Hello. I would like to introduce myself to you–I am Elaine Dawn Sanders. This is a name that has special significance to me and I have chosen this Pen name because it will make it easier to be completely honest and uninhibited in all my writing. I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother. I have a wonderful supportive husband who is the survivor of a narcissistic father. Together we have made a new wonderful life and have raised two amazing children.
I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Child and Family Services with emphasis in humanistic counseling psychology, sociology, family dynamics, and child development. I am 50 years old. There was nothing more important to me than raising children with high self-esteem and to be emotionally healthy, and breaking the cycle of abuse that exists on both sides of our families. Our children are in college and beyond now, adjusting well to all of life’s demands, and my husband and I couldn’t be prouder of them, not just because of their accomplishments and achievements but because of the relationships we have with them and the caring, loving people they have become. We are supportive and encouraging of whatever they choose to do with their lives and we are there for them to listen to their feelings and they in turn are supportive and encouraging to us and grateful and loving human beings.
I have discovered many things along the way to building a healthy family and finding my true purpose in life. I have discovered I am an INFJ, an empath, a highly sensitive person, the daughter of a narcissistic mother, an avid journaler, writer of self-help poetry, and a singer/songwriter writing many songs–including my songs of hope and healing. These songs were written mostly to help myself through the pain from my many childhood wounds and the ups and downs of life. Most of all, I have discovered the depth of my skills as an Empathic Life Coach. With this, I have discovered my true purpose in life-all my skills of writing and singing and songwriting have been catalysts in helping me express and find my true voice–to realize that my true purpose is empowering other highly sensitive souls to heal from their wounds from childhood and become the person they are meant to be.
I feel it as a privilege for me to provide comfort and support to any soul who is in emotional pain and to let them know there is hope and someone out there who understands. With the help of this website, it is my hope to validate, inspire, and give hope to people through my writing, my music, and my availability to you as an Empathic Life Coach. So feel free to leave your comments and questions because I want to help. So often a person just needs a companion to listen–someone to validate the complex and confusing painful feelings that come up when childhood wounds are triggered and then keep us from moving forward to become our true selves. I want to be an “enlightened witness” for any person who needs to be heard about childhood wounds or if you have no family members or friends who you can really talk to. I care and I am here for you.
With Love,
Elaine
Narcissists on both sides of the family, huh? Good times.
Thanks for leading me here. I look forward to reading more.
Cyndi, This comment made me laugh and cry at the same moment! In a good way
. Seems you know something about this. I look forward to reading more of your blog too! Thanks! Elaine
Hey Elaine!
Blog looks great and your songs are amazing! I think it’s important to our healing process for us DoNM’s to purge all the negative memories, be it through blogging, journaling, singing or whatever.
Look forward to reading more!
Hugs,
DA
DA, Thank you so much for your comments! I’m so glad you like my blog and songs. I agree with you about us DoNM’s healing through asserting our “Voice” in whatever means possible. Since our feelings were never validated by our NMs, it helps so much when we support each other now. Thanks for your support and Hugs. It means a lot to me! Hugs, Elaine
Dear Elaine,
I feel comforted by your blog; I can’t believe so many of us
have endured being raised by a narcissitic mother or father.
My elderly mother has moved in with my husband and myself
since Christmas 2009, I struggle each day with depression
and negative feeling toward her-please help me deal with
these terrible thoughts and guilt for not feeling very
loving towards her and I’m filled with resentment. I need
your support.
Many Thanks.
CS
Hi CS, I am so glad you reached out to me. Your feelings are completely understandable in your situation. I am so sorry that it is so hard right now–if my mother was living with me I would feel the same way! Of course you have the right to feel unloving towards her–if she was narcissistic then she was not loving to you as you deserved and needed as a child and this affects the rest of your life. Please tell me more about how you ended up taking her in. It is up to you, if you would like to talk to me by comment or if you would like to email me for a more private conversation. Someday I hope to set up telephone access but I am sorry I am not set up for that yet. Elaine
Hi Elaine,
Thanks for your reply and understanding it’s very difficult
talking to a friend regarding my situation; they just wouldn’t
understand.
I am the only daughter; I have two older brothers their wives
would never take care of my mother, thier relationship with
her is kind of rocky; they were never very close to her.
My Mom is 98 years old and she began having health issues,
she is mentally stable. physically she is declining. We couldn’t
afford a nursing home-so I suggested she move in with
us. I hope you will set up telephone access it would be
great to be able to speak to you.
CS
CS, Thank you for the info. on how she ended up in your home–that gives me some insight into the situation. I see my role as being an emotional support to you so that you can be strong enough to do what you set out to do. Like you, if I was the only one able, out of wanting to be humane when there was no one else available and all other resources had been tried, I too would take my negative, narcissistic mother in at the end of her life.
