Hi everyone. Today I am releasing Part 2 of my More Helpful Tips post for those of you Highly Sensitive Souls trying to figure out how to thrive when you have a narcissistic parent. It may help for you to review tips 1 through 6 in my last post. To summarize, they were about: your gift of intuition; the childhood traumas you repressed to survive; anxiety, self-doubt, co-dependence and PTSD; there is hope; inner child healing can help; and no contact with your Narcissistic parent is vital to the healing process. So here are tips 7. through 12.:
7. Know that the GUILT is relieved by acknowledging the anger and hatred you felt as a child that you were forced to repress.
The guilt of stopping your relationship with your Narcissistic (N) parent will be strong! IGNORE IT! It is guilt that they induced into you to control you since you were a tiny child. That was an abuse of your freedom as a gifted child to become your own wonderful self! They took that from you and gave you guilt, shame, and fear in it’s place. So what do you do with the guilt you feel when stepping out on your own to become the person with freedom to do whatever you want with your life? Get angry about it! Righteous anger is a healthy emotion that you were not “allowed” to express to them–but it is important that you release this anger in harmless ways (not to the parent who abused you) . Acknowledge it, tell a safe person, or write it out in a journal (for your eyes only) in detail the “hatred” you feel for all that you lost. That’s right, I said Hatred. Because this rage inside that comes out sometimes in your life at the wrong people has an origin that needs to be expressed. You have a right to feel hatred for the traumas that happened to you as a child. You felt this hatred then but it was too painful for a child to survive this kind of excruciating, unbearable emotional pain of hating your parents when you needed them so desparately. So the trauma is repressed and the truth of what happened to you needs to be released so that you can finally be free. Punching a mattress with your fist and/or screaming into several pillows for as long as you need to is helpful to release the rage you have kept inside all these years. It helps to have a supportive and safe person present to validate your feelings as you release them.
8. Know that grieving the loss of your childhood is part of the healing process.
Often after the release of anger you will begin to feel all the hurt and pain of not being truly loved as you deserved. Letting this out and releasing this is so important as well in the healing process of your wounded soul. It helps so much to talk to another empathic human to feel fully validated and comforted through this grieving process–but if there is no one possible then you can write this pain out and you may even surprise yourself by the poetry that pours out of you. (No rules when you write–just let it pour out). These words of your soul will always surprise you– you will discover a richness and deep inner life inside of you that you never knew existed. Because it was hiding in fear all this time–a very real fear–fear of your parent’s judgemental rejection and abandonment of your budding wise self.
9. Know that it is okay for you to be FREE of them and put yourself first.
It is a free country! You are a free person to do as you wish. And noone knows the pain that a narcissistic parent can do to the soul of a highly sensitive child except those of us who have experienced it. So stop waiting for approval from the rest of society. Stop all contact with the harmful, negative, narcissistic parent in your life forever and always. You do not even need to attend their funeral if that is something that worries you. It is okay to protect yourself from all the negative energy and judgements of others at family gatherings if you are feeling this will happen. (I now believe our souls live for eternity and those who truly love and support me will be there in heaven and watch over me in spirit–they will understand my reasons for staying away. I don’t need to go to a funeral to say goodbye or to appease family members who don’t support me either.) And to support you further, I just happened to hear on the radio today, a Christian counselor reminding someone that “Honor thy father and mother” DOES NOT APPLY when they are emotionally abusive and use fear to control you. Fear is the opposite of love! God wants for you to protect yourself and go towards love in your life and away from those who induce fear. I agree with this. Loving parents want you to feel safe and loved–N parents do not care if you feel safe and loved, they want you to obey or else! Please get yourself safe and free.
10. Know that Narcissistic people are known as “Crazymakers” for a good reason.
Your N parents are not going to change and they are not going to stop trying to make you wrong. You are not wrong for putting your life and your dreams first for a change. This is your time! This is your life! This is your time for healing and dreaming and learning to love yourself as God has always wanted for you. Malignant Narcissism is mental illness. It’s a severe problem and insidious in nature because they appear to fit in with other people and have friends and thrive and look fine on the outside. They may even be religious and say they are devoted to God but it is not true! It is just words! They may even appear to change and will be on their good behavior around your children but don’t believe it. They will turn your kids against you in an instant if they are able. There’s a dark self-hatred there underneath in a narcissist and a desire to control others with no remorse and no desire to change. That’s enough knowledge for you to know you need to get you and your children as far away from them as possible.
