything good or healthy. No contact would be the healthy thing to do–you deserve a wonderful life away from them. May I suggest a book that I believe would be helpful to you?: Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman–for sensitive enlightened souls who are healing. Wishing you peace and love at Christmas, Elaine
Dana, I know other people have already commented supporting you, I just wanted to say I am going through this right now. I had my last confrontation with my Dad a few months ago, and every now and then I get a message that makes me furious! But as each one comes, I realise, its expected, that it is his way of getting what he wants without having to admit his faults, saying he is thinking of me when he is making me look like the problem to the rest of my family. The more I stand up for my self, the more his reaction confirms that I am doing the right thing, and soon, other people will see it too. I just wish that my sisters don’t have to get as hurt as me before they realise this… because he is constantly making them feel sorry for him, even though they know he uses them. I pray it doesn’t drive them crazy. My poor brother is depressed because he has never been able to please Dad.
Anyway, seeing that other people are going through the same thing gives me hope that I can get through this, and there is hope that I can at least regain sanity… Even though I can’t remember ever being sane… I wanted to end my life so many times. But ever since I became a Mum 4 years ago I made it my mission to become a healthier person, cutting him out of my life may be the best decision I have ever made.
Thank you so much Elaine I needed that confurmation. / I will get that book today.. i love that writer my favorite book is
ersonal power through awarness”
I love that part about you wrote : Loving, healthy people don’t make other people feel guilty to control them. There is still the wounded child I know this be true. that comes to the dsurface soemtimes now not like it used to be however still presently wounded.
I love your website Elaine and I I pray you have a loving peaceful Hoilday too.
xoxo dana
So glad I was helpful. I LOVE Personal Power Through Awareness! Carried it around with me for the longest time! Essential for empaths. That is Book 2 in the series. Living with Joy is Book 1! Also on my website–The very 1st few posts on my blog (starting Jan. 2010) are about me dealing with the guilt of going no contact. Hope they are helpful. Warmest wishes, Elaine
Hi guys,
Dana, I can really relate to your messages. Christmas is a hard time of year for me too, since I have been maintaining no contact with my N mother and N step-father for two years now. It was hardest for me to move on in the beginning because it actually felt like I had lost something by not being in their lives. Even though they made my life hell, I missed our traditions, such as eating Swiss food on Christmas, but thank God I left. My life has grown exponentially better through hard work in therapy and time away from them to heal. (I literally had a friend listen to my older brother’s message once when I was just beginning to maintain no contact rather than listen to him myself, which would have been too hard.)
Now, I can see how much I have healed in little ways: I no longer say I left my family. Instead, I say I stood up for myself and, as a result, my parents had a break down and will not seek help.
When I was still in my family, I had plenty of weaknesses that they picked on – I had the lowest SAT scores in the family, drank too much etc. and they reminded me of these facts. Now, I am excelling in my job and have a drink or two every month. It has been HARD to get to this point, especially when I would see that I was getting better and then have another set-back, but thank goodness things have started snow-balling in a positive direction.
Right now, none of my three siblings will call me, but I feel sorry for them even though I still have some anger towards their lack of consideration for me. However, I would not trade my life for theirs as they are still putting up my N mother and step-father.
Dana, my heart is with you this holiday season! Our expectations for the holidays can be so high and that is especially tough given the families in which we were “raised”/managed to survive.
xoxo,
Lily
Lily,
Thank you so much for your email. I love that name Lily. I did email her back even though we did not talk on the phone but I am mad myseklf for doing so when I waited and then thought about it and then did anyway. I have not heard back from her but thats ok. I will just start again with the NC. My poor lil sister who moved to cally to be near my mom /not a peek from her and i really feel sorry for her because she is the over achiver works and has a husband whom my NP dispises and has so many degress but huge depression and on so many anti depressants -axienty-weight problems-. / My other sister she called and said this I was like what?? she is voluteering with her catholic church working with homeless and stated that i need to go into a shelter to get help? whatever that is so stupid and so crazy statement. She was like what do you want to come here with me and my 3 kids? She is exactly like my mom . She too has that stubborn pride. Anyway I dont talk to either sister and i am sure that pleases my NP. . NP says the crazy statements i have ever heard.off THE CHAIN STUFF. I like what you said about the weakness i know that all too well. Shaming me . the scorecard keeper. She operates out of guilt. I think. The presents are usuall y high end stuff. Like for my birthday she gfot me 500-6– thread sheets and ralph lauren real nice comforter set. I would love her if she loved me or spent time with me with the same cost as the high presents she gives me. but that is just not gonna happen I know this in my heart.
