Take Me Down

Take Me Down

By Roxanne Elaine Smith

Woke up feeling all the pain of all injustice

Of those accused but did nothing wrong

It’s as if those who shine their lights the brightest

Bear the brunt of changing darkness into song

=====================

Chorus: Take me down to the river

And I’ll wash away my tears

Take me down with the givers

And we’ll wash away the years

Let the water wash the darkness

From the hearts of all those souls

Who do not know that the river holds the gold.

===========================

Hidden from the consciousness illusions do arise

And a subtle roll of thunder underneath the cloud survives

Beware the dark billowing of shadows that roll in

And the light of those entangled must be strong and grow within

==========================

Chorus: Take me down to the river

And I’ll wash away my tears

Take me down with the givers

And we’ll wash away the years

Let the water wash the darkness

From the hearts of all those souls

Who do not know that the river holds the gold.

================================

Bridge: That’s the beauty of believing in a higher love

I can comfort all injustice in my life

Take me down with your words and I get help from up above

Bring on the pain it just makes me feel alive

Take me down, take me down, take me down,

take me down,

Take me down, take me down, take me down

=============================

Chorus: Take me down to the river

And I’ll wash away my tears

Take me down with the givers

And we’ll wash away the years

Let the water wash the darkness

From the hearts of all those souls

Who do not know that the river holds the gold.

2x, slow to end.

Original song © Roxanne Smith

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Helpful Diet and Lifestyle Tips For the Highly Sensitive Soul


Hello everyone.  Highly Sensitive People often have highly sensitive bodies and food sensitivities.  Perhaps you are realizing this about yourself and frustrated about what to eat.  I know I was for a long time and it has been a journey of trial and error finding what worked for me.  I finally found it in 1995 and it changed my life and gave me so much more energy and hope. Now people comment that I look younger than my age (my children are grown up and on their own).  Here is a recent photo of me.

img_5308

I attribute this solely to the fact that I have been on (for the most part) this very healthy diet called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that I discovered in September of 1995. (I wrote a longer post about this diet previously on this blog and it has gotten over 5,000 views–you can read about it here.)

Due to being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I am happy to say that this diet cured me of my chronic fatigue syndrome and multiple food allergies that plagued me in my late 20s through my 30s. Since then I always come back to it to regain my health when I wander off of it from time to time. Now I’ve been sticking to it! It is an anti-inflammatory diet which explains why I have no aches and pains or arthritis like many people my age do. By reducing the allowed nuts I find I can keep my desired weight in check too (in other words, when I eat too many nuts and nut butters on this diet, I tend to gain weight if I’m not exercising much–it took me some time to figure this out! :D)

But all diets need adjustments to the individual needs of the person. This past year, in my attempts to be even more balanced,  I unknowingly was actually hurting my health! I had stopped eating red meat a year ago for ethical reasons and I do not like seafood AND at the same time I stopped eating raisins and dried fruits because of a recent final surge of ridding myself of candidiasis (yes, my lifelong struggle with candidiasis is now finally under control–I could write another whole post on this subject… 🙂 ). I believe it was all of these things that lead up to my body being low on IRON for months without realizing it! No wonder I was dragging! I waited too long to get a blood test to find out why I wasn’t bouncing back after a recent move to a new house.

Now I heard it may even take as much as 90 days to get my body absorbing iron supplements properly. But I’m so grateful it wasn’t anything more serious and all I have to do is take some supplements.  The big lesson learned is:  we can’t always intuitively know what our bodies are needing!  Sometimes we need a blood test now and then!  My wonderful, compassionate, alternative doctor is an MD of Integrative Medicine. He had only heard a little about the SCD diet but he has supported me completely when I told him of my results with it.  In addition to increasing my iron he is also having me get B12 shots now twice a week as well as some adrenal support as well to get my energy levels back to normal.  He had wanted me to have a blood test 7 months before I finally did (but I was stressed and too busy with all that is entailed with getting ready to move to a new home). Now that I’m settled in my new home, I’m determined to get back to performing again and writing more songs of hope and healing and now, with a doctor’s help, I’m back on my way again. Yay!

(It took me a long time to find a doctor who was sensitive to my needs.  If you’d like to try a new doctor, pray for guidance and listen to your intuition, and keep searching until you find the right one for you.  Insurance may not cover the one you find but the extra expense may be worth it if you think of your body as an investment that is worth the extra cost.)

Yes, we highly sensitive souls often have highly sensitive bodies that need extreme self care! And healthy diets are the fuel to help us reach the goals of our true purpose on the planet.

Here is a website which supports my diet (now a lifestyle that I adhere to):  http://scdlifestyle.com/about-the-scd-diet/.  I am not a medical professional–please always check with your doctor or a licensed medical professional before changing your diet.

It’s not easy to give up unhealthy comfort foods but it is so worth it when you finally have the energy to carry out your passions and gifts!!  In my case, with this particular diet, it takes about 2 weeks to get over the sugar and complex carb cravings and then it gets easier.  And if you are sensitive to gluten you may feel the energy increase immediately.

Remember, sensitive souls, you are sensitive for a reason, so please take care of yourself so you finally take off and soar!!  As you grow in compassion for your inner child’s wounds, grow in inner strength to rise above negative messages that arise to heal, the next step is to increase your energy levels so that you can become a creative partner with your higher self!!  You can do it!!

With love,

Roxanne

Sharing a Song of Hope to Comfort the Fear as Obama Leaves Office

Hello everyone. I felt inspired to write today to send comfort!  A lot of people and especially minorities are feeling fear right now. (The inauguration of Trump is today).  It is palpable! Fear of the unknown possibilities of losing freedoms that America has fought long and hard for. I’m sharing my song Free To Live, which is one of my most downloaded songs, to give hope. It was written as I overcame an inner struggle to feel free to express myself. I also hope it is a reminder that feeling free to express your true voice and true self is essential to the pursuit of happiness which is so clearly stated in the Constitution of the United States as a fundamental right. …And it’s essential for all humans on the planet!

I believe Freedom is a state of mind much like inner peace that we can tap into internally and spiritually and give ourselves the inner strength to express our true voice. I believe God is love and wants us ALL to feel Free, to have self-belief, and to be self-empowered to be ourselves and spread love and light while sharing our unique creative gifts!

We will get through the turbulent times ahead by remembering that darkness is only the absence of light–and by turning up the lightswitches in all of our hearts we can and will illuminate the earth and the darkness can and will eventually disappear! This is because the majority of people on the planet are of the light!!! We will pour into the streets (peaceful protesting) if we all can’t be Free To Live!!! Please Share!

With love, Roxanne 💖

(You can buy this song on iTunes, Amazon, or music sites worldwide–just search Roxanne Smith. Or on my website RoxanneSmithMusic.com)

https://www.reverbnation.com/roxann…/…/22706519-free-to-live

Singer Songwriter music

Emotional Healing Tips for HSPs and an Inner Child Healing Poem

Hello everyone.  So many people are still continuing to visit and follow this blog even though I stopped writing on it a while back!  This community is indeed a special one!  I realize the common bond we all have of sharing the journey of awakening to becoming our true selves by acknowledging the depths of our childhood wounds. We HSPs innately have the inner strength and determination to voice and transmute our painful truths, grow in self-compassion, and ultimately learn to comfort ourselves in order to become whole and ultimately Shine Strong!! ✨ 😍 ✨   I’ve decided to reconnect with you all again and share some more personal posts knowing this is a place where I can share my most authentic self!  What’s more important than that?!!  haha Nothing, right?!!  💃 💝

To refresh your memory, “Hope and Healing with Elaine” was changed to “Hope and Healing Haven” as I revealed my real name was Roxanne Elaine Smith. It was wonderfully empowering to step into being myself and no longer use a pen name.  Many changes have happened to me since I’ve been away.  Mostly I have stepped fully into my realizing I am a singer/songwriter at heart and that I was born to do it!!  I’ve been evolving as a performer and it is my top career priority.  I am also still a life coach (on hiatus) and feel comfortable now calling myself a Spiritual Counselor as I have been drawn more and more to understanding “the big picture” of why I am here “as a soul”.   I have an unquenchable desire to connect with my higher self at all times now and also learn to balance and understand the challenge of being a highly sensitive person on the planet.  Let me know if you can relate to my journey and I will continue to share on this blog all that I am discovering.

To get right to it, here is a post that I shared on the newer blog Higher Ground Haven (which has less personal stories) that I felt really belonged here on this blog:

The-Bright-Sun-Blue-Sky-Clouds

Are you a highly creative, sensitive soul struggling with feelings of inadequacy?  Take heart because it is not easy to take the road less traveled when you are trying to fit in with what appears to be going on in the world.  Take a step back and go inward.  This is the direction to go to find inner peace and satisfaction in your life.

You have gifts beyond measure that are invisible to most people you encounter on a daily basis out in the world.  Loneliness is a sign that you are separated from your true self.  The more you reach outward to the masses to fill this loneliness, the lonelier you may feel.  A rich, inner life exists inside of you when you connect with your true self, your passions, desires, and gifts with compassion for all you’ve been through to get to here. Be kind to yourself about your separation from knowing and loving yourself.  Often it is as small children that this separation began so it takes Inner Child Healing to find ourselves again.

Journaling out (for your eyes only) the painful truths of events from childhood can help us tell our story to ourselves.  By accessing the right side of our brain through writing we also access the compassionate part of our brain that comforts and soothes and say “wow, no wonder you feel sad…” or mad, hopeless, fearful, or whatever feeling is dormant, blocked, and keeping us from feeling whole and vital and joyful.

Inner Child Grief Work can take a long time, years in fact, as you work through the layers of emotion that come up to the surface to be validated, comforted, and ultimately released by YOU!  Yes, you can be your own compassionate therapist, your own enlightened witness if you embrace this process and trust that your heart will guide you to the next layer to be released.

This is “the road less traveled” but it does not have to be a lonely road.  Yes, it is a solitary road though and it will lead you to much joy and inner peace when you work through the layers of untruths you believed down to your core as a child.  As you shine light and love on your wounded inner child, she/he will begin trusting herself and this new process of healing– the child inside will feel lighter and lighter as the negative beliefs reveal themselves as just illusions meant to protect you at that time and then these beliefs will gradually fall away.

What remains is a strong desire not to suffer any longer and an ability to rise above negativity when you get triggered by something coming from someone else.  You will finally know “you” and you will stop beating yourself up mentally.  You will recognize when you start to spiral negatively and you will learn to stop yourself and be kind.  Positive affirmations like “I love and approve of myself”, and “I am safe” are essential in this core rebuilding process.

As you go forth in this healing process, emotional pain that arises will be looked on as a healing opportunity to get to the more joyful truth underneath. Because you know that the essence of you is a compassionate, loving, kind-hearted soul who is here on the planet to help and never harm others and that is so special and rare.  You then will love being alone to recharge your soul so you can lift others up to see the beauty that exists that others do not notice.  Your gift to the planet is your sensitivity and what a blessing it is to be different than other people and have this wisdom to heal deeply, recharge, and spread love and light to others.  It takes time to heal and rest from the trauma of being misunderstood and separated from our true gifted nature as children.  Be kind to yourself about it and let the healing take as long as it takes.

