In a variety of different posts, I have shared some of my poems and healing writings. These writings are taken directly from my personal journal. Here on this new page I am copying them all in one spot so my readers can have easier access to them. With love and light, Elaine
From my soul I’ll speak of the trail
Left behind years ago
Still persisting feelings of woe:
When children are treated
as objects to control
The fear in their hearts
and stress takes a toll
You may be proud
your child is obedient
But when children fear you
The damage is immediate
But they do not feel it
‘til years have gone by
They survive it by numbing
Their feelings inside
And then when they search
For their dreams and then find them
The fear and the guilt
Come up to surprise them
They are happy so the feelings
Come up then to heal.
Surprise! Here I am!
And we say “Why are you here?
I was feeling so happy
and finally free
Now guilt, shame, and doubt
Are now plaguing me”
But don’t give up hope
It’s a really good thing
Reassure your inner child
Your soul can still sing
But right now you must comfort
The child inside
The child who gave up
With noone on their side
‘It’s gonna be all right
I’m here for you now”
Be there for your self
Grief you must allow
Grieve for the childhood
That you didn’t get
Grieve out the pain
For the terror you met
You needed your parents
Approval to survive
So you gave up your dreams
And your parents then thrived
But what about you
Admit it’s not fair
They used you for their needs
As if your needs weren’t there
So you pushed down your needs
Far deep down inside
Your needs are still there
Still needing to cry
They need to be voiced
They need to be heard
Once you then do this
You’re free as a bird
Until the next time-I know
It doesn’t seem fair
This process of healing
So painful to bear
Pain keeps coming up
Just when things seem so good
There are layers arising
To heal when they should
Don’t see it as a sign that
You’ve done something wrong
It means things are great
And you are getting strong!
Strong enough to get through it
Face the truth in the pain
You didn’t deserve it!
You are not to blame!
And you are worth the effort
You’re a sensitive soul
Special and gifted
You have a new role
It’s caregiver, friend
Enlightened and free
You inspire others
To live joyfully
To see all the positive
Things in this life
To turn around negatives
And end all the strife
Because now you know
no matter what’s going on
You can get through it
Your True Self is strong!
It was hidden but survived
Until the days you were strong
Now let out the pain
To deny it is wrong
It happened–it killed you
So wounded inside
But you can recover
Your feelings that hide
And then you feel better
You’ll feel much relief
Be proud of your self
You got through the grief
You relearn to trust
There are people who are kind
The ones who control
They can just…never mind!!
Set your sights on the people
Who are trying to heal
Who admit they’re in pain
And just want to feel
You can help them
‘cause of what you’ve been through
We are here to help each other
Don’t you think that is true?
So you see it’s okay
This up and down track
Some days you are happy
Other days pain comes back
Be kind to yourself
You’ve done well and it’s fine
On days when you’re anxious
Take it easy on your mind
Don’t think so much
All those negative thoughts
Replace them with comfort
And love yourself lots!
Every child deserves
To be cherished as they are
Not molded to be…
Control leaves such a scar
And all that can heal
If you give yourself love
Be patient and rest
You’ve been working so hard
Then everything will be
All right you will see
Your soul deserves freedom
Take it from me
I’ve been there too
Now I finally love me!
Click here to see this poem in it’s original post with comments=>http://hopehealing.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/from-the-heart-of-an-obedient-child-the-painful-legacy-left-behind/
2)
The Angry Poem
By Elaine D. Sanders
Feb. 26, 09
What you did to me I’ll never forget
My soul knows the truth and I’m still quite upset
When you blame me for all of your anger and pain
It used to destroy me, but now I see your game.
You convince everyone I love that I’m bad
Because I don’t obey when you are so sad
My feelings don’t matter to you– not at all.
All you can think about is getting control
So stand up I must and fight for my rights!
I don’t want to visit not one single night!
I’m through with this game–this fake family love
God knows the truth and he’s watching above
My inner voice tells me be strong–it’s not right
Mothers who love don’t use “things” to cause fights
You threaten your children or they’re “out of the will”
Your grandmother did that and you are doing it still!
I’m angry at you pushing me around for so long
I’m saying no more! What you are doing is wrong!