Thankxs again for writing Dana
Thank you for your beautiful insights Elaine. They resonate with me in a way that creates an internal sigh of peace.
I read this post while listening to Way Over Yonder – one of my fav songs now! I also recommend Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. Both the rhythm and lyrics of Breakaway inspire you to do just that: Breakaway.
Stating your age stood out to me. One of my obstacles in healing has been a certain shame in waiting this long in taking action. The, ‘There must be something wrong with me if it took this long to realise and correct’. There is no shame now (or I hope, less of it) by daring to post it online. Shame is usually something you don’t want to show to the light. The Web is as consistently alive and lighted up as anything I can think of – maybe except the Sun.
A positive – revelation to me – of finally starting this journey of healing is that my writing has improved! Writing is a fundamental way of expressing yourself; I found that my writing was stunted – at some point, thought I couldn’t write at all. I’m reading all the journalism books I can get my hands on now in preparation for a bit of freelance journalism. From non-writing to journalism: A challenge to daunt an adult, yet an adventure to dazzle the inner child.
Off to read your other posts…
After discovering the love of my life had NP, and why I idealized him.. , ..another revelation my mom is NP( it took me 41 years) , everthing comes together .. since then I´ve had mixed feelings, relieved, sadness,rage.. sudden cries..good days and bad days .. A very strange feeling of physical interior separation from my mother- as if someone ripped from the inside the feelings I had for her .. it´s difficult to explain.. I see her clearly now.. her true intentions.. I know it´s a long journey .. but now I know better.. and everthing is about me.
Elaine, thank you so much for sharing!! Congratulations on your realization, on your strength, on your ability to recognize and to feel.. I also stumbled on this in looking for info on my own relationship with my mom which is compounded by the fact that there are still young siblings at home who are under her tight reins,,, thanks for sharing and for sharing courage…
I am so thankful for the sharing and the blogs I came upon regarding narcissistic mothers and scapegoated daughters. For the first time in my life I feel that someone undertstands what it is like to be “shunned” from your own family and not understand why. Healing has already begun just from reading what others have been brave enough to share. It is a painful journey we walk alone. The times I have given others a small glimpse of what I am experiencing, I was advised “If you would just forgive them…” or “maybe if you just let the past go, things would be ok” or my favorite “are you still letting this bother you? Don’t you think it’s time to move on?” The last piece of advice I received was from a relative who is a psychologist (my mother’s brother!) who said “sometimes we just have to accept people as they are”. I think it is so hard for others to imagine that a mother could actually single one person out to place all the blame and ridicule. My family members have good relationships with others and are very personable – just don’t cross them. You are either “in” or “out” at their discretion. As any enabler worth their salt, I assumed if I could prove that I was a nice and thoughtful, worthwhile person they would somehow be able to change their view of me. I tried to do everything I could think of to win their affection, but my scapegoat role was already well established and working perfectly for everyone else; I was never give a chance to confront the lies told and apologize for things I may have done. I would always be invisible and worthless in their eyes. The last time I met with my mother, she asked “how, exactly, do you see yourself coming back into the family?”. I felt like I was at a job interview. No warmth, no “I miss you” – nothing. That was the last time I saw her, two years ago. No interest in me, my daughters, our life. I try not to think about it, but hearing about others families and how they love each other and desire to spend time together; it seems like an open wound that can never heal. Holidays, birthdays – celebrations can be so painful when you are cut off from your family. Yet being with them causes even more distress – it is a no-win situation to be sure.
Fellow daughters of narcissistic mothers, I salute you and wish you the very best. We are brave souls, living in a fog of pain and rejection and trying to carve out a life in the midst of finding out who we are and how to relate to others. Combine that with depression, anxiety, low to no self-esteem – it is amazing that we get out of bed in the morning! But we do – we hold jobs, parent, try and be a friend, be married, neighbor – without the foundation or nurturing to figure it all out. Without the grace of God and the work He has done in my life, I don’t know where I’d be. Even so, there are many days that I feel defeated before I start. I want you to know, though, that my load is lighter and my outlook a little brighter now that I know that there are others out there who understand my pain. God bless you all and keep being of good courage – you are worth it!!!