For myself, after years of inner grief work journaling and finding my voice starting in 2003, by 2011 I had healed most of the inner wounds and finally felt a wonderful feeling of “wholeness”.  This was a feeling I couldn’t foresee or imagine during the process.  Once you master this process of finding your inner strength through writing, you will use it often to get clarity of the lesson of each new experience the universe offers up to you. I got away from blogging here in the last couple of years as I pursued my music but I’ve continued with the journaling whenever needed. I’ll be sharing my continued journey more now on this blog as HSPs have continued to reach out to me and I am at a new place incorporating the music as a healing source for others as well.

I have discovered that social media outlets like facebook can be an addictive and unhealthy distraction much like too much television dulls our motivation and steals our joy–especially if you look to it as a companion of sorts or as a source of validation for your personal daily life.  I have found it to be best utilized as a platform to shine and help others and to share creative works to inspire.  A personal facebook page is supportive when you lose a pet or family member or need support when you are occasionally ill or have some bad luck …but for deeper daily struggles it can drag you down further–it’s best to unplug from it and go inward and not compare ourselves to what others are doing and saying or expect the masses to understand our complex lives.

We HSPs have all the answers to our own neediness inside ourselves.  Self-compassion and loving, soothing attention to the child inside who feels a sense of unbelonging is the answer to all discontent in my opinion.  When you begin to love and protect your hurt inner child, you recharge and create helpful work that keeps on giving.  The sense of accomplishment snowballs to living a creative life of exciting possibilities.  You trust that whatever is around the corner, it will be a wonderful adventure as you discover more of what you are capable of.

Being your own best friend is not a corny cliche`–it is a real and essential tool for highly sensitive people to navigate our world inhabited by lots of lesser evolved souls who can’t relate to our emotional journey.  We have a higher purpose, a higher vibration of light to shine as “lightworkers” if you will, and our inner child needs our own tender loving self-care in order to be able to turn the light switch back up from the dimming that may have occurred in childhood or from an unsupportive culture or environment.

Shine on yourself first when you are not feeling the least bit shiny. Let me explain.  Highly sensitive people have a gift of believing in lofty ideals and “light” and that really is a highly spiritual concept.  Deep inside we “know” that unconditional love exists for all and we can tap into that love whenever we want. If you struggle with this concept consider that you may be blocking yourself from receiving this loving feeling from the universe because of a childhood belief that you don’t deserve it.  You may have to actively “decide” to be open to allowing love in from Heaven/God/ Source/Universe/ All That Is/ Mother Nature or whatever you’d like to call it.

Believing I deserve love and letting it in made all the difference in my life.  It changed me from looking to others for outside validation to knowing I could heal myself and shine my gifts on the planet to make a difference.  Now this is no longer daily work for me but I still need to journal to reconnect to my inner wisdom from time to time when I need to recharge from the world.

Being an HSP, highly intuitive person, highly evolved, compassionate, or introspective soul is only difficult when you compare yourself to the masses. Consider that you came here to make a difference!–to shine a new path, a new way of thinking about the earth.  You are a pioneer here to show others how to appreciate nature, how to see beauty in unlikely places, how music or poetry can lift them up, how a healthy diet can change your mood, or how building a strong body can help you have more energy to accomplish goals you never imagined before, etc.  There are so many ways that HSPs are essential to our planet thriving.  It all starts with loving the little child inside of you who is still comparing herself to others instead of seeing the spectacular yet fragile gift she/he has always been and always will be!

After all my inner work now my inner child is very strong.  She is the playful creative force behind all my creative works.  This poem flowed out of me from beginning to end in one fell swoop one day recently when I was in my car–I always have pen and paper handy for when a song or poem comes to me.  I just stop everything and write it down. I’m glad to share it with you now:

angel inner child

Wise Inner Child and Wings and Things

By Roxanne E. Smith

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Painful layers coming up

Anger, grief and other stuff

I thought all of this was healed

No there’s more! It is revealed!

Inner child inside can now

Tell the truth—feels safe somehow

I will comfort her brave heart

Out of hiding, let her start

To spread her fragile angel wings

Never used before it seems…

Whoa!! She’s ready! Knows they’re real!

Says, “Yeah, I’ve got wings! It’s no big deal!”

No more hiding them from sight

Imagining her very first flight

I’m the one who kept her down

Protecting her from scorn or frown

She tells me to open the door

“Look” she says, “what wings are for!”

Flying easy as the breeze,

she hovers anywhere she please

Surprised that I am still afraid

She takes MY hand and says, “Let’s trade!

“You be me and I’ll be you.”

“Did you know you have wings too!?”

I look behind and see them there

Tucked away with so much care

Hidden just beneath my sight

I didn’t know I had the right!

“I’ve been busy protecting you

and now I see I’ve got wings too!

I am scared to try them out.

It’s been so long I’ve gone without

How to switch to this new change

It feels so shameful and I feel strange!”

Wise child says,

“You know where that’s from?

Others shamed you because they had none.

No wings to fly wherever they want

So they put you down to stay up front.

But now you know the truth down deep

You learned from all the lessons reaped

Deep inside you know your soul

Has learned more love through the life school

Many lives you’ve lived and learned

About compassion and now’s your turn

You’re here to be a beacon light

Fly and shine on others bright

You know you do this anyway

But you’ve got wings so fly and play

Fly and play don’t toil and fret!

You’re sensitive but the strongest yet!

Now you get to do your thing!

Love and shine and fly and sing!

That’s all that’s it and now you know!”

The little child then hugged me so

And said,

“I love you and I’m always here

I’m your inner strength—no longer fear

You protected me ‘til I was strong

Now I help you to get along

Just like with the Butterfly

The caterpillar is gone goodbye!

Brave new woman with golden wings

Stand your ground and fly and sing

Tell about your growth to show

Others who also do not know

That they have hidden wings as well

They earned them too but they can’t tell

Not until they are really SEEN

For the first time since they were teens

They tried to fly but soon were stopped

And painfully their wings were cropped

But they grew back and have been ready

Until the self was loved and steady

Grounded in peace—no longer fear

You’re free to fly away my dears!

So lighten your house and ease your load

Because the next chapter’s seeds are sowed

Freedom is what will grow

and life will have a different flow

Peace and love will soothe your soul

So you can sing some rock’n’roll

Giving hope to others through

Sharing what you love to do

Then they’ll believe in their own soul

And all the world will heal to whole!”

The child then smiled and said, “Okay?!”

Then held my hand and we flew away!!

Original Poem © Roxanne Elaine Smith

I wish all of you all the most glorious blessings that life has to offer!  Whether you are alone or with loved ones, remember you are loved from above and you are never alone.  As well as having a higher true self that is your creative source, I believe we all have a spirit guide who is our best soul friend and guardian angel looking out for us from heaven and giving us those Aha moments and pride in ourselves for rising up to higher heights to fly!

With warm wishes of love, light, and inner peace,

Roxanne

Beginning to recover

Here is a post from a wonderful new blog which has links to mine. I highly recommend it! 😀 With love and light to all of you, Roxanne
(formerly pen name Elaine)

An adult daughter's struggle to recover from narcissistic parents

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been reading a lot of information on how to recover from the harm done by parents with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and I also found out that I am indeed a highly sensitive person. Yet, my sensitivity to the external changes and my talent in writing have been continuously ignored and even ridiculed by my biological family. When they were not belittling me or taking advantage of me, they just ignored me. (I used the past tense because over the past few years I have managed to distance myself a little from them, to minimize the damage they might continue doing to me. So now it’s just getting a little better, or endurable, for me.)  I have been invisible and felt that I don’t belong to this family. My feelings have been numb. Being numb is the only way I can survive here…

View original post 1,414 more words

My Final Post On This Blog–Moving To Higher Ground Haven

Hi everyone!  It’s wonderful to be back here to talk to all of you again!  It’s been 6 months since I have written here and that was not my intention, and I apologize to anyone who has been waiting for more posts. The last 6 months have been an amazing ride and life has taken me through lots of amazing new opportunities!

I discovered my True Voice by writing this blog and although I still have a lot to say,  I find that now it’s time for a fresh, new, HIGHER perspective as I use what was learned from writing this blog as a solid foundation of emotional healing for moving upwards to Higher Ground.  “Higher Ground Haven” is the name of the new blog I started writing in my legal name while I was still using my pen name Elaine to write this one.  It was an exciting experiment to see if I could have a successful blog and coaching business just being myself with no pen name, and Uplifting others, and encouraging Highly compassionate souls to embrace their uniqueness and shine their lights to Higher Heights!

Well, this new blog turned out to be a wonderfully, successful venture and the facebook community associated with it (also called Higher Ground Haven) grew out of it’s success–it continues to thrive and blossom as many Highly sensitive, (AKA Highly intuitive) and Highly compassionate, creative souls find it to be a safe refuge for understanding the painful journey of overcoming childhood emotional wounds while also gaining inner strength and positive energy to go for their dreams!

My own dreams to share my original songs of hope and healing with the world were an example of a journey to overcome painful insecurities about my creative gifts.  After sharing on this blog how I was able to over-ride my inner critic and empower myself up and over many fears and feelings of shame that were deeply-rooted from childhood wounds, I began having the courage to pursue my music as a lucrative career!  I have shared on this blog the exciting steps through some health challenges to being able to record an album of my original songs and have them distributed worldwide and available on iTunes, Amazon, and CDBaby.com to mention a few.  It has been exciting to follow my heart and see what new opportunities manifested in front of me with the intention of helping people with my healing songs. You can refresh your memory (or read anew) about my New Beginning Journey here.

The next step to tell you about was how I began performing and overcame my deep performance anxiety after meeting another amazing local musician (Jeff) and his band one night last summer (2014) and having him invite me to his open mic nights at a local establishment in my city.  Soon I was friends with many other musicians who also were performing at these open mic nights and they were cheering me on.  Jeff and his wonderful family held my hand with encouraging words as I got over my deeply rooted irrational fear of performing alone in front of an audience.  It was terrifying the first time, but I was determined to do it anyway because I believed that these new people in my life were meant to help me and that meant this was all supposed to happen in some kind of a spiritual way!  I felt God was with me and angels were cheering me on each step of the way!  Sure enough getting the first time over with was the biggest, hardest hurdle–after that each week’s performances got easier and easier until I was easily singing alone and with Jeff and other amazing guitarists every week throughout the summer.  Meanwhile, that summer, I was also recording my songs and was finally ready to release my first 10 songs as my debut album entitled A New Beginning on September 30, 2014.  On October 1, 2014, I had an album release celebration where I performed about 12 songs including lots of my original songs.  With the support of my husband and children and my new musician friends in the audience, it was a thrilling, sort of out-of-body experience as I performed that night and I realized I had accomplished overcoming my fears in such a short time and now had an album released to boot! It was another “new beginning” for me–the name of the album I was releasing!