11. Know that highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy of others. Time alone and the beauty of nature can help recharge your positive energy.
Narcissists are like energy vampires sucking the good energy out of you and replacing it with all their unconscious negative feelings about themselves. You feed them, so to speak, and they take it and feel better about themselves. And they constantly want more, not seeing or caring how it is hurting you. Only you can stop feeding their endless need for your supply of positive energy. This is what it means to develop healthy boundaries. It is your very essence, your ”gift” that they are taking–your ability to give light and love to others. You must protect this gift. It is meant for those who are also of light and love so that we can build each other up and help each other so that all of our dreams can come true and we can improve life on our planet. These dreams and desires that we have deep inside are the innervoice that connects us to God and the light that feeds all of us (HSPs). It is the LOVE that we never got from our N parents that we begin to feel has been inside of us all along. As we begin to connect with our real feelings and our vitality we connect with God and the love and bliss that was there innately in our true selves. Love exists and we can give it to ourselves when we realize we were loved all along and were born with this love to give to others who don’t exploit us.
12. Know that you can rescue yourself! Noone can do it for you.
Take the first steps and start on a path of healing today! Be strong and stay away from your narcissistic parent and anyone who judges you for doing so. You don’t need to explain it to anyone. Most highly sensitive people will understand without explanation. They are out there–don’t give up! I am proud to be a highly sensitive person that survived a narcissistic parent and now I shine my light brightly to help other sensitive souls out of the dark. You have a light inside of you that has just been hiding in fear. Everything is going to be all right now as the truth of who you are comes to light. Please take extremely good care of yourself so your highly sensitive soul can shine and inspire others. I hope these tips have been helpful to you. I care and I am here for you.
Love and Light,
Elaine
Elaine, thank you so much for this post. I have just come to the realization that my father is a huge overwhelming narcissist. It’s been a horrible cycle which I’m ending now. I just wanted to let you know that your words helped.
Namaste
Alisha, Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy that this post was helpful to you. Figuring out that your parent is a narcissist is huge! I am so sorry for what you have had to endure and I am happy for you that you now see the light. I wish you much strength and perseverence as you move forward to freedom and developing healthy boundaries for yourself. You have my utmost compassion and support. Thank you for letting me know. Love and Light, Elaine
Thanks again, Elaine. This describes my childhood to a “T”, and I went on to marry a narcissistic man which continued the cycle until leaving him at age 40. I realized that it didn’t matter what I said to either him or to my mother—-that I had no power in these relationships because they simply don’t care about what I feel, what I need, or what I want. Leaving him and limiting contact with my mother to a brief phone conversation every couple of months (despite now living in the same town) is where my boundaries are. Thanks!
piecework, Thank you for this comment. You have learned much from your journey with narcissists in your life and now you are putting yourself and your needs first! I like how your said that you had no power and that it didn’t matter what you said because “they simply don’t care about what I feel, what I need, or what I want”! Yes! Realizing this is powerful and it is so emotionally healthy for you to leave and limit contact as you did! Yay for you! Protecting your boundaries is so important and you are on a new path to finding your true purpose in life–as you continue to listen to the quieter voice inside you that is guiding you rather than the “shoulds” from others you will find your way. You ARE on your way. Thank you so much for sharing as it will help others who are still struggling to leave unhealthy, toxic situations.
Thank you so much for this post and your entire blog. I am in a crisis right now, and it is hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. But your words are comforting.
I am taking a “break” from contact with my NPD mom and enabling dad while I work through my anger and grief with a wonderful therapist. It has been only two weeks, but already my sibling has called to yell at me (since my mom is now putting pressure on her) and tell me how hurt they are and that I am “rocking the boat”. I love my sister very much, and what’s more, she has cancer, so I feel very guilty about taking this step to protect myself. My family’s dynamic is very co-dependent. I realize that my mother’s behavior is not my fault, and that my sister is free to set her own boundaries, but it is hard to remember that. I am also very angry at my father for not protecting me from my mother’s abuse when I was a child. All of these feelings are intensely uncomfortable, but I have repressed them for so long that I will make myself ill if I don’t finally recognize them.