You need to get help for your desperate ways
Let go of your children–let them enjoy all their days
I rebel from this trap–this dreadful control!
I hate what you did with all of my soul
You broke my heart over and over again
Then you stomped it once more and felt good with a grin!
I know you’re two people–the nice and the mean
The mean one’s the real one–I know what I’ve seen!
I’ve seen how you laugh when you get back at others
You thrive on revenge even though you’re a mother
Your children are the easiest prey for your pain
If they don’t obey you, your wrath starts to rain
There’s no stopping your rage as you blame and you seeth
“I’ll punish my kids ‘til they are weak in the knees!”
But you see you are wrong if you think you can win
I’ve got love on my side and I cannot be pinned
My soul it is free and punishments fall flat
I don’t want your “things”—they feel like a trap.
What kind of mother uses meanness and force
Instead of loving our differentness–if you’re different you’re cursed
I’m deep and introspective, with wisdom to give
A writer, a singer, loving mom to my kids
I want to be me and I finally know how
People who know me they care and say wow!
I’m angry about my childhood–lived in fear all the time!
I’m lucky I survived–being me was my crime
I like being me now and with you I feel rage
My childhood was spent in deep fear…like a cage
How dare I feel happy with singing and fun
Your mean looks sent terror through my spine like a gun
It killed me! I gave up! “Sure” I was a bad seed
Hopelessly obedient–in fear and in need
A shell of a person until out on my own
Then the poems and the journals tell the truth that was sown
I didn’t deserve it! I was trusting and kind
I’d like to give you a big piece of my mind!
But I won’t waste my energy or my precious time
With you there’s no winning—you need help with your mind!
There’s a whole new world out there–nice people and friends
I know who to avoid and who to defend
People like you I move away from fast
People with a conscience…now those friendships last
My life it is big now and has love overflowing!
Because you are not in it, my light’s finally glowing!
The future looks bright and I have finally arrived!
I am free from my (N) mother, and thank God now I thrive!
I hope this poem helps you to get in touch with your own truth and gives you strength. I don’t want to condone anyone to express anger and rage directly to their mothers or narcissistic parent. This poem was written for myself and my healing alone and was never intended to be sent to my mother. The point is to admit your anger and release it and move forward and use your anger as energy towards the positive and healthy in your life and never to get revenge or hurt another person, even those people who have hurt you. Living well is the best revenge. Please respect the intention of this poem–it is for personal healing and strength for those highly sensitive souls who are slow to allow themselves righteous anger and often blame themselves rather than cause any conflict with other people. Please use these words as a personal healing tool only. Thank you for your understanding. With love, Elaine
Click here to see this poem in it’s original post with comments=>http://hopehealing.wordpress.com/2010/05/13/may-13-2010-voicing-and-releasing-righteous-anger-a-guide-for-highly-sensitive-people-hsps-with-a-narcissistic-parent/
3)
Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There
By Elaine D. Sanders
Feb 21, 2007
Telling someone helped me heal
All the pain inside was real
No wonder I had been so tired
My whole heart had been so mired
So much grief to lead the way
Let it out, so much to say
I was never there for you
The way I thought I was, it’s true
Because I was empty – none to give
Alive but I just now learned to live
Soulful is the proper word
I have “me” – it sounds absurd
Let your painful feelings out
You can’t be whole and live without
Expression of unfairness do
Your soul will help you live anew
And learn compassion for your self
Don’t put feelings on a shelf
Any doubt is harmful thought
The truth is–look how far you got!
Negativity and blocks
To true self and joyful shocks
Being blamed can stunt our growth
Fear of feelings: anger, both
Also fearing joy and bliss
Pain comes up and we all miss
The connection to our rightful heir
Joy, our birthright, waiting there!
Love is what we all deserve
Joy it feels when then observed
Share it then and it comes back
Filling up the past we lacked
Helping others heal their wounds
Nothing like it – glowing moons
Stars are twinkling, warming sun
Nature loves us one by one
Let the love come down on you
It is there don’t block the view
Doubts of self will keep it blocked
You must trust your soul’l be rocked!