In order for me to have this success, there were some health challenges I had to go through to get there.  I want to share with you that part of what helped me succeed in overcoming my fear of singing was the amazing effects of new strength I felt in my diaphragm due to going to an Osteopath who specialized in cranial sacral and especially myofascial work.  This amazing woman (who was recommended by my amazing new doctor of integrative medicine), who had been been trained in energy work, , could tell by looking at me that my diaphragm was locked up in fear probably since childhood.  She explained that myofascial work could help to get my energy in my body flowing properly again. She told me that she has to refer many people to get emotional support while doing this process but that she could tell I had already done the inner work and that I was “ready”.   It took some time and a few treatments before I went to her excitedly and told her I felt the difference–I had woken up in the middle of the night a few days after my last treatment with her and I felt this fear sensation rise up to my consciousness and leave my body.  I know it sounds very woo-woo but I woke up with this feeling of fear and also with the clarity that I no longer have to be afraid of it and I am strong enough to let it go! And it went! I had an exhilaration in my heart and a new found ability to breath deeply and had more strength in my diaphragm to sing with more strength and passion. (I tested out my new lungs by singing in the shower that morning haha)  My singing was better and that helped so much with my confidence!  I also felt taller!–opening up my diaphragm helped me to stand taller and I could feel the difference with more confidence to stand with better posture much easier than before.  My chiropractor noticed the difference in my neck adjustments so much that she started referring some of her clients to this amazing woman.  I feel so lucky to have found her at exactly the right time in my life when I needed her and right before she is going to be retiring.  All this happening confirmed my belief that the universe will rise up to help you and bring the right people into your life when you get in alignment with your true self, express your true voice, and follow your true desires to shine your light to help others.

My new doctor also encouraged me to have the Endovenous Laser Therapy treatment (by a different Dr. ) for my varicose veins that I had been putting off for 10 years.  So on October 10, 2014 I had the first of 4 weekly surgeries where they inserted a laser into my main vein in my legs to fix the varicose veins that were hurting my circulation and causing some other problems.  Anyway, long story short, they used large doses of epinephrine and numbing agent in these surgical treatments (in order to call it outpatient)–and being highly sensitive and still having a fragile adrenal system evidently, this caused me to have exhaustion and low immune function for months following these procedures with a very slow recovery from more painful injections, brain fog, fatigue, and all resulting with an increase in adrenal problems.  After a lovely Christmas with my family and performing with my son and making a youtube video with him of a Christmas song I wrote, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3bRbWUQUyA  I ended up with a virus and struggled again to recover and get back to performing.  I was up and down struggling to get back to my pre-surgery energy with frustration and swollen glands that just kept coming back.  Now it is March and I have performed 2 times since Christmas due to this virus that effects the quality of my voice and overall stamina.  I am being patient, as I undergo I.V. therapies to rebuild the strength of my endocrine system and adrenal due to the large doses of epinephrine that wreaked havoc on my adrenal glands.  In spite of all the unexpected set backs to my health, I am still glad I had this procedure done!  My legs look and feel great now and I feel it will be worth it all in the end! I am sure I am going to recover fully and with more energy than ever to do all the things I want to do!

By the end of the 6 months away from blogging, and finally recovering with more energy and vitality, it became clear that moving to the newer blog that represents a new higher vision and moving on from where I shared some of my past inner grief work (and a lot of personal stories to help others) is the best new direction for me to express my True Voice.  It reflects my new higher creative energy and success:  I did it!–and you can do it too!  In addition to being a Life Coach for emotional healing, I am now a Singer-Songwriter and Performer!  I overcame my biggest fear and my most important desire in my heart–to be able to confidently sing my original songs which reflect my True Voice in front of an audience!

The road to true wholeness is an amazing one–just when you feel you are whole you realize there is more you can do, more you have to offer, more of yourself to heal yet more fun and satisfaction than you ever even dreamed for yourself–you find yourself moving HIGHER as a new staircase unfolds in front of you. I have learned to trust and flow with the moment and KNOW that I am a shining light of God’s love that is grounded in the earth (as we all are) and I am here to give hope and emotional healing to all who are open to it. I hope you will join me as I continue to blog at Higher Ground Haven.  If you followed me here please follow me there!  I look forward to seeing you at our new community of love and light and higher heights!

With warm welcoming wishes and gratefulness to all of you,

Roxanne

Announcing the iTunes release date of my debut album–“A New Beginning”

Hi everyone,

So much has been happening, I have been very busy finishing my first album and I have also been performing my songs and overcoming my performance anxiety with great success!  This is an exciting time for me and I wanted to share it with all of you so here is my announcement that I just put on my personal facebook page:

 

“I just announced the ITUNES release date of my debut album on my website and I am hoping you will check it out… For those of you who don’t know the story of how it came to be, here is a brief summary:

 

In 2004 I started writing songs and I called them my songs of hope and healing because the process of writing them was empowering me, expressing the hope I felt in my soul, and helping me to heal and find my “voice”. By 2010 I had written over 30 songs and shared the lyrics and my personal journey of healing in a blog that became successful because it struck a chord with many people. I started a life coaching business due to the success of this blog and people asking for my guidance in helping them find their inner strength and true voice as well.

 

People began telling me that my lyrics and songs were helping them–I kept writing songs and now have written over 50. Last summer I collaborated with local musician Wendell Ray to record them. He played the guitar on 28 of my songs that we recorded including some with him on harmonica and other added backing tracks. He produced my first 6 songs and then showed me how to record and produce the rest!

 

Also, with the encouragement of Wendell and my family, I started performing at his gigs—this was the beginning of me gaining confidence to perform alone and share my songs with the world. Overcoming the performance anxiety has been a thrilling and exciting part of this musical journey I am on and at one time I couldn’t imagine overcoming this deeply ingrained irrational fear. But with inner determination, God, and encouragement from others, I am now on the other side of it having fun performing: singing my songs, cover songs, and harmony with others; improving on the guitar every week; and writing and recording more songs!

 

So now with this first album, I feel I have found my true voice in yet another profound way and helping others is the most wonderful and important part of it all. The release of this album is symbolic of the achievement of a lifetime of hopes and dreams and that we can always create “new beginnings” for ourselves as we change and grow. These first 10 songs are about personal empowerment, believing in yourself and the inner spirit we all have inside, and overcoming doubts and fears we all face in life–you can do it!!

 

Thank you all for all of your support along the way and for sharing in this exciting time with me!! The release date is finally here! It is being first announced today on the home page of my music website–www.RoxanneSmithMusic.com. For more information about my musical story you can read my Bio that is on the home page as well.

 

With love, gratefulness, and warmest wishes to you all,

 

Roxanne”

 

A special note to all of my blog followers, you are the reason that all of this was able to happen.  I started sharing my story with you back in January 2010 and you all responded with your full support which gave me the encouragement to continue finding and expressing my true voice.  The are no words to express my gratefulness for your courage to follow my journey and to say “me too!” and I want to hear more!  I will be keeping you posted at each milestone in this process of the worldwide distribution of my songs of hope and healing and I hope to be writing more blog posts about emotional healing in the future.

Just remember, those of us with sensitive souls, we are “the lucky ones”–highly evolved souls here to learn to shine our light through the negativity around us and say to ourselves and others–You can do it!!  You are strong enough!!  You can have “A New Beginning” and follow your heart and soul that knows “everything is going to be all right!”

And so to all of you, I want to share the lyrics to this song that I wrote most recently this year:

“The Lucky One”

by Roxanne Elaine Smith

The lucky one is the only one who cries

The lucky one is the only one who sees

The lucky one is the only one who feels the truth

The lucky one is the only one who cries

 

What’s the reason for the bad dream

To watch a child fall?

It was a long way down

Such a long way down

Noone else could see the damage

The reason for the tears

The loss was so profound

The love made no sound

 

CHORUS: The lucky one is the only one who cries

The lucky one is the only one who sees

The lucky one is the only one who feels the truth

The lucky one is the only one who cries

 

Somehow coming through it all

The answer comes with joy

There is no end

Only lessons learned

To realize the love in every

Unmistaken fall

Is to trust that all

Hold onto what we earned

 

CHORUS: The lucky one is the only one who cries

The lucky one is the only one who sees

The lucky one is the only one who feels the truth

The lucky one is the only one who cries

 

BRIDGE:

Alone is this vision

To see the hope in the despair

Alone in this valley

While everyone’s in the air.

To be still and feel the beauty

In a painful plunge

Is to be real in this world

Where our flight has just begun

 

CHORUS:  The lucky one is the only one who cries

The lucky one is the only one who sees

The lucky one is the only one who feels the truth

The lucky one is the only one who cries

 

The lucky one is the only one who cries….

 

With love and light to you all and gratefulness from the depths of my soul,

Roxanne

 

 

The Passing of Robin Williams

I haven’t posted in a while and I ran across this wonderful post and felt moved to share it:

servingothersblog.com

imageThere is something about Robin’s passing that has really affected me, and I am struggling to understand what and why. I never knew him personally, yet somehow I felt that I did.

Perhaps it is the paradox that was Robin Williams: that behind his unique and exceptional comedy, there was such sadness and darkness. How could someone so funny and full of life be so tortured and in such pain?

As my blog friend Lorrie Beauchamp says below: “creative genius and mental anguish are two sides of the same coin.” This was especially, and tragically true of Robin.

The word “sadness” keeps coming up in much of what is being said and written about him. And for those he left behind, it is very sad. We will never enjoy him again. But it is not sad for him. He is no longer anguished or troubled or tortured. He is at…

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Introducing My Original Songs Now Available On Soundcloud.com

Hi everyone.  I just signed up for a Soundcloud.com account and shared my first original song there–it is from my album A New Beginning that is now in the works. Now the public can listen to my entire songs for free and I get feedback on which of my songs people like best. (I will be adding all the songs from my music website soon!) This first song is about emotional healing and I am also sharing it here (in it’s entirety this time) with you today.

Album Cover--A New Beginning

Writing this song helped me heal the “Hole In My Soul”–turns out the hole in my soul was about my music and now I no longer feel I have a hole in my soul!  😀 –writing this song healed a part of me and I hope it helps you heal as well. (For those of you not interested in the music aspect of this blog please be reassured I will also be continuing to post regular blog posts about emotional healing as well as reblogging posts from others that I find to be essential to sharing with this community.)

Here are the lyrics:

HOLE IN MY SOUL

By Roxanne Smith

There’s a hole

In my soul

In my soul

There’s a hole

But then there’s truth

Baby I’ve got proof

This hole is based on lies

God is on my side

And if I can I just believe in

The power of believing in my dreams

I can heal and come out

On the other side of all that seems…

To hold me back

Keeps me off the track

Makes me doubt

What I’m all about

But then there’s truth

Baby I’ve got proof

This doubt is based on lies

God is on my side

And if I can listen to that

spark inside my soul

I can power through the doubts

And I’ll emerge and I’ll be whole

And let the joy

Fill my heart

And lift me up

So I can heal… this… part…

Where…

There’s a hole

In my soul

In my soul

There’s a …hole.