I scored a 24 on the HSP test, which I find embarrassing, since I equate sensitivity with weakness. I realize I have structured my life so as to avoid many of the things described in the test questions. I live alone, I work at home over the internet, I don’t go out much, and I have a few close friends. I avoid crowds and noise, and I can go for days without talking to anyone but the grocery store clerk. Not many people live this way, and I feel freakish.
Anyway, thanks again for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. It means a lot.
Hi babysteps, Thank you for your comment and for sharing your present situation and for your kind words. I understand your pain and how hard it is. I applaud you for taking the necessary steps to heal by seeking out the support of a safe person to tell your truth to. Sounds to me as if you are doing exactly the right thing and you need to be kind to yourself and stay strong through the backlash from your sister. Not very nice of your sister to put you in a position where it makes it impossible for you to support her through her cancer. Sounds very much like my unwell N sister who wrote me a mean letter not even asking to hear my side of my decision for no contact with my parents. I have no contact with her now because I see she was never ever there for me before (always against me really)–I always gave her the benefit of the doubt but now I see the truth that she is an N and abusive.
I don’t see what boundaries your sister is needing to set? Against you? I bet you have never said an unkind thing to her in your life and if you did you always apologized. She could just as easily be angry and yell at your parents for not supporting you and Your hurt feelings–she is taking sides against you. You have a right to feel angry about this guilt-inducing phone call. Guilt-inducing is abuse. I have the feeling you would never do that to her if the roles were reversed–she is making a choice.
I like how you say “All of these feelings are intensely uncomfortable, but I have repressed them for so long that I will make myself ill if I don’t finally recognize them.” Saying this will help many readers out there who have not yet reached out for support! And Yes!–you need to take care of YOU so you don’t get ill, and that means removing yourself from people who do not support or care about your feelings (or your life) and your need to heal. It’s okay to just say something like “sending my prayers” to your sister and then move on–of course you don’t want her to suffer. This allows you to do something humane but save your energy for your own healing.
Congratulations on scoring 24! Wow! I believe that means you are extremely intuitively gifted! Your family of origin (foo) probably equated sensitivity with weakness and as a child you trusted them and so these attitudes were internalized and feel like your own. But the embarrassment you feel is childhood shame because they shamed you for being who you were. They were wrong!–your sensitivity is your inner strength! Your foo may have even been threatened by it or jealous of it and but mostly they bullied you sounds like. You have structured your life so that you are taking care of your legitimate needs for relief from absorbing the painful feelings of others–you are doing a great job of shielding yourself and listening to your inner voice! There is much you can learn about how to thrive as an HSP–you may even be an Empath or Clairsentient. I can help with this if you would like further support through my Coaching or Ask Elaine services. You are not freakish in any sense!–you are finding your true self as a unique gift to the planet! 15 to 20% of people are HSPs–that is MILLIONS of people and we are sensitive for a reason–we are advanced souls or more highly evolved spiritually and we are tuned in to the real meaning of love and compassion in my opinion. Welcome to the club! Having a few close friends is HUGE!–many HSPs are still very isolated and find it difficult to find a true friend. You are doing great! (You might like reading my post on June 30, 2010 The Misjudgment on Introverts…”.) Thanks again for your comment that surely will help many readers feel that they are not alone because they feel the same way that you feel.
And thank you for the kinds words about my work and warmest wishes to you as you continue to heal, Elaine
Dearest Elaine, I scored the highest possible score on the HSP test, plus I am an INFJ, and a member of Mensa. I guess I need to stop looking at myself as a “freak” and a “weirdo,” and begin to embrace the beauty of my uniqueness.
My stepfather was an exceptionally cruel and sadistic psychopath who hated me and abused me more than any of my three younger siblings. He made that plain for all the world to see, and frequently tormented me for his own sadistic pleasure.