With this truth I’m trying to tell
Creative soul fear-blocked is hell
Heaven is a word away
Love is here please let it stay
You deserve its welcome home
Inside you it does belong
Love yourself I’m trying to say
God is trying – just light the way
Ask him to comfort your soul
Believe! And he will rock and roll!
I’m not kidding this I know
I let out grief and felt a glow
A light inside I did believe
I’m OK. I feel. I grieve.
Compulsions all have fear beneath
God has no shoulds or work hard teeth
Be yourself and kindness do
Serve to help others heal anew
Help them see that love transcends
We can all relax and mend
“Relax and enjoy your life
and everything will be alright!”
This phrase came in a dream so real
I hope this poem will help you heal
Click here to see this poem in it’s original post with comments=>http://hopehealing.wordpress.com/2010/10/12/october-12-2010-journaling-for-joy-and-finding-my-true-voice-in-a-poem/
4)
Thank God For The Tapes I Saved In My Attic
by Elaine Sanders
September 12, 2005
How can it be that I was so wrong?
I was sure that my singing just didn’t belong
But I know now that it somehow survived
The pain from rejection I did carefully hide
And I hid my soul, became what you needed instead
And so on the inside I was almost dead
But clinging to life were pieces of hope
And when I’d feel happy your eyes made me grope
How dare I feel happy and want to be free
My role in this life was devoted to thee
As a child I trusted you with all of my heart
If you disapproved then I should not start
Then I’d sing and I’d feel really good to express
All of my sadness and my happiness
But your criticism and judgement caused me such great shame
I’d berate myself for trying over and over again
I said, “I’m not as good as I feel in my heart
Or she would have told me ’cause she’s really smart”
“She knows good music and I must be bad
Or she would have told me”. So sad, so sad
And so each time I’d sing at home in my room
Your disapproving looks made me feel such doom
I understand now that my heart it was breaking
My trust in myself, it was completely taken
I developed a false identity
Approval from others was all I could see
But now I am seeing that this pattern is insane
Every time I sing well I feel really deep shame
And that is why I stopped singing all of those years
Its ingrained in my neurons and it brings me to tears
What I didn’t know was that it wasn’t true
I’m actually good and shouldn’t feel blue
It’s so hard to change when it’s so automatic
Even when it’s fantastic there’s that negative static
The feeling inside, it’s this horrible dread
And I realize the messages are inside my head
“You’re horrible, disgusting, the sound must be grating.
Or she would have told you, you deserve all the hating”
But I don’t deserve it and I’m through with this trick!
For whatever reason what you did it was sick!
Maybe it was done to you as a kid
And you are in denial of all that it did.
And that is why you must control and be critical
You run from your feelings and that is so pitiful
I’ve tried to help you almost every year since
I’ve given and reached out and it still makes me wince
When you criticize others and I see it’s not true
It helps me to see it’s not me—it’s all you!
Still I’m left with this legacy of fearing to try
Being myself well it just makes me cry
If it weren’t for the tapes I made of my songs…
I’ve listened to them lately and I know you were wrong
But still now it happens again and again
When will I stop feeling as if I have sinned.
I want to believe in myself and my gift
Perhaps writing this poem will help me to shift
I’m angry and I’m trying to handle the rage
All my life I was cheated–I’ve been in a cage
I try to forgive–you didn’t understand?
How painful it was? It wasn’t your plan?
You thought I’d be happy to stay home with you
And not go to college, my ambitions were few.
That’s what you saw but you were so wrong
And I didn’t dare tell you what I felt for so long
I wanted to be a singer and in college well I did it!
They told me I’m good…but it was too painful to believe it.
Now I understand I’m a sensitive soul
Few understand me but I am no fool
It’s amazing all that I have overcome
Raising two happy children with what I came from
To trust in their feelings and believe in their dreams
Noone can stop you if you believe in these things
And I have learned how to comfort myself and my feelings
When all seems a loss from the past and those dealings
I still get afraid but sometimes I’m ecstatic
Thank God For The Tapes I Saved In My Attic!
Click here to see this poem in it’s original post with comments=>http://hopehealing.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/november-17-2010-a-poem-to-my-narcissistic-mother-an-hsps-recovery-from-artistic-and-creativ