Original Song © Roxanne Smith

Listen to the song here==>Hole In My Soul.  If you like it please click on the

Thanks everyone.  I have one more song to finish editing before my album A New Beginning is going to be sent to CDbaby.com so that I can get my songs on itunes and spotify.com (free music)– so I can reach an international audience with my healing songs!  My plan is to keep recording all 53 of the songs I have written (I wrote 3 more in 2014) and keep writing and recording more.Dream begins with dreamer…change the world

Here are the lyrics to one of these brand new songs which is yet to be recorded on a special compilation album of Songs For Healing The Inner Child. (I have been told my lyrics are like healing poetry for healing the deep emotional wounds of the soul–so I hope sharing these words are helpful to all of you that comprise this Hope and Healing Haven Blog Community.):

===================

Pain From the Past

January 15, 2014

Feelings coming up

From I don’t know where

I don’t want to feel it

But avoid it I don’t dare

========

CHORUS:  ‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see

Coming up to say hello to me

Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me

========

They say it gets easier

As the old layers heal

I can tell I am stronger

And I’m more grounded and real

But sometimes it’s thick and

It pulls me back down

To how I felt as a child

When love was not around

========

CHORUS:  It’s just pain from the past you see

Comin’ up to say hello to me

Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me

========

What happened back then

Can’t be made right

But I can love that little child in me

With all my might

I can protect her

And soothe her pain

I deserved love back then

And now I’m gonna make it rain

=======

BRIDGE:  Make it rain love love love

Coming down on me

Make it rain love love love

Until I’m free

Wash away all of the doubt

And the fear and shame

Until I’m a bright shining light again

To match my name

To match my name

To match my name

========

Repeat 1st verse:  Feelings comin up

From I don’t know where

I don’t want to feel it

But avoid it I don’t dare

==========

CHORUS:  ‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see

Comin’ up to say hello to me

Just keep it on movin until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me.

Let it move on through and away from me (slower to end)

Original Song © Roxanne Smith

I hope my sharing these lyrics is helpful to you.  If you’d like to support me in my musical endeavors, you can go to my music website www.RoxanneSmithMusic.com and download my songs as they come available for 99 cents each–all proceeds go to helping me record more healing songs to reach an international community of sensitive souls needing emotional support and healing. (Or your comments and facebook music fan page too. Thank you!

Sending all of you my warmest, deepest caring wishes as you continue on your emotional healing journey,

Roxanne

Procrastination Can Be A Sign Of A New Path Emerging–A Decluttered Future Awaits!

Hi everyone. I wrote this post exactly one year ago today on my other blog highergroundhaven.wordpress.com. The topic is very relevant right now so I wanted to share it with all of you.  With love and light, Roxanne

Higher Ground Haven

481678_10151469584314316_2045054624_n Hello everyone.  I hope you are coping well as we trudge through these last few weeks of winter.  Saying goodbye to the cold February weather was a boost for all of us here in the midwest USA and colder climate areas!  But this new wave of snow is making March harder than many of us anticipated I think.  For me, in addition to cabin fever,   procrastination of my very important goals became a problem.

I had struggled with procrastination in the past and discovered some useful ways to overcome it.  My methods worked once again so I thought I’d share them with you.  It is my hope that this post will resonate with highly compassionate intuitive souls (aka HSPs) who struggle with this because… we are more creative than most (too many fantastic ideas), we are more sensory-sensitive (overstimulated) than most (actually intuitively gifted :)), and we are even…

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Part 2 Of My New Beginning Journey–How 2013 AMAZINGLY Gave Me Wings To Fly in 2014.

PART 2:

Your time as a caterpillar...

Hi Everyone. So much has happened since my last post, I want to update you about all that has transpired. In fall of 2012, I was drawn to look for a new family doctor for myself and just for fun googled Highly Sensitive Doctor in Indianapolis haha.  What I found was not a doctor who called himself highly sensitive but a doctor with amazing reviews from patients who said he was highly sensitive to their needs.  I made an appointment even though I felt I was in pretty good health at the time and didn’t really have any dire need–I just wanted a doctor who would understand and support my quest for the best holistic and alternative health care I could find.

I had to wait 3 months to get in with him but it was worth it.  He listened to all of my theories on how I had healed my food allergies, chronic fatigue, candidiasis, adrenal fatigue issues through holistic means and an anti-inflammatory gluten-free diet. I also shared how I was feeling pretty good considering my age and the impending hormonal changes.  He was impressed rather than skeptical and I was thrilled at his response.  Still he ordered a pretty extensive blood test to be sure and I am so glad he did.  The results came back that I had low thyroid function and had to be put on thyroid medication immediately!

Changes look negative, new to emergeThe amazing thing to me is it turned out he was a specialist in knowledge about the thyroid–the exact best person to help me with this particular condition! And so gave me a prescription for Armour thyroid which is the best naturally derived medication and it’s hard to find an open-minded Dr. who will prescribe it.  Another amazing thing was I didn’t have symptoms until I was waiting for those blood test results and I suddenly gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks even though I was eating extremely healthy and watching carbs and calories.  It was quite shocking to see my body react this way but also to know that I had the perfect kind of care at the exact right time.

And another amazing thing that happened was that during my first visit with that doctor a large Bald Eagle flew past the window and the Dr. was shocked and said Oh my gosh did you just see that?–with that I looked out the window and saw this beautiful majestic bald eagle flying in the air. This was in a busy neighborhood inside the city limits!  I was thrilled that the doctor felt as I did that this was quite an amazing and beautiful sight and agreed with me that maybe it had  been a special “sign” that I was in the right place at the right time–all this on the first visit before I found out about the thyroid issue!I Know that was you God...

Now at this point I am feeling really blessed and cared for from up above to be guided to just the right doctor at just the right time.  But I also had big questions now.  Why had I gotten thyroid problems with all my healthy lifestyle habits?  Well this doctor’s thorough questionnaire I had filled out helped me to see that I was working too much and I was feeling stressed even though I loved what I was doing, I was feeling pretty drained a lot of the time.  This is when my coaching was at a peak with a waiting list of clients and I was really loving all the success my inner child healing practice was doing for others and it was very fulfilling helping others heal.

When I did some research about low thyroid I found out that it is in the throat chakra which has to do with creative self-expression and I immediately knew…  I hadn’t been singing.  All the songwriting had sort of stopped and I had been too busy with my coaching and I had stopped making time for my music. It was clear to me–I knew it deep inside–I am supposed to be singing and getting my then 40 (now over 50) original songs of hope and healing recorded and out to help others heal– as it was the songs that had helped me heal,  find my “voice”, and were the impetus to start the blogging and the coaching!  It had been the music that had started everything healing and moving forward to my vitality and inner peace and I realized I had neglected this important part of me.  So I cut back on my coaching and immediately felt better as I devoted time each week to resting, singing, and songwriting, and in May 2013 I started making professional recordings of my songs!follow your bliss, doors will open

At my second visit back with this doctor he gave me adrenal supplements and other vitamins saying it was the low adrenals affecting the thyroid and that he thought if I reduced stress and took care of myself I could gradually get off the thyroid medication.  And he was right!  I did it!  I worked on recording my songs all summer long and I also went to a new chiropractor who gave me Neuro-emotional Technique (NET) treatments each week.  By the end of summer I was completely off the thyroid medication!  And I still am!  Amazing!

Okay and there’s more amazing news.  That fall (2012) that I had just been put on thyroid medication I knew I wanted to do more singing but I wasn’t sure how I was going to move forward with it.  Well, one saturday night my husband and I decided to go to a little nearby bar that we had never been to before to listen to some live music.  And there was a young guy age 29 singing all of my favorite songs that I used to sing harmony to growing up and over the years. He was playing guitar and harmonica and was extremely talented but here he was in this little bar so I felt compelled to ask him if he’d be interested in helping me record my songs.  He said Yes!  He needed some extra money and I needed some professional help recording and guidance on how best to proceed with making an album.

Turns out that this guy turned out to be very professional indeed and the perfect guy to help me. Not only that, he slowly revealed to me as I got to know him, that he was very close to being signed with a music contract for his band with his original music, had met Clive Davis, had been flown to Hollywood several times, had opened for John Legend, and had many friends in the music business.  He is a songwriter too and he liked my songs and songwriting ability.  He liked my singing too but I had pretty bad stage fright to perform in public at that time and it was not even in my mind to attempt to overcome it–I was just planning to make an album, not perform.To live in fear…deny our dreams

But as our collaboration was working successfully, as my vocal coach he invited me to sing with him at his gigs so I could get used to performing!  At first it was one song, then 2, and by the end of the summer I was singing up to 8 songs with him at his gigs and had overcome my fear of performing on stage!  I got to sing harmony to my favorite songs from the Eagles, Bob Seger, John Mellencamp, Tom Petty etc., it was a dream come true!  And it was so much fun! (I have pictures of this on my music website).

The best part is he and I worked on my songs–we got 6 songs completely done, mixed, and produced by him, and he laid down the most beautiful guitar tracks for 22 more of my songs, and he taught me how to record and mix the rest of the songs by myself.  And with his encouragement I have been improving my own guitar playing skills as well so that I can start going to open mic nights while I record my songs.  And that’s what I am pursuing now!Words sing out

Wow, what a summer!  This fall and winter I have continued to write more songs and work on the albums and it is going really well!  I can’t wait to share my songs with all of you!  I have been working hard on this new music website and figuring out how to integrate all my work  so all my healing songs, coaching and blogging are easily accessible for those who will most find inspiration and healing from them.

Hole in my heartonly i can fillSo now I want to share with you a sample of an especially healing song from my new album A New Beginning that is one of my absolute favorites and I wrote it last summer. I hope you like it.  It’s call Hole In My Soul and here is a sample:  

I am very excited to announce that all 6 professionally recorded healing songs from my new album are now available for purchase with free samples of each song for you to listen to first!  You can buy downloads of the songs there on the website www.RoxanneSmithMusic.com–all proceeds will go to continuing my work to help others heal from childhood emotional pain.  It’s a great cause!  I highly recommend playing the songs especially in the morning each day as you get ready–it will change your mood for the day and has a healing effect.  Many people have told me this and I have experienced it myself with my own songs which I feel were somehow “given” to me from “above” when I wrote them–they healed something deep inside. Think of it as part of your extreme-self-care healing routine each day which is so important for us survivors of childhood trauma.  We need to do extra kind and comforting things for ourselves each day!  These songs were written for you!  Please try it and let me know how it works for you.  My second album, Songs of Hope and Healing will have the most deeply healing songs on it and it is in the works as soon as this first album is complete.  I will be releasing each song individually as it gets finished so keep checking back for more song releases.

Thank you for reading today and please like my facebook community page (if you like it) called Higher Ground Haven– I have now attached it to this blog so that our community can reach out and grow and connect in even more ways than before.  I look forward to your comments and to meeting and seeing you on facebook where I will be posting updates and information about healing childhood wounds, narcissistic parents, highly sensitive people (HSPs), unblocking your creativity, and how to go for your dreams, as well as videos of me and my music.  Remember, you can create the life you desire in your heart.  You are a shining light of compassion and love.  You deserve comfort, encouragement, compassion, and a community of safety and healing support that we all missed out on as children. I hope you find all of that here on my blog as your new Hope and Healing Haven. 😀You are important, you matter

Sending all of you much love and light and deep caring,

Roxanne

A New Beginning For This Blog As We Continue Healing Our Childhood Wounds

Sharing our story sets us free

Hi everyone. I have an announcement to make but first I want to thank all of you who have followed this blog and who have shared your stories and have felt part of this community of hope and healing. It was years ago in January 2010 that I started this blog and many of you have grown and evolved with me as we have shared and healed our childhood wounds together.  I want to fill you in on the details and the big changes ahead for this blog. Yes, it is time for some exciting new changes and the biggest one is that I want to reveal my real name and take ownership of this blog that I am so proud of.

