March 15, 2011 HOPE For Overcoming Childhood Pain and Guilt–For Highly Sensitive Survivors of a Narcissistic Parent
Hi everyone. As we are halfway through March, there is HOPE! There is hope for Spring and warmer temperatures around the corner, hope for the U.S. economy as joblessness decreases, hope for the Japanese people as they recover from the horrific earthquake and tsunami. We put ourselves in their shoes and imagine how we would cope. Messages of love, compassion, and hope from other nations via the social networks on the internet are helping them to cope. Hope gives us all the boost we need in hard times. We then know “things will get better!”. The suffering of others reminds us how we are all connected. Helping others to have hope really makes a difference for us all as humans together on this planet.
As Highly Sensitive Survivors (HSPs) of a narcissistic parent we were deprived of hope as children, our hopes and dreams were stomped on, and we repressed the pain of these events. Now we exist in between bouts of denial of how bad things were, bouts of pain and anger etc. that rise up “out of the blue” (often when things are finally improving for us), and bouts of hope that our struggle to be happy will somehow get easier.
As the truth of what happened to us gets validated and we learn to comfort the wounded child within, slowly things are getting better for us. But often it feels like 2 steps forward and then 1 step back as we heal. Please do not be discouraged by this back and forth process, we must have compassion for ourselves through the difficulty of the healing process–we must acknowledge the pain before we can release it and heal another painful layer that was hiding our true self and true voice.
With the release of the pain hopefully you are beginning to experience the aliveness of “feeling” and noticing a spark of light inside of you. That is your soul shining through to tell you that everything is going to be okay. Hold on to that feeling–it will help you to remember the truth about you–you are God’s child and God/The Universe is love itself and you are loved unconditionally.
Try to think back in your childhood to a time before age 5 when you were happy, excited, loving, sweet, full of great ideas and enthusiasm, and with the confidence that your ideas were great ones! That memory is of your true self! Out of fear, caused by your Narcissistic parent, you were made to give up and your true self went “underground”. Often the repressed and unremembered trauma happens at the age of 5 or 6 (A. Miller). A false, obedient self emerged in order to survive and “get along” with your narcissistic parent. But that is not you. You are much, much more. You have a deep and rich inner life that you still feel ashamed to reveal. I understand this. I hope that my website is a safe place for you to find validation and comfort in your deepest dreams and desires that are beginning to awaken inside of you.
Many of you who find my site are struggling with the guilt of wanting to be free of your narcissistic parent. Highly Sensitive People want so badly to do the right thing–the thing that is right in God’s eyes or to be humane and kind and unconditionally loving. I want to help you understand that narcissistic parents are not “of God” or “of Love” because due to atrocities and abuse in their childhoods they have become disconnected completely from their own inner light. I believe their lack of remorse and compassion proves this to be true. We must protect ourselves from others who try to put out our “light“– the very essence and expression of our true self and true voice that is our “vitality”. We can regain our vitality when we “walk away” from such negativity while we are healing and establishing new healthy boundaries for ourselves. How they got that way and how to help them is not our concern now as we KNOW from experience they do not WANT to change. They are very much unconsciously jealous of those of us with “shining lights” and so are always attempting to “put out our lights”–they drain us of our energy–they are energy vampires. They are “wet-blankets” on our bright ideas and dreams, instilling fear in their children by projecting “How dare you be happy when I am not happy”. We learned to feel ashamed of our innate joy, and enthusiasm for life! It is so painful to our sensitive souls to be so unloved and unappreciated, so unseen and invisible because we were not mirrored, our very basic needs went unmet, we were not accepted as every child, every soul, deserves to be!
All of this may sound very esoteric and mystical to some, but the reading that I was drawn to, to help me come to terms with “why did God give me a narcissistic parent”, helped me to understand that God/The Universe is not to blame. I have come to understand now that, within my true self, and with the belief in a loving Universe/God, I have the strength and knowledge to overcome this deprivational beginning to my life, get away from dangerous and narcissistic people, and make the second half of my life full of love, joy, bliss, and heaven on earth! You can do it too! There is hope for us all as we learn from each other and support and encourage the true essence of our spirits that shine through amidst all the pain and self-doubt. I can feel the hope and light inside each and every one of you. I care, with love.