My mother, I discovered three years ago, is a narcissist. She did not protect me from my stepfather’s cruel abuses. She parentified me so that I could carry the weight of her adult responsibilities. She also used and manipulated me, lying to me, and lying about me, though I was an exceptionally kind, caring, empathic child and teen. My sole desire was to be loving. Of course, her neglect and her mistreatment of me was not as overt, so as a child, I believed that she cared for me. She did not. You can’t imagine the pain and grief I went through once I started reading about malignant narcissism and discovered how misused and cruelly treated I had been by her. It was devastating.
My three siblings worship the ground my mother walks on. They cater to her, they feel sorry for her, they give her things, they are enmeshed with her and codependent with her. It disgusts me.
I have tried for years and years and years to have loving, honest, authentic relationships with my siblings, all to no avail. They triangulate with the mother, criticize each other behind one another’s backs, harbor hatreds and jealousies toward one another. I hate all of that and I refuse to participate in it. I am an authentic person……I always have been.
Is it any wonder that I have become the family scapegoat?
They use religion, also, to project a veneer of altruistic martyrdom and righteousness to the world, and the world, unfortunately, buys it.
My mother is actually a user, a manipulator, cruel to children and animals, but she is absolutely fantastic at projecting a false image to the world. The world thinks she is the female version of Ghandi.
Having said all of that, I want to thank you for your wise words. I have wanted desperately to go ‘No Contact’ with my family, but I have allowed my deep compassion, empathy, and sense of duty/obligation (as the parentified child, my siblings feel more like my children than my siblings, so going “no contact” feels as if I am abandoning my children!) to create a heavy sense of shame and guilt for even THINKING about it. But I yearn to be free. I yearn to find out who I am. I know I am entitled to a life of my own, and I want it.
Where do I begin? I don’t know where to begin. I’ve done extensive reading and journaling the past 3 years, plus I’ve gone to counseling. I’ve grieved……oh my goodness, how I’ve wept and wept. Such agonizing sadness welled up within me once I realized that my mother was as horrid an offender as was my stepfather! I wasn’t sure I’d survive the grieving…..it was so painful.
I don’t even want any of these people to come to my funeral, and I really don’t want any further contact with any of them. Problem is, I love all their children dearly. I just don’t know how to go about “no contact.” However, in order to move forward, I think I must.
Thank you for helping me to begin to understand who I am. My stepfather always hated me and made fun of me, but I am beginning to believe that maybe I am valuable after all.
Dawn, Thank you for sharing your story. I understand and agree with all you have said here. It is wonderful that you are a high scoring HSP–this means you are probably a very gifted “empath” and healer-to-be in my opinion. Some call us “lightworkers” or “clairsentient”. (You can google these new terms and find much support.) But first you must heal the wounds of your past–you are already on this healing journey. You have already begun with the reading, grieving, journaling, and the counseling. The thing about HSPs and empaths is that we can heal and feel better and then go right back out in the world and absorb everybody’s negative energy and feel bad again–unless we understand that this is happening. John Gray (see Recommended Reading) writes about how we MUST avoid people with a lot of negative energy when we are healing or we will become or stay ill. You need to protect yourself from toxic people so that you can heal. When you are stronger and able to see clearly who is toxic (narcissistic etc.), then you can decide who to let back into your life and how much. Begin by putting your healing first. I suggest reading the book Living With Joy by Sanaya Roman to start and then the other books in the series eventually. Struggling with guilt and shame are common themes throughout this blog. These feelings are “their” feelings that they have induced into us and we believe we deserve it. But it is not true–do not believe these feelings–they are lies and actually the opposite is true. Say to yourself “I have no reason to feel guilty!” and say it often! Also say, “I am safe” to yourself when you are feeling fear and that you deserve to be punished. You never deserved to be punished–this fear is from your past as a tiny child! You deserve love and you can learn to open to it and attract it as you learn to love yourself. Emotional support is helpful to do so and I can help you as your coach. As your coach I can also teach you ways to decharge negative energy out of you and recharge positive energy from nature and by doing visualizations and positive affirmations.–If that is not financially possible I suggest you read this blog and start with my first blog post (Jan 2010) when I first went no contact to protect my health. You can read it as a book from the beginning–my own growth and growing journey of strength is evident with each coming post. As for your nieces and nephews, those who have felt your loving connection will feel inspired by your absence and seek you out or perhaps later when they are older–they will be okay for they all are on their own journeys and you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness… just your own
. Save your energy for helping those who will appreciate you–you don’t have to work so hard–God loves you unconditionally and as an advanced soul you already know this deep down. Honor your gifts by taking care of yourself–as you heal your true purpose will unfold in front of you. Let me know if this was helpful and how you are doing, Dawn. I cannot always write such long replies but I feel many will be helped by this information. Warmest wishes on your healing journey, Elaine
Dearest Elaine,
How absolutely lovely you are to take the time out of your busy life in order to reply to my comment. I’m incredibly grateful to you for your helpful advice and your compassionate care; thank you so very much, Elaine.