What you described to me was that you are struggling with your feelings of depression and guilt and resentment and this is what you need support for. It sounds to me as if you are, by being around someone who is a narcissist, on a daily basis, finding it difficult not to absorb the negativity that she exudes–this can happen even if she is no longer negative but you were wounded by her negativity in your formative years ( our bodies and souls never forget). I “lose my self” when I am around people who are very negative and I need time by myself to revive and find myself again. When you take someone into your home even for a short period of time, if they have a lot of this negativity it is going to affect your health and your feelings about yourself. The fact that you are feeling guilt about feeling the resentment is a conditioned response from being the child of a narcissistic parent–they teach us that their feelings are more important than ours and that we should feel guilt for having any of our own needs at all.
You need to be very, very nice to yourself right now. You are giving up your space, your time, your privacy, your life for someone who didn’t give you what you needed when it was your turn to be cared for. Of course you are resentful. You have the right to be. I would try voicing your feelings of anger, pain, and sorrow (all your feelings, whatever they are) in a journal that no one will ever see but you. I would also advise you to get time by yourself each day and do something extra nice for yourself to reward yourself for all you are giving up. You will get through this if you separate and find yourself and love yourself for this noble and extreme gesture that you are doing each and every day. Buy yourself flowers, take walks in nature, take bubble baths with your favorite music. Nature is God’s way of reviving us if we allow ourselves to take it in and see it’s beauty.
Depression is blocked hope. I want you to feel hopeful each and every day in knowing that you owe her nothing except humaneness at the end of her life. You have a right to all of your negative feelings towards her and to put yourself and your life first. And if it looks like this could be a longer time than you anticipated, seeking out a support group for caregivers might be a necessity. Unless your brothers are completely estranged from her, the expenses for her care should be divided three ways as I see it.
I am proud of you. You are a special person and God loves you so much. You are stronger than you think you are. You must believe this situation happened to you for you to learn something about your own strength. And as I see it, if HER behavior becomes so negative that you can bear it no more, you must save yourself and get free. Doesn’t the government help out when there is no one and no money for a nursiing home? I don’t know. But I applaud you. Everything is going to be all right. Please love yourself through this difficult time. You sound like a special highly sensitive person. Please give me some feedback if I was helpful to you. I hope I was. I will talk to you again as well if you need more support. You can do it CS! Love, Elaine
Hi Elaine,
I can’t begin to tell you how extremely helpful your words of
encouragement meant to me. I feel you are an understanding
compassionate and sensitive human being; similar to my
dearest childhood friend. I’m very fortunate to have someone
I can express my true feeling and frustrations too.
I will take your advice and begin a journal – writing my private
thoughts and express how Im’ feeling each and every day.
I enjoy walking and working out; I also go to a little chapel
after my exercise class to pray and meditate three times a week.
You have provided me with a sense of hope and comfort,
Thank you so much.
May God Bless You, Love CS
Dear CS, I can’t begin to tell you how extremely happy I am that I was helpful to you. You have expressed to me a very healthy and hopeful plan of action and I am so proud of you. There was something special that happened in this whole process–from the first time I read your first email request, I felt a “calm and a knowing” that I could help you. My long reply to you was easy to write–the words just flowed out of me and it was an experience I’ve had before like when I write my songs and I feel the lyrics were “given” to me from above. I hope this gives you extra comfort as well because I felt a spiritual connection that was very real. I am just beginning to understand my abilities as an “empath” and all that it means. CS, you will always hold a special place in my heart for being the first to trust me to coach you on my blog. Thank you for what you have done for me by trusting me and the confidence it has given me to continue to help others. Love, Elaine
Good Morning Elaine,
I awoke this morning recalling a dream-it was about
me hugging my mother, she was in distress due to
applying a mediation in her eyes, she complained she could
not see-I preceded to walk over to her and gave her a
big hug.
I just thought I would share that with you.
I feel so confident that I am able to express my thoughts
and feeling with you.
Love CAS
Hi CS,
I’m so glad you shared this with me. I do believe that dreams that we recall vividly like this can feel like messages to us. Our own personal interpretations are the most correct. For example, if it brings comfort to you then that is what it is meant to do. My thoughts are that because you have felt validated for your negative feelings and are releasing them, you are able to also unblock the positive feelings that are your true nature–your compassion and your ability to give to others without needing it to be returned. Loving yourself first helps a person to tap into the reservoir of love inside that can make a difference in the lives of others. Those are my thoughts but what YOU feel about this dream is most important. How do you feel about your dream, CS?
Love, Elaine
Hi Elaine,
Thanks for your reply-My interpretation of my dream is
I want so desperately to feel warmth and love toward
my mother, consequently I feel guiltly for not having
those feeling toward her. Daughter’s are supposed
have these feelings for their Mother. I do have compassion
especially now that she is in the twilight of her life; and
is showing sighns of vulnerability; each day I struggle
with these thoughts and feelings. I’m fortunate to have
a supportive loving husband and an amazing daughter
and son I feel blessed also I always get positive feedback
from them we have a great relationship.
Thank you Elaine, Love CS
CS, Thank you for sharing this. Your interpretation makes a lot of sense. Love, Elaine
Hi Elaine,
I very much enjoyed and very much appreciate your website and all the good work you do! I want to introduce myself, I’m Jim Hallowes and I invite you to my website http://www.HighlySensitivePeople.com and also suggest and give you my permission to add my website as a link on yours and in return I’ll be more than happy to create a link to yours, if you’d like that. I look forward to hearing from you.