I have been upfront since the first day of this blog saying on my About page that I was using a PEN name. Elaine D. Sanders. I chose this special name so that I could write uninhibitedly about my journey in emotional healing and so that I could help others who are struggling to find and express their true voice as well.  My pen name served me well and I have no regrets about being known as Elaine and proudly using this name for my life coaching business that came about because of the success of helping others through this blog.use your voice…brave…live life imagined

Now I am stepping fully into the light with my real legal name and claiming my story.  I feel and hope this will be very empowering for others who are healing from childhood wounds as well. It is with love and compassion and gratefulness in my heart that I share this information with you, my followers and readers, because I know you will understand and support this new venture of empowerment for all of us to step into our truth, and be unafraid to speak up with our true voice about our childhood experiences and our healing journeys. There is no shame in telling your story, nothing to fear when you speak up for yourself about times you felt diminished and unloved as a child.  Telling the truth and coming out of hiding is the right thing to do and doing so will support others to do the same.

My middle name really is Elaine.  I love the name and when I first decided to start this blog I was proud to find out that the meaning of the name Elaine is “shining light”.  My legal first name is Roxanne and I was thrilled to find out the meaning of Roxanne is “dawn”–light of a new day-a new beginning. Right now I am gradually changing all posts and comments from Elaine to Roxanne.  It will take a while to complete the change and until then I hope all will be understood. Being yourself…is easier

Some might ask, with the great success of this blog why not stay Elaine?  Well, about a year and a half ago, I wanted my grown children and husband to be able to tell of my new successful career as a life coach and singer/songwriter without having to tell a long story of why I had a pen name. Also, I wanted to start a home community life coaching business and I also wanted to be close to my family (and also to this new support network) through facebook.  So I started a home community life coaching website, a new blog with more songs, a personal facebook page and community facebook page in my legal name that I go by on a daily basis with close friends, my husband and kids. Through this experiment I eventually realized I now felt uninhibited to talk about inner child healing and my own healing journey with great confidence– I was able to do both and go back and forth to both blogs and websites with ease for quite a while.  I gradually saw how I was dividing myself and my energies.  Recently it came clear how I could integrate everything to my legal name and that this would be very empowering for all for me to do this. My energies of late had been mostly with my new creative ventures in my world as myself, Roxanne E. Smith.  I am now ready to come out on this blog and say this is who I am, this is what I experienced, and this is how I recovered, and I want to be a role model to help others to come out and express their true voice as well.Owning our story…brave..our light

Upon beginning to write about my past, I had no idea that this blog would be so helpful to others as it has become.  My intention was and is to help and support others by sharing my experience and journey of emotional healing.  I have no resentment, anger, or bitterness towards any people from my past. I do not carry any hard feelings towards them and I wish them only peace and love.  I believe I may have chosen everything that happened to me because I knew my soul was strong enough to recover so that I could help others.  I am now grateful for everything that has ever happened to me for now I am on this path of enlightenment and helping others see their beautiful shining light within that is underneath the layers of pain and self-doubt. I believe helping souls to break through to their true essence is my true purpose in life.  I have come to a place where I know that the absence of light experienced as children is because parents and caregivers of children may have had atrocities and abuses from their own childhood that may have caused a complete separation from their own light.  We absorbed all that darkness as  highly sensitive gifted children but now, after emotional healing, we can now give that light back to ourselves — as for myself, it was only through much inner grief work that I recovered and this is what I now help others through my work–through blogging, life coaching, and through sharing my healing songs and their lyrics.

The truth will set us freeI shared my honest feelings on this blog because this was my experience and it was this candidness that most helped people relate their own feelings and stories and heal on a deep level. Many of my songs continue to reflect the painful journey to wholeness and joy from a childhood of feeling lost–I feel it was through the gift of music and creative song writing that I was able to heal and express my voice and this self expression continues to heal me as well as others.  I have continued to write and record more healing songs recently and this is the project that has kept me busy this past year.follow fire in heart…passion is your purpose

I have a new music website for my newly created and professionally recorded Album–A New Beginning!  I am excited to share with you my songs which are my new passion and focus as of right now and my album of 10 professionally recorded songs is now available for download and also on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, and many other sites worldwide.

Other changes on this blog and my websites include the adding of a link to my facebook community page called Higher Ground Haven. So please check it out by finding it on the right side of the page and clicking on the name of it–you don’t have to be on facebook to enjoy it–it is open to the public and will just be another means of support for this community.  Sometimes in winds…. find our direction

There will be a new name for this blog–it is being changed from Hope and Healing with Elaine to Hope and Healing Haven.  I hope you like it and will remember it easily.  I think it is a great fit!  The domain name is going back to hopehealing.wordpress.com. Elainedsanders.com will no longer be.  I won’t be taking new clients for an indefinite period of time because my singing/songwriting career is taking center stage in my life right now and I will be sharing my song lyrics which are self-help poetry put to music as I embark on this new career.

I hope that you will enjoy embarking with me on this NEW BEGINNING journey.  My song A NEW BEGINNING has new meaning now as it has been rerecorded professionally and is the perfect tribute to this new phase of this Hope and Healing Blog that I hope will continue to be a Haven for all souls seeking healing from their childhood wounds and empowerment to find their true voice and true self.like the End of world is a new beginning Please enjoy listening to a sample of A New Beginning below:  press > play to hear Another song I’d like to share is called “I’m All Right”–you can listen to a sample of it below:

My new music website is finished and it is ready to share with you, you may visit it here: RoxanneSmithMusic.com. 10 professionally recorded healing songs from my new album are now finalized and available for purchase with free samples of each song for you to listen to first!  You can buy downloads of the songs there on the website–all proceeds will go to continuing my work to help others heal from childhood emotional pain.  It’s a great cause!  I highly recommend playing the songs especially in the morning each day as you get ready–it will change your mood for the day and has a healing effect. Think of it as part of your extreme-self-care healing routine each day which is so important for highly sensitive survivors.  We need to do extra kind things for ourselves each day!  Please try it and let me know how it works for you–I welcome the testimonials!

Thank you for reading today.  I am excited to re-connect with all of you survivors who are searching for emotional guidance and a safe place to feel connected and to heal from the past.  This is a wonderful community to be a part of and I feel truly blessed and grateful. Welcome To Hope and Healing Haven!

With love, blessings, and warmest caring wishes,

Roxanne

(Read the following comments from the bottom up)

 

Roxanne hopehealing.wordpress.com truevoicelifecoach@ymail.com 162.201.38.186
Submitted on 2014/02/11 at 12:59 pm | In reply to Judy.

Thank you so much, Judy! That’s wonderful that you will be joining me! You are an important part of this community and I appreciate your support and participation as we journey ahead! With love and light, Roxanne

Judy theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com pbnjudy@1791.com 70.162.0.48
Submitted on 2014/02/10 at 2:26 pm

Congratulations. I’m looking forward to step onto this new path with you.

Roxanne hopehealing.wordpress.com truevoicelifecoach@ymail.com 162.201.38.186
Submitted on 2014/02/09 at 4:58 pm | In reply to Alec.

Hi Alec! Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! Yes, I’ve got new wings to fly higher!–I hope it is “uplifting” for all! Stay tuned for my next post in 2 days–it’s about my “amazing” past year.

Alec alec.zander@gmail.com 84.103.182.3
Submitted on 2014/02/09 at 8:32 am

This a great step! Well done! You are flying on an amazing trajectory!

==============================================

Here is an edited version of the original “About Me” when I was using a pen name, written in December 2009 and used through February 2014 (the original was changed a few times over the years ):

Hello and Welcome!  Elaine is a name that has special significance to me and I have chosen this Pen name because it will make it easier to be completely honest and uninhibited in all my writing. My wonderful supportive husband and I have both had many childhood wounds to heal and overcome and we have made a new wonderful life and have raised two amazing children.

I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Child and Family Services with emphasis in humanistic counseling psychology, sociology,  family dynamics, and child development.  There was nothing more important to me than raising children with high self-esteem and to be emotionally healthy, and breaking the cycle of emotional repression that has been passed down for generations through our extended families.  Our children are in college and beyond now, adjusting well to all of life’s demands, and my husband and I couldn’t be prouder of them, not just because of their accomplishments and achievements but because of the relationships we have with them and the caring, loving people they have become.  We are supportive and encouraging of whatever they choose to do with their lives and we are there for them to listen to their feelings and they in turn are supportive and encouraging to us and grateful and loving human beings.

I have discovered many things along the way to building a healthy family and finding my true purpose in life.  I have discovered I am an INFJ, an empath, a highly sensitive person, an avid journaler, writer of self-help poetry, and a singer/songwriter writing many songs–including my songs of hope and healing.  These songs were written mostly to help myself through the pain from my many childhood wounds and the ups and downs of life. Most of all, I have discovered the depth of my skills as an Empathic Life Coach.  With this, I have discovered my true purpose in life-all my skills of writing and singing and songwriting have been catalysts in helping me express and find my true voice–to realize that my true purpose is empowering other highly sensitive souls to heal from their wounds from childhood and become the person they are meant to be.

I feel it as a privilege for me to provide comfort and support to any soul who is in emotional pain and to let them know there is hope and someone out there who understands. With the help of this website,  it is my hope to validate, inspire, and give hope to people through my writing,  my music, and my availability to you as an Empathic Life Coach.   So often a person just needs a companion to listen–someone to validate the complex and confusing painful feelings that come up when childhood wounds are triggered and then keep us from moving forward to become our true selves.  Our blog community strives to be an “enlightened witness”  for any person who needs to be heard about childhood wounds or if you have no family members or friends who understand you.  Please check out the comment sections of each post which contain lots of guidance and sharing of experiences. We understand and we care. Welcome to our community!

With love,

Roxanne

NOW Is A Good Time… For Emotional Healing

Hi everyone!  Now that it’s Spring, the warmth is finally here in the midwestern part of the USA!  Yay!!  I feel happier when the temperatures are warmer and I can get outside and enjoy nature and recharge.  As a HSP healing from childhood wounds, I am still figuring out what makes me happiest and what I “like” most in life–right now I like thinking about some day moving to a warmer climate during the winter months!  😉

As HSP children, your “job” may have been to often to take care of your own parents’ feelings so you didn’t dare even ask yourself “What do I want?, How do I feel?, and What are my dreams and desires?  Perhaps it can be  “fun” now to “create” a life for yourself that is purely satisfying to “you”.  This is not being selfish for HSPs who have spent their lives putting others’ feelings and happiness first.  This is realizing your feelings and desires are meant to be your “compass” for finding direction and satisfaction in your life!