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14
There are so many things to think about as I read over the postings – and so many things I can relate to. I can surely relate to feeling as though I have no friends to speak of. I am realizing that I never learned how to be a friend – how could I when being raised in a narcessistic family who only cared about themselves? I feel so awkward in social situations; the needy part of me wants to have a friend and be loved so much that I think I’ve either smothered people over the years, or acted indifferent. I have daughters and it is so painful trying to give them normalcy, especially when it requires social savvy in school situations, friends, etc. Everything in me wants to pull the covers over my head and hide. My lack of social skills seems to be worse as I get older, I guess because there are so many different kinds of situations I need them in. My lack of experience is showing greatly or maybe I am just more aware of it now.
I, too, realize that my friendships over the years have been with NPs and they were not healthy. I did the majority of the work and did not ask for much. I can now see that I don’t know how to receive kindness. If someone offers friendship or concern as a good friend would likely do, I am completely overwhelmed and flustered. My m-in-law also has a NP (aspergers); I have lost most of my friends over the years. My family has let our relatives and family friends know that I have “issues” – I can feel the judgment and coldness if I see them. I feel I need to apologize or tell them I am not who my family says I am, even though I don’t know what I’d be apologizing for. I haven’t had the experience of warm and loving people in my life. Even though it is what I desperately want, I don’t know how to handle it or recognize it if it comes my way. I don’t think I know how to be a good, healthy friend, either and I feel very sad about this.
I am thankful for this site – I cry when I read the posts because I can relate to what you are all sharing. I walk around most days feeling disconnected. The Lord is doing a great work and I am able to speak up much more than I used to, but I have a long way to go. Being more vocal is what led to my mother finally losing it and telling me that all of the problems in the family were my fault over the past 20 years. When I asked her what I did, she told me about incidences from 10, 15 years ago that were so minor. I asked her why she didn’t tell me at the time, but she ignored me. I believe she was so angry because I discovered her “secret” and she upped the rejection ante on me. The Emperor certainly was exposed. The increasing cold shoulder and disinterest was causing me to doubt my sanity. I tried several times to reconcile, but she said she didn’t like talking about the past. I asked her to stop talking about me behind my back and deal with our issues between the two of us, but she wouldn’t answer. I was held to some kind of standard, yet no one would tell me what the standard was. I always felt like I was failing. Going no contact 8 years ago was the only thing to do as I was greatly concerned for my mental health. I know it is for the best, but I think there was a secret hope that if I ever left, she would miss me. In reality she seems happy I’m not around anymore. I think that is what hurts the most. Intellectually I know that being away from my family is best, but my heart hasn’t quite caught up. I miss not having a mom to seek advice from and my sisters to share life with. When I cut off contact, my whole family and surrounding relatives and friends went, too. My mom was always good at being the “victim” and securing much sympathy from others. It was a huge price to pay for standing up for myself and here I am.
Thanks for a safe place to share. Since I never had feedback growing up to know whether or not what I am doing or saying is making sense, etc., I will post here and there and hope that it is ok and that I haven’t said anything stupid or offensive. If I have, please let me know – it would help me a lot!
Thank you for listening – you are all in my prayers.
Beth, Thank you so much for your comments. All you say is a breath of fresh air as you describe the truth so eloquently. Your true voice is strong and I am grateful for your strength in expressing all of your frustrations that resonate with all of us. Welcome to our community! Stay strong and continue on your path–it is good that you discovered that life away from your narcissistic mother is the healthy direction for you and your children. As you learn to love your self, and pour out your truth in a journal for your eyes only, you can heal your wounded inner child and then you will start attracting loving sensitive people into your life and create a new extended family in time. You are the sane one, Beth! Your highly evolved soul shines brightly and it is obvious you were meant for higher things–first of all raising your children to feel good about themselves–be glad they are not around such toxic people. I hope that you will continue to comment often and find support in the other posts on my blog as well. Sending my prayers and warmest wishes to you and your children as you all deserve much love, compassion, acceptance and understanding, Elaine
Hi Beth,
Your post makes so much sense and is very eloquently written! No where do you say anything stupid or offensive. Also, I relate to so much of what you wrote.