I’d never before heard the words, “clairsentient” or “lightworker.” I’ll be doing some research on the internet today, as you suggested.
I’m such a novice regarding HSPs; I need to learn, learn, learn. I discovered that my N mother was also very highly neglectful of me, so I have real problems taking care of myself. I’m amazing, though, when it comes to taking care of other people! I encourage, support, listen, love, comfort, give my time and energy to others. But I’m clueless about how to take care of myself. In fact, I am quite disconnected from myself. It’s as though I don’t really exist, in a way. It’s pretty sad, really. I want a life! I want to get to know who I am! I want happiness, too!
One thing you said which really struck me was that HSPs can pick up on the negative and toxic energies of other people. That must be true, Elaine, because I feel extremely tense around particular people, especially when I’m around my mother and other narcissists. I often leave their presence only to find later that I am very depressed, without often realizing that my terrible sadness is due to merely having been around them. I think I need to start paying very close attention to the types of people I allow to be around me, right?
I printed out your “Helpful Tips for HSPs with a Narcissistic Parent,” and I read it every day, just so that I can remind myself of the truth. You see, I often get caught up in the old messages playing in my head, and I “forget” that I have value and worth. I can slip back into guilt and shame in a nanosecond. So, I have to have reminders of what is true, and what I need to focus upon in order to help myself to heal.
I love what you said about learning to honor my gifts by taking care of myself. I have to admit, I think I’m doing a terrible job with self-care currently. That makes me feel pretty sad. I am tired all the time, and I feel lost. I can’t seem to feel motivated about much of anything. But I am very willing to do whatever it takes in order to help myself to heal. It’s just that I don’t even know what to do!! (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my husband, “I feel as if I need a coach or something!”)
I will go to your blog, as you suggested, and read about your journey of going “no contact” with your family. I will do some research concerning lightworkers and clairsentients. I will try to keep journaling. But sometimes I feel so beaten down by life, so weary of feeling lost and alone, that I don’t know if anything good can ever happen to me, ever. Sorry for admitting that, but it is the truth.
Thank you, again, Elaine. Of course, I think it would be an amazing experience to have you as a Life Coach. I will try to check into that.
Have a wonderful day, Elaine.
Hi Dawn, I am sorry I took so long to respond to this wonderful and insightful comment. When I read this again it strikes me how very knowledgeable you are about the truth about yourself and how brave you are to share your weariness and unsureness about whether you are on the right path and how best to take care of yourself. We all feel this way when we are in the process of healing and you are a perfect example of how to go ahead and express your self in your journal in spite of not being sure. The unsure path with your rawest feelings as a guide is exactly the path to healing–because you are unearthing feelings that have been unconscious to you for so long, they are not familiar at first. But they are YOURS and there is some comfort in that and that keeps you going even though it is a painful process. I feel it is the most gifted and sensitive among us that are hurt the most and these brave souls always come out the other side with much wisdom and strength to help others. You Dawn are one of these brave souls. I hope you are continuing to do well–allow yourself to grieve the losses you experienced as a child and when you begin to protect the child inside of you and change her beliefs about the truth of who you are, the pain, anger, and sadness will begin to fade. And yes, you are so right to be aware of the people you allow to be around you –you are most definitely picking up their energies. Glad my “tips” have been helpful to you–thank you for letting me know! Your comment is helping many others out there who can’t quite express themselves yet as eloquently as you have done here. Well done!
Your bright shining spirit lifts me up even higher. With a grateful heart and warm wishes, Elaine