Even after all of your recovery and replacing a negative inner critic with a very consistent feeling of love and protection for yourself and you inner child, do you still sometimes wake up with a feeling of shame that surprises you?  It may usually happen after a day when you really asserted your voice and followed your heart (I have written about this before). Try to see that as evidence of how your shining light as a child may have been a threat to a narcissistic or bullying  caretakers and they had to bring you “down”.  “Get off of your high horse!”, “Who do you think you are!?”, “How dare you be happy when I am not happy!?”,  and “Straighten up and fly right!”–Were these phrases (spoken or implied silently with mean looks (angry eyes)) ones that come to mind that were a daily occurrence to shame and control you as a child?

Now that you may be working on changing the core beliefs about yourself, it is also helpful to reframe all those events with how you would have voiced your opposition if you had felt safe and knew you were loved and supported by the Universe.  Talking back to the inner critic is acknowledging it is there and then saying what you need to say to yourself to be an emotionally healthy soul–say, “I like being on my high horse!–it is good to feel proud of myself!”, “I think I am an amazing and gifted person!”, “Everyone is free to pursue their own happiness–it’s in the Constitution!”, and “Your right way and my right way are 2 different things!”  If you had felt safe and strong as a child and had been able to say these things in your childhood without being shamed and punished, then your true self would have survived and you would not have had to push your feelings underground and develop a false self that was fearful and obedient.  You can say it NOW and reclaim your strength that it didn’t feel safe for you to have. It is very healing to your wounded soul when you express the truth about yourself, either silently, out loud, or in a journal–express your true voice!

Just realizing you have an inner critic that stops you from enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself is the first step–writing out all the mixed messages swimming around your brain and getting them on paper in a journal will help you to realize that your inner critic has taken over.  I no longer have to journal to realize when I am listening to my inner critic–I recognize the negative feeling right away, acknowledge it, and say to myself  “that is ridiculous and that is not true about me!”

The real truth is I am a shining light of God’s love and I am perfect just the way I am!  You are perfect just the way you are too! There is nothing wrong with you!  You just have self-doubt– “doubt” just means questioning the truth–the truth is there but it takes courage to Believe It!  Believe it because it is true–you are perfect exactly as you are NOW in this moment!  And you deserve the LOVE, COMFORT, COMPASSION, and ENCOURAGEMENT that you never got during childhood.  You can learn to give it to yourself!

For myself, any shame feeling I get in the morning goes away immediately as I shoo it away and replace it with love for myself and with my new core beliefs: “This shame is not mine and not true and I have nothing to be ashamed of!”  Poof!  Gone! I also say, “Wow, I must have done something amazing and authentically me yesterday, I am on the right path!”  Then I can’t wait to get up and enjoy my day, my way!  I love my life and I am grateful that I am free to enjoy it now.

I feel my true purpose is to help others who are struggling to love themselves because of these very complex, negative messages that were engrained in their brains since early childhood.  It is not easy but growing new loving neural pathways in your brain is possible and I am living proof.  I hope that by my example I can help those of you struggling, suffering, and occasionally falling into pits of despair to climb out and break free from the negative energy “soup” that can engulf the soul of an emotionally needy HSP.  It takes time so please be patient with yourself if you fall backwards sometimes.

The key is to keep on feeling the feelings and comforting yourself through them–it is a grieving process.  You will come out the other side–to truth, light, and a connection to the Universe that no one can ever take away from you–it is innate in you and as a HSP you are a loved and highly evolved soul with compassion and light for others as your greatest gift.  You are going to be okay if you allow yourself to believe these things NOW–start today.  I am here, I understand–I have been lost, and now I am found.  NOW is the time to begin to love yourself without shame. You can do it!  This blog post was written for YOU!

After a weekend visit with our grown son who lives in Chicago, I felt energized, so energized that I wrote a new poem–even though I am a pretty extreme introvert and we had a very extraversion-filled weekend.  I was energized because of the quality of the relationship we have with our son and we all so enjoyed each others company and enjoyed being positive, building each other up, expressing our love and appreciation for each other, and having fun together.  So when we returned I was standing in my kitchen and had to grab paper and a pen because I felt this poem just had to be expressed.  I just let it flow out of me and when I was done I realized I was still “standing up” in my kitchen! (leaning against the counter 🙂 )  I am so glad I listened to that still small voice in my head that said to write this down.  Here is the poem that flowed out of me that cold, winter, sunday evening after our trip:

NOW Is A Good Time

By Roxanne Smith

Feb. 18, 2013

NOW’s a good time to nurture yourself and your feelings

To release the past and all painful dealings.

The pain’s coming up NOW so you’ll see the truth

of how you weren’t seen and loved in your youth.

The child inside, he or she yearns to be free.

The pain is just blocking your feelings of glee.

Joy and great gladness are all waiting there.

Waiting until you feel the truth and despair.

What happened to you was awful and sick

The pain you repressed was unbearable and thick.

You were too small and dependent back then

but now you are safe so the wounds can open

and your soul wants to heal these wounds from within.

You cannot move higher until you tell the truth of your kin.

How they poked you and pulled you down each time you succeeded

’til you gave up and blamed yourself… but they weren’t what you needed.

You were a bright star with a higher energy.

They were jealous and threatened by your desire to be free.

So you hid your true self until a much safer time–

It’s safe NOW so your soul is crying out as a sign

to be kind to your inner child who is coming out—please allow!

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad NOW.

Because you’re rising up from patterns ingrained in your head.

New ways of being are in your soul, time to shed

all the old pain, it must be felt to be released.

It is gone forever once you see the danger has ceased.

The danger was real then, don’t ever forget it

but now you choose new friends who are not like your inner critic.

You are learning your true self is a compassionate soul

who is kind to others and that is your role.

So being kind to your self is the very first step.

All day everyday you must give yourself pep!

Don’t listen to your inner critic—it is wrong and so mean

like those who abused you and weren’t nice as they seem.

You deserved better and NOW you must give it to your soul.

The more you are kind, the more you’ll feel Whole!

Each layer of pain will dissolve as you express

all of your confusion and unhappiness.

How could this be… you thought: “I was bad and wrong”

but really blaming “YOU” was unfair all along.

You were a bright light never harming a flea–

so easy to control because you trusted completely.

I hope you can see that you can reframe your past.

Replace those mean moments with self-love that will last.

Accepting Love from Above will change your beliefs about your core.

Who you are YOU must love so your dreams can then soar!

You are gifted and brilliant, a gift to us all.

You are treasured by those others who also feel this call.

The call’s mixed with pain and feeling bad about your childhood.

When you change your beliefs you will see your soul’s all Good!

Then you can reconnect with your self and find creativity and fun.

You’ll learn to relax and recharge from the sun.

Learn to listen to your body instead of working too hard.

You’ll get lots more done when you “play” in your yard.

Allowing yourself to enjoy being you

will slow you down and allow the pain to come through.

After a good cry, each time you’ll feel better–

lighter and lighter ‘til you’re light as a feather.

And allowing yourself to have space that is yours—

new boundaries to protect yourself will help open doors.

You must learn to feel grounded and connected to the earth.

This will help you feel solid and put yourself first.

You deserve to be happy and that starts with self-care.

After you are grounded, then you will become aware

that lifting up others is your gift and your purpose

and there’s a billion others out there who are not just kind on the surface.

They are deep and compassionate—you are not alone.

We are healing together as we feel grace and atone.

We did our best with all that we have known.

NOW we know it’s okay to be angry, then let it go.

Don’t hold onto blame, but blame needs to be spoken.

Release it and move on—don’t yell at the broken.

You are higher than they are (those who brought you down).

You don’t need to punish—you can just leave town

to start a new life and create all that your dreams can arrange.

Move forward… not fixing those who don’t want to change.

Trust these new feelings that spark in your heart.

Healing is painful but that’s only part.

This feeling’s inside that you’re finally alive!

Keep going with following your passions inside.

Don’t compare yourself to others—you have a new gig!

Let desires be your guide and your success will be BIG.

If you do this and trust your intuition inside

your internal guidance will help you to thrive.

Sometimes you’ll get stuck so you’ll need to be kind

to yourself when you inner critic starts messing with you mind.

Drop down to your heart instead of your head.

If you need to cry about something that was said,

grieve for this loss, the wrong path where you were led.

It hurt you so much, childhood pain must be shed

so we can see, that NOW we’re safe and free

And we would have parented differently!

And that’s good you are different and unique and that’s great!

I hope you can see that it’s never too late.

We often must go backward to move forward to be free.

You can heal and find wholeness—take it from me!

I found here a community of souls who relate–

I share how I healed and how sensitivity is great!

By journaling out the pain, I had new eyes to see.

My true voice was found, then my true self was free!

I know it sounds simple but it took a long time.

Try to trust in your feelings, then all will be fine.

As I followed my pain I got signs from above:

“relax and enjoy” and best “You are loved!”

I know of your pain– I know just how you feel.

It happened to me and I learned how to heal

So NOW as you journey from wounded to whole

I hope that these words will comfort your soul.

=============================

Please share your feelings in a comment if this post resonates with you.  Your comments also help others who are still struggling to find their voice.  We can help uplift each other higher as a community of compassionate souls.  Thank you for reading.  Have a wonderful Spring–may the warmth of the Universe envelope you and comfort you NOW as you heal and grow to your true potential.

With love, light, and my deepest compassion,

Roxanne

HSP Tips for the Holidays and the Benefits of the 2 Kinds of Crying

Hello everyone!  I hope you are doing well and taking good care of yourselves.  Today as I am writing this the first big snowflakes of the season are falling here in the midwestern United States.  Yes, it is that time of year again.  How did it go so fast yet again?!  It is good to constantly remind ourselves that, as highly sensitive souls, we must strive for balance in our lives by adding in some time alone to recharge and for some creative self-expression as we set out to accomplish the many tasks that accompany this busy holiday season that is quickly approaching.  Express your creativity in ways you used to love to do as a child but haven’t found time for lately–the activities we loved as children (like singing, writing, art, or dancing) are often our true desires–taking just a little time daily for this artistic self-expression will give you new found energy, rejuvenation, and a satisfying sense of accomplishment.  Also, remind yourself to check your heart rate occasionally on busy days and breathe deeply and slowly to slow yourself down.  Cortisol, the stress hormone, is harmful to our bodies when it is called upon too frequently so we need to learn relaxation techniques to take care of our adrenals.  Laying down for 20 minutes with eyes closed (with just the intention of slowing your heart rate and following your breathing as you try to make it slower and slower) does wonders when you are feeling anxious and starting to spiral with negative thoughts.  Positive self-talk and affirmations are important as well such as: “There is plenty of time for all the things I want to do”, and “I love and approve of myself”, and “I give myself permission to be the best that I can be”.

These are good reminders that Christmas is about Love. Love is the opposite of fear and can heal it.  You can love yourself out of these fear-based anxieties that originated in a childhood that did not provide a safe place to be yourself. Also since you may have had to numb ourself out to survive as children, you may have learned not to pay attention to your bodies urges to tell you what it needs.  For example, “thirst” can be something that you learned not to feel and so your bodies are very dehydrated without your realizing it.  You”ll be amazed how much better you feel when you start making yourself drink more water on a daily basis.  I drink 32 ounces in the first 4 hours I am awake in the morning–the rest of the day always goes so much better when we start our day really hydrated.  Try it and see!  And make sure to drink at least 64 ounces a day and even more on days you have extra stress.  And if you are trying hard to “hold it together” in spite of the stressful feelings that the holidays can trigger, try a different approach–let it all out and have a good cry!  Crying is good for you and studies show that emotional tears have higher levels of toxins that are released than in regular tear production.