In terms of my own experience with people who are narcissistic personality disordered, this week, I began to put together a guest list for a going away party someone is throwing me, and although I have lived in the same city for 27 years, I think about 20 people will attend. Why? 1)Splitting from my family (NP mother, NP stepfather and three siblings) caused a rift between me and their extended relations, and 2) as I worked my recovery in therapy, I realized just how many of my old friends I no longer felt close to, since I was growing emotionally while, quite frankly, they were not. Indeed, the drastic break in relationships I experienced when I cut myself off from my NP mother and stepfather was horrific, but I am grateful for each day that I joined a hiking group or went to church instead of turning around and befriending the very people who were willing to remain in my disordered parents’ sphere of influence.
For a while my life got worse before it got better: I decided to switch careers, I had to spend $30k of my own savings while interning for a 23 year-old in my new, desired career, and, in the meantime, I got hurt while on no health insurance. This was all while I was not dating anyone, and I was, again, cut off from my immediate family.
However, a month ago, after all my hard work, I got a full ride plus living expenses to a PhD program in psychology. Ironically, in some ways it hurt more to receive an offer of a lifetime than it was to plow through the dark times because it showed me just how much my mother was not there to celebrate with me. In fact, I saw a close friend of my mother’s after I received this offer, since this woman’s husband had died and I decided to bring her flowers. When she saw me on her porch with the flowers she cracked her front door like I was going to rob her. Let me tell you, it can make you feel like a criminal when people treat you that way. I left doubting myself, and then, after talking to new friends I have made, I remembered just how I am happy with what I am doing and have accomplished. Also, this experience has helped me to see that, in terms of my parents’ friends, I am now okay with simply sending them a card in such circumstances.
Finally, again, in some ways, I think I feared doing well just as much as I feared failure. One reason is that my mom hated if I did either one. In addition, I believe I feared the pain I would feel when I began to build a new life – one I could never share with my mother on any deep, emotional level. Thankfully, I was and am still willing to plow ahead because now I am starting to feel the joy of my successes for myself. For me, what it took was attempting to better my life while also cleaning out my trauma in therapy. (I had to shop around as I did not find very good therapists in the beginning.) It is so hard to move forward and also work to talk about the past at the same time! Indeed, this is a tough road, but it feels tough because we are in fact doing real work that will matter in our lives as we move forward.
My heart is with you,
Lily
Dear Elaine and Lily,
Thank you so very much for your kind words and encouragement, it means a great deal to me. Just knowing that others can relate helps, and yet I am so sorry that anyone would have to experience the pain of an NP mother and the relational and emotional fallout it brings.
Lily, what an accomplishment to receive a full ride and living expenses for your PhD!! I am so glad to hear that you are able to begin to feel the joy of your successes for yourself and I would imagine you have worked very hard to be where you are now. I feel that is such an important part of our growth and healing to be able to experience that joy.
I am sorry to hear about what happened when you brought flowers to your mom’s friend. When we have heartfelt and pure motives to do something kind for someone and we are treated as you said, like a criminal, it feels like getting sucker-punched. I have had experiences like this, too, and it is very painful. It usually takes me a while to rebound and it can set me back emotionally. I end up doubting whether or not I should make gestures like this in the future. I think you have wise insight in knowing that a card would be better in situations like that. I am trying to learn that is isn’t the kindness that is the problem, but that I should be more savvy about who I extend kindness to, even if my motives are good.
I told my husband the other day that not receiving feedback or appropriate responses to interactions can make me feel out of balance and unsteady. I ended up overfunctioning in several relationships; fortunately, although it was very painful, many of them have ended, many that I have had since childhood. I can definitely relate to your situation of being in the same area for such a long time and yet not having a lot of close relationships. The hope is for new relationships that are deeper and mutually fulfilling, it is something that I continually ask the Lord to bring into my life. I am just now beginning to fully realize the depth and magnitude of how much these dysfunctional interactions and relationships have crippled my ability to relate properly. Sometimes I am afraid to meet people who appear healthy or friendly because I know that I have not developed the muscles I need to upkeep healthy relationships – it can be overwhelming. I think I was trying to take on too many things at once over the years, so I am working on a few areas at a time, which helps. I have been focusing on my relationship with the Lord and His promises which always lifts me up. My main focus recently is to be aware of others and how to truly listen and be a friend in small ways. Not in an overfunctioning way, but just listening. I am trying very hard to wait until they ask me to help instead of jumping in and offering. One step at a time – I guess I get frustrated because I see my daughters having better social skills! My 18 year old has been picking up on my insecurities lately and it is humbling to say the least. One thing that is very challenging is to try and raise them to be healthy while I am attempting to heal myself!! I am glad to see them think for themselves and know that they can say “no” without explanation or doubt. I am hoping that I can keep the NP influence to a minimum as much as I can.