All the best, Jim
Jim Hallowes
Founder, Highly Sensitive People® and http://www.HighlySensitivePeople.com
Director of the Dr. Pat Allen WANT® Institute “Educators of Effective Communication Strategies”
Tel: 310-390-4767, Email: Jim@HighlySensitivePeople.com
Hi Jim. Thank you so much for your kind words about my website! I had seen your name around the web but I had not yet visited your site. I checked it out and I am happy to add your link to my website. And yes, I accept your offer to put a link to mine on yours. I also look forward to talking to you more in the future.
Thank you so very much! Elaine
So in my journey, I have been given the gift of finding your blog!!!! Thank you Elaine and Thank you God for bringing me here. I am Okay…I am lovable…and I will survive this emotional roller coaster I am on right now. I have been No Contact (only emails and the odd conversation) for almost 2 years.
I am 40 years old,, married to an amazing man for 17 years who has been so supported each time I put myself back into my relationship with my mom “hoping this time it would better”. I am a mom to 2 precious gifts. Our miracle preemie son, who is almost 14 and our adopted little princess who is almost 4. I am loving be a mom and be a mom that I never had. It is great raising these 2 children with the care and respect they deserve.
Well as of this week, I am moving forward…never to look back. Reading your blogs is like reading completely about myself. I am having huge health issues right now, so your most recent blog In May about yoru health is totally me. I have had serious issues with pain in my neck since I was a little girl. My mom would rush me to doctors thinking I was dying because of me complaining I had a sore neck. This has turned into Fibromyalgia, now Liver issues, and I am being tested for Lupus. Well, I know if I can get rid of the anger and heal myself emotionally, probably most of my physical ailments will also disappear.
I am always on the go…questioning how “lazy” my friends are who sit and read at night and don’t clean or do “stuff”. I’m always on the go helping others (which I do not want to change…I LOVE helping people) but I need to find that balance. Time for me to “Get Lazy”…my friends have it right and I don’t.
With your words, I will heal. Thank you!!! God has blessed you with an amazing gift to help others heal and for that I will be eteranally grateful!!!
Blessings,
Darlene
Darlene, Wow! Thank you so much for your comment and for your kind supportive words and expressions of gratitude! I am so happy you found me and that I am part of your moving forward to a healthier life in every way! Yay! I like how you say, “I am Okay…I am lovable…and I will survive this emotional roller coaster…” Once you can comfort yourself with positive affirmations like this, the rest comes easier to process. I am so sorry that you have had to endure a narcissistic mother and such chronic health problems. Yes, there is definitely a tie between the physical and emotional healing. You get it! Wonderful that you see that you need to find balance from being too busy. Thank you for saying, “With your words, I will heal…” –I appreciate it more than words can say. God has blessed you with a bright and shining light as well that uplifts many others! Welcome! With warmest wishes on your healing journey, Elaine
I am in the most terrible pain at the moment. My mother is 86 years old and suffering from emphysema but she is still able to play her games even now. Her health is deteriorating and she needs help and I have been giving it, but she has hurt me so badly I don’t know how to go on. I feel I must cut off from her for the most part, despite the fact that she may die very soon. I am in agony. I cannot believe that she does not love me and never loved me, but I know that that is true. I am in such pain right now. Thankyou for reading this.
Thank you for trusting me enough to express this painful experience. You are seeking validation for this experience because part of you knows it will help you to have this pain “heard” and “felt” by a safe and empathic witness. The pain you are feeling is from your childhood. Your mother was not capable of giving you the love you needed as a child. As highly sensitive children this is unbearable to us and the wound doesn’t heal until we acknowledge this and then can allow ourselves to receive this love and know we are worthy of it. Your wounded part has been reopened by your mother’s behavior. But part of you is strong enough to acknowledge this childhood pain–you are feeling it now. It is coming up now because you are strong enough to “bear” it and comfort yourself through this truth. It means you are ready for healing. This is a healing opportunity. You are worthy. God does not want you to suffer and He is your true parents. You are loved unconditionally just as you are. Don’t fight the pain–resisting makes it persist. You are loved. God IS love and it is all around you. Love will heal your pain. We (This community of HSP survivors) all send our love… We all…understand. Sending comfort, love, and strength so you can heal, Elaine
I “lose my self” when I am around people who are very negative and I need time by myself to revive and find myself again.”
I hate myself for that.I wonder why people cant be sensitive!!!!
!
I was married to a narcissist for 22 years. She was a perfect play actor, but I did feel constant blame and resentment from her, which left me in a constant state of confusion. I wanted to take her out of the dark, but she fought it every step. Thanks to your blog “The Active Side of Infinity” I suddenly realize she is a sociopath and nothing can be done to help her. Why is it that empaths fall into the worst relationships possible? We want to help the un-help-able and beat our heads against the wall.