I want to talk more about the benefits of crying because society has such a stigma against it.  How often have you heard on a media outlet about a public figure or celebrity seen crying and then heard it referred to negatively as a “breakdown” which is ridiculous.  A break “through” is a better term.  The urge to cry is just truth that is coming up to be healed (comforted and released).  Think of it symbolically as light breaking through the clouds, and someone finally “seeing the light”.  I like to think about the song “I Can See Clearly Now” as if the writer of that song just had a good cry and a period of healing and now feels better and has healed a wound from childhood that was blocking him from functioning at his best.  He is now en”light”ened!  I also like to think of the description by a pilot right before breaking the speed of sound–he describes that, “the cockpit shakes the most right before” and then it is smooth sailing once he breaks through. If we resist our bad feelings and suppress them we may never know what aha moment or lesson we could learn–we must trust that our feelings are trying to teach us something.

More of my views on the benefits of crying are demonstrated in my reply to a highly sensitive and gifted commenter names Elisabeth who was concerned about how emotional she feels and how often she cried.  I hope it is helpful to all of you HSPs out there who can relate to how she felt.  Here is the interaction that transpired in the comment section of one of my pages on this blog:

Elisabeth

Submitted on 2012/06/02 at 2:04 pm

Hello Roxanne,
I can honestly tell you i feel God directed me to find this site! On behalf of every person who has benefited from your choice to help people, thank you so much! I honestly felt something was wrong with me all my life. I am highly sensitive, emotional, and very hard on myself. I was actually going thru one of my attempts to “figure out” what it is that makes me the person i am, I have never been able to pin point exactly what was, all i knew is that normal people do not feel such intense emotions , I am highly empathetic, and can practically feel what others feel, even before they feel it themselves. All my life i have thought of it as a curse, I am great with people, and feel like God gave me the gift of encouragement, yet the one person i could never figure out or help was the person staring back at me in the mirror. upon reading your “About Me” section, it was as though everything you discribed was everything i have been dealing with all my life! I dont know why, but I could never pinpoint exactly what caused me to be like this, only within the past couple of months i came to the realization that it had to do with my mother and not being shown love as a child. Ive stopped trying to get others to understand, because to them it is ridiculous, unless you have truly been hurt in that way, you would never understand the extent of the damage it can have on a persons soul, especially a shy little girl. All my life I feel like I have in a way punished myself for not being good enough, and literally crippled my own personal growth and prevented myself from becoming better because in a weird way i felt i didnt derserve it. What hurts most is reaching out (to my husband, my mom, sisters, brothers etc.) and trying to explain how I feel, and being rejected, ridiculed or as my husband would say “stop feeling sorry for yourself, and take control of yourself”. to me, being put down and rejected by ppl who are supposed to love me unconditionally, especially when it took so much out of me to come out and say it, its like taking a knive and slowly puting it thru my heart.
Also, I am a Christian, but upon trying to learn more about who i am, I turned to horoscopes, because it was the best thing I could find to accurately discribe who i am. Im not sure if you know about them, but i am a pisces girl with a cancer moon. (in case you dont know, that s a double whammy. Pisces and cancer are both the most emotional signs. =(((((((((((
In conclusion, I guess my question to you is how can I get past what I went thru as a child and grow from it? It has put a huge strain on my marriage, and even my husband has tried to understand me, but it just feels like my words are not getting thru to him.
Thank you again so much for your time! May God bless you generously for what you do and all the lives you have impacted!!

p.s. Is it normal for a person like me to not be able to talk about anything emotional without crying? Just within this past year I can not say how i really feel without bursting into tears, and then starts the process of telling myself that its stupid to cry over it etc etc.. :(

Much Love,
Elisabeth (from Sacramento, CA)


Roxanne

Submitted on 2012/06/05 at 2:42 pm | In reply to Elisabeth

Hi Elisabeth,

Thank you for your wonderful, thoughtful and wise comment. I agree with everything you say here. I wish I had time to respond in depth to everyone’s comments–I am so happy to know this blog is helping so many. Thank you ALL for all the wonderful comments!

I just want to mention a few things: why the sad((( face for being the most emotional signs–I don’t know anything about horoscopes but sounds like you are emotionally “gifted” :D !!!. Our families of origin (and our society too) instill in us this shame about our emotions–it is not true!! It is wonderful to be emotional–our emotions are meant to be our “compass” for finding happiness in our lives! You can learn how to have boundaries to keep out the negative emotions from others and tap into the positive emotions that are innate in you. Learning to love yourself is key and processing your pain from the past includes grieving about the love and acceptance you never got for having this emotional gift. Crying is necessary to tell your truth about how you have been treated.

It is normal to cry if you feel the need–sounds like you have a good reason to cry. It spills out at inopportune times because we are holding it in so often. Having a good cry from time to time is so healthy and recharging! Also, often survivors like us cry when we are misunderstood and don’t feel “heard” when we are actually “angry”–but we were punished for expressing our true assertive positive selves when we were tiny children and so we learned to repress it–they were threatened by our positivity and truthfulness! So it is kind of a post traumatic stress response. It is not stupid in any way to cry–crying is positive and healing when it is grieving about how you were mistreated in the past. Crying releases a truth that needs to be told!

There are 2 kinds of crying (…or more):

1)“Grieving” is the healthy releasing of the truth of your injustices and it is cleansing to release your truth–try to catch what you are learning as you cry and write it in a “journal for your eyes only.” Crying has lead to the writing of my best songs–there is always hope at the end and you feel a release and a new inner strength.

2)“Despairing” is a kind of crying that can be destructive if it is habitual because while doing it you are being very mean to yourself and beating yourself up (negative spiraling) the same way your abusers did.  Survivors often need to release and admit these despairing feelings at first which are still repressed from childhood–upon realizing how bad you must have been treated to be a child in such horrible despair, your innate compassion kicks in and you begin to love yourself a little more each time–releasing layer by painful layer of truth is how we heal.

Learning that HSPs with childhood wounds must stop the habit of despairing and turn it into grieving (and be very very kind and gentle to themselves when they are sad and build themselves up instead of continue the abuse of themselves that started as tiny children) will change their lives. I hope you will continue to read more of my blog because I talk about the importance of grieving  losses from childhood quite a bit. Elisabeth, by crying you have bravely started the process of emotional healing–you are on your way to finding out how special and gifted you are and have always been! I hope this has been helpful to you.

With love and light to you and all, Roxanne

ABOUT ME

For a link on more of the benefits of crying see the following article by Dr. Judy Orloff:  The Health Benefit Of Tears.
To all of my wonderful readers, I appreciate you so much!  This Holiday season may all of you open yourselves to receive God’s (The Universe’s) unconditional love and light that shines upon you at all times–and to know that God (The Universe) has bestowed upon you the gift of compassion for the feelings of others.  Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to cry, and “shine your light” upon yourself and others and you will heal!
With love and my warmest holiday wishes to all of you,
Roxanne

The Hope and Healing of HSPs With Narcissistic Parents: The Story of Belinda

Hello everyone!  Today’s post is a compilation of all the comments between Belinda and myself.  Belinda is the name used by a commenter and follower of my blog who reached out for assistance when her attempts to create healthy boundaries for herself were followed by aggressive and fear-inducing actions by her parents in order to control her.  Her comments were spread throughout different posts so, with her permission, I decided to put them all on one page so all of you can benefit from her open and honest sharing as she persevered with much inner strength through the backlash of going no contact with her narcissistic parents.  (There are comment replies to Belinda from 2 other blog friends which I did not include here–you can click on the post at the side if you wish to find and read all the related comments from others too.)   I hope you find inspiration and hope in all that transpired in the following interactions:

Belinda
Submitted on 2011/05/06 at 2:14 am

Mother’s Day weekend is fast approaching and today I have made the final step in walking away from my narcissistic mother. I have asked my father for no contact from both of them. It is so ironic that it happened today. I was in the midst of contemplating how to handle mothers day. I did not want to send her a card, but knew the guilt I would face if I did not. I feel relief which only goes to show me that the decision is right even though it was so hard. Your story is helping me tonight. I know I have a long way to go but it has to get better from here. Thank you again and God Bless!!

Roxanne

Submitted on 2011/05/10 at 12:55 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Belinda, Thank you for your comment. So glad you are able to feel the relief in your decision to put yourself and your healing first. Yes, it is not easy, especially around mother’s day–I am so glad my story is helping you to find your voice and your truth. Your feelings matter! God Bless you as well. With love and light, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Hello everybody,

I am entering my second month of no contact with my family. I am currently feeling better as far as less stress and anxiety. I am slowing down and trying to be patient with myself. However, as far as anything else I am still in a state of shock. I know I have been verbally abused by my parents but I find myself constantly researching narcissism. It seems I am needing to constantly remind myself that I’ve been abused and I am trying to validate it to myself. It’s like I am doing a research project for someone else until I look in the mirror and realize I am researching about ME!! My whole life I felt like I was watching what was going on in the world but not really being a part of it. I have forgotten who I am, or better yet I never had the opportunity to get to know myself. I am trying to learn about myself and at the same time trying to heal my broken spirit and at the same time trying understand and at the same time trying to not call my family. Phew!! That’s how I feel. I break down in tears often from these overwhelming feelings

I never really explained to my parents that I no longer want to contact them ever again. It sort of fell in my lap. The last conversation I had with my dad, he suggested that they not call me and I said that would be best. So, I am assuming they are waiting for me to call. That leaves the ball in my court and the pressure of that is almost too much to take. I want to email them and tell them the no contact rules because I actually fear them trying to call me or see me. I am not strong enough right now to fight for my right for space but I know I desperately need it. I try to spend my time keeping my mind busy. That is what is making this the most difficult. My own mind. It is constantly thinking about everything. I have to work at staying focused on the here and now. Having my husband and little girl around always seems to help but it seems like a temporary fix. When alone, my mind takes over. I have been going to therapy for 2 months but there is little change in my spirit. there is much change in my surroundings, though so I guess it is a good start. I must have a long way to go. I sum it up this way…the knowledge of knowing is not enough to heal the spirit!!! I have the knowledge but where do I go from here?

I find myself trying to find someone else to fill the void that I have. The desire of approval from others and trying so hard to please seems to get in the way of making friends. People see that I am trying too hard. I expect too much out of other people such as a neighbor that has become my friend. The problem with that is she does not understand where I am coming from so in trying to discuss my current situation I end up receiving advice I know is not right for me. She does not know my family so I know that she had the best intentions but the words wound me. I know it’s not the right way to be. I need to learn to rely on myself and validate my own feelings. That was the biggest abues to me. My feelings were never validated. EVER!!! I am constantly searching for approval. I started a journal a few days ago, hopefully, it will help in my healing. I am learning slowly through trial and error. Thank you so much for this website. It gives me a voice.