It sounds like you have been through a lot in making the split from your family. And we lose so much at one time. We grieve several loved ones at once and yet we have to do by ourselves. Having a career change in the midst of that must have been so difficult. And you are right, it seems worse if we are successful – I think it validates what they think about us and share with others if or when we fail or fulfull the negative impressions they have. As difficult as it is, I do believe no contact will help us heal.
Take care and again, congratulations! I will pray for your continued successes, both personally and professionally. You are an inspiration!
Beth
Thank you for making this blog! Most people on websites I have found are escaping husbands/wives and partners… I really hope I am in the same place you are soon… I feel completely insane, I try hard not to obsess over my Dad’s behavior, but I suffer anxiety problems, so its a bit tricky. It became clear to me that he will never change, when I finally confronted him about conning money out of me and my siblings – this time I had proof – but for any Narc, proof is still never enough. He continued to lie. And when I kept pointing out how the things he was saying isn’t even making sense anymore, he said: ‘You have no right to judge me, take a good hard look at your self’. He started yelling at me. At the time I was having problems with my fiance so he threw all that in my face. But he didn’t even mention anything wrong with me, he just said my fiance was a loser. He isn’t perfect, but he doesn’t lie to me, or cheat on me, or do any of the horrible things Dad did to my Mum… I told him to stay away from me for good this time. A month later he came to my door, with presents for my Son (he had a habit of buying gifts and then later making me feel bad that he had spent money on them so he could get money out of me), so I said ‘how much do you want for them’ lol (My Mum, having suffered many forms of abuse from my Dad, was shocked at how blunt I have been with my Dad, and is constantly worried about him hurting me). I guess I am a lot stronger than I used to be, when I would just put up with the emotional abuse, and manipulations… After I rejected the gifts, he said ‘Don’t be like that, I still don’t know why you are mad at me’ (we hadn’t spoken since that fight, I thought it was obvious), just as I was about to tell him exactly why I was so hurt, he stormed off. Normally, he gets his victims to apologise to him, he makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one, because he wants his kids to believe that he has the right to do with us what he wants, even though we are now adults… But he lost this time, and acted like a child, not getting his own way. I am never going to give into his manipulations, because I have accepted the simple fact: he is just manipulating me and everyone around him (many social workers and therapists, would try convincing me that it isn’t normal, but he had such a hold on me, using guilt and the fear he instilled in me that I could not see it for so long). I felt so proud for standing up to him this time, of course my anxiety problems still get the best of me every now and then, it gets hard to focus on my life. I am doing cognitive therapy to help control my thoughts about my Dad. I still have a lot to work on to turn my feelings of rage, stress and depression into acceptance. People like you give me the strength I need, so again, thank you
What beautiful post. I feel for every daughter of a mother who just cannot love. I so sorry. I’m also on the road of healing and have decided to go no contact with my NMom. I cannot take the abuse and the blame. She just cannot love and everything is about her. I’ve learned that even though we walk away and try to salvage ourselves from all the damage our mother has done. I know that she will never accept responsibility for anything. I’ve lost all my family members because of her toxic behavior. You must save yourself. We as daughters and our families deserve happiness and to live in love and acceptance. Something our Mother know nothing about. Life is meant to be lived and with these types of parents one can never live the life you were born to live. I wish you all happiness and to be free of a parent who just cannot give and who just cannot love anyone but herself. I know they can’t really love themselves. I have watched my mother destroy people. At 56 it’s time to stop wishing and hoping that she will see me and love me.
Bless you all and may your lives be filled with peace. Thank you for sharing your stories and giving me the strength to know I do deserve to have peace.
I feel so sorry for my mother but she is just to toxic to be around and face a life of staying in her life is just too much to ask. For you see I’m the scapegoat.
I’m sorry our mother’s can’t love us, it does hurt.