Belinda

Roxanne
Submitted on 2011/05/26 at 9:05 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Thank you for your comment. You so eloquently expressed what many highly sensitive people are going through when they first go no contact. Wow. So well said! You will help many others who feel the same but are not ready to leave comments. The pressure you feel to call them is guilt that they induced in you and that you internalized since you were a little child. It may help you to get in touch with some of your anger at having been so controlled and manipulated as a child. Journal out your feelings, all of them, including how angry you must have felt as a child but you were not allowed to feel it or express it then. But now you are safe and you can let it out. Releasing your truth will heal your spirit. When you connect with your true self and have compassion for the child inside of you that suffered, you will feel less needy for other peoples approval. It takes time to heal all the layers so be patient with yourself. You are stronger than you know. Thank you for the kinds words about my website. If you would like me to give you ISO’s email address just drop me an email and I will email her to get her permission as well. with Love and Light, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/05/27 at 3:36 am

Iso and Roxanne,

Thank you both for keeping in touch. I feel relief of anguish with every word you say. Roxanne, I think it would be great to get in touch with ISO. I feel like we have such similar sithations that exchanging email addresses would be a good idea. I will continue writing about my journey here b/c Something good must come out of my struggles. I’ll be honest, good things for me have already begun to happen, but I want someone else to learn from this. Something positive has to come out of this experience!!! Just like the last Oprah show, I related so much to what she was saying. Everyone in this world just wanted to be validated that whatever pain or hard time they were going through someone out there understands and relates. That’s what made her show so amazing. My favorite part was when she stated we are all responsible for the energy we give out. This statement hit home for me for 2 reasons, My parents are accountable for actions and behavior, but there is a time when I must be accountable for myself. Now that I know, I have no excuse. I must be responsible for what I portray to everyone around me. I must try to be the person I have always wanted to be. I can no longer be the person I feared I may have become. Most of all, everything my parents did to me is already done to them. I have to believe this in order to try and move on. I don’t want to be the one to spend the rest of my life blaming my parents but I have no guilt in giving blame right now. For the 1st time in 41 years they deserve it. Now that I know the truth, I am working on being accountable for what I give in this world. I want to be a person of caring and empathy. I want to not be judgemental and to love unconditionally. But most important, I want to trust my own feeling. I am hoping to get there some day.

Iso, your comments about good and bad memories coming back is exactly right!! I have said the exact thing about never talking to and treating my daughter the way she did to me. I may not have mentioned but I have a younger brother of course we are not talking, can I say triangulation. I am beginning to recall a few memories about me but the flow of bad memories about my brother are coming at me like a tidal wave. He was a different child than I was. I was extremely scared, but my brother was a fighter so he received the grunt of the abuse. I used to think, man my little brother is not too bright, why is he fighting he knows that he is going to lose the battle, but now I realized he was fighting for his voice. He was so strong for a little guy. He fought them alone. I feel guilt over not being there for him as his big sister, but I can’t really deal with that now. I plan on addressing this at a later time when I am stronger.

For those of you contemplating no contact, remember it can be on you terms. If you want it for a little while or forever it is your right. Let me assure you it may be the hardest decision you make but speaking from experience it will reward you ten fold. Stepping away for a little while just to figure youself out is highly recommended. I have walked away from my parents more than once in my life but only now am I contemplating forever. Only now with the knowledge I have possessed do I really believe this is the safest and healthiest situation for my family. Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself.

Roxanne  

Submitted on 2011/06/05 at 4:50 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Belinda, Thank you for your comment reply. I am so glad that my words help you feel some relief. You have much wisdom and light to give others and you are on your way to trusting your own feelings–if you have compassion for yourself every time those feelings come up to heal you will become stronger with each layer you voice and release. I like very much that you said this: “Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself”–wise words for HSP survivors to live by! I am glad and very much appreciate that you will continue with your insightful comments here on my blog site. (If you would like me to email your email address to ISO, please email a clear and direct statement giving me your permission to do so at hopesinger11@gmailcom.) Warmest wishes on your healing journey, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 3:03 am

I sent an email to my parents a few days ago outlining my request for complete NO CONTACT from them. I found it necessary for them to know b/c I found some clothes hanging on the front door of my home. The clothes were for my daughter and there was a card inside from my mom. I am assuming they came to my house and dropped them off and left. I was shocked that they would do that if they really did? We have not been talking or seeing one another so I decided to let them know not to come to my home or contact me and my family. This action disturbed me.

Well, I received an email from my dad tonight. I feel threatened and scared. I understand the email to say that they are insisting on family therapy meaning all of us or they will proceed with a lawsuit of defamation of character. There was much more said but I will have to put my online therapy on hold which pains me. I want to be able to express my feelings openly and honestly, but I do not know what to make of what I’ve been told by them. I was hoping to work through some serious things, but it is going to be in my best interest to stop writing on here until I find out more about this. I am numb right now and whatever progress I have done up to this point is now ruined. What now???

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 7:51 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, I am so sorry that your parents backlash to your no contact request was so awful and punishing and ridiculous. I am not a legal expert by any means but it seems to me this is a scare tactic to pull you back under their control and they are using fear to get you to obey them. You are a grown woman with your own family now–you have a right to ask for no contact and could even get a restraining order against them if you wanted to I think. They probably have no grounds for defamation of character. If you went to family therapy with them a good family therapist will be able to see the dynamics occurring in the family and would support your expressing your feelings about how you are treated and always have been treated. A good family therapist will even encourage and support your desire for no contact. It is surprising that they even want to do family therapy–most narcissists refuse to go–that is why I think this is just a scare tactic to get you to reconsider. You have not used their names so writing on this website is probably very safe–you need all the support you can get right now. Belinda, you are doing the right thing asking for no contact. All you have done up to now is not ruined by any means–they just want your new found strength and independence to come to a screeching halt and they are using fear because it probably always worked in the past. But you are stronger now! Stay strong–you are doing everything right. It is shocking and sad that they would retaliate and treat you this way. You deserve better treatment from parents. You might even just laugh and say “Sure, I’ll go to family therapy” –I bet they don’t really even want to go– unless they have already found a therapist that is biased and on their side, the lack of loving support for your feelings will be clear to the therapist. Be very kind to yourself, stay calm and you can weather this storm. Keep in touch and let us know how it is going. I am here for you and so are my readers. Prayers and Blessings are being sent your way, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Roxanne and Lily,

Thank you so much for your support. I am realizing that dealing with this type of situation is a rollercoaster ride. Right when you think you’ve got it under control, their crazymaking sends you spiraling out of control. I made an emergency call to my therapist, printed the email and brought my husband for support and his input. It was the best thing I could have done. She analyzed the letter and Roxanne, you hit the nail right on the head. Major scare tactic which is how they always controlled me. It was worth all the anguish to finally get my husband onboard as well. He was shocked by the threat and terribly disappointed in my family. Having my therapist explain things to him, helped him in realizing the truth about the long term abuse I have been receiving adding my intense reaction of fear and anguish he saw first hand the scare tactic in play.

My therapist suggested I just continue ignoring all emails but print them up for the future…just in case I need to do something a little more serious. As far as his threat to sue me for defamation of character. he has nothing…abolutely nothing. I had scheduled an appointment with a lawyer right after her just in case I needed to give him a retainer fee. I was prepared to fight but ignoring is the best defense, so I cancelled the attorney. I know I will not be afraid in the future if I need to go that route. I came out stronger today. I bet they would be hot if they knew that what they caused actually showed me how strong I could be if I had to be!! I overcame intense fear today. I was physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day but I learned a little about myself.

Roxanne, Thank you for your quick response. As soon as I read your response, I was inspired to leave work and handle this situation immediately. I was not going to let it interfere with another night. Your support means more to me than you know. I feel empowered again, but I remain cautious. This situation showed me how fragile I still am. I am a long way away from recovery, but at least I have created a support system. I can pat myself on the back for that. I reached out for it and look I have people that care for me.

Always,
Belinda

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/06/24 at 6:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Yay! I am so happy for you that you feel empowered to stand up to your parents scare tactics. You took action on your own behalf and now you have the support of your therapist and your husband in addition to my support and your new friends on this website. I understand your fear and anguish reaction because I can relate– you have a wound from early childhood that reacts this way because they controlled you by inducing fear in you since you were a tiny child. But you faced it head on and you can see the truth of who you really are clearly–you are strong and you won’t be bullied any more! Yay for you! I agree with your therapist about ignoring the emails but keeping copies of them. In my opinion you will save yourself some anguish and pain if you just have your husband read them in the future and don’t look at them yourself. It is exhausting to be pulled into their distorted world again and again and you need this time to nurture your self and heal. But since you have your therapist, she can help support you through them if you feel you must read the emails. You have a strong compassionate true voice, Belinda. You are sensitive for a reason and you are helping others be strong by sharing this event in your life with us. This post/forum normally averages 4-8 views per day but the last day and a half it has gotten 26 and counting–I feel the readers are more than just curious, they are concerned, sending their love and support, and are feeling supported themselves because they can relate! You are helping many others by your strength and shining your light of truth–sharing your fear was brave and I am so glad that you did! Yes, pat yourself on the back! Well done! I am so proud of you! Continued prayers and blessings, Roxanne

Belinda

Dear Roxanne,

Thank you so much for speaking from your heart. I relate to what you are saying so much. It feels good to know that someone else feels the way I do. I know you have been keeping up with me and my personal struggles and I just want to thank you so much for being there for me. If i could I would hug you, really tight. I am having good days and bad days but you know what through all of this I am learning myself and listening to my body and trying to finally take care of myself. not only do I have a heart but others do as well. I have made a pen pal that provides wonderful support for she also had a narcisstic parent. We seem to be journaling together and helping each other along the way. I recently mentioned something to her that is starting to happen to me. the dark cloud surrounding me is starting to clear a little and I am beginning to see small mircles and joys in life. From my family to co workers to complete strangers. I am connecting to the world. It is very small but I am recognizing this and I am so thrilled.

The family update… After I emailed my parents and asked for no contact my father responded by threatening to sue me, I am sure you remember. I ignored the email. I received 2 other emails after that. In the second email I was basically called a coward for not responding and then he threw the guilt trip on me about how could I do this they are my parents.. Then the same day I was told by a neighbor that my father was driving by my house. I was also aware that he was calling my husband behind my back. He was trying to sneak attack my husband. Luckily my husband refused to answer the phone. In my own way I believe I was being stalked. I’ve heard it is quite common. I was very scared but I sat down that night and let him know that I was aware of all he was doing behind my back and I do not want any contact from him. The last email I received, he stated that he thought I was crazy and needed therapy (he has no idea I’ve been going for months) and actually told me that I could potentially hurt my daughter (what a horrible thing to say to your only daughter). He ended the email telling me that he and mom did not want anything to do with me. Wow, really??? isn’t that what I’ve been asking for all along. It’s as if no one is going to tell him the rules he is going to tell me the rules. Does it really matter to me who ends it , no as long as it ends. I felt is was necessary to explain the behavior because to me it validates everything I believe my parents are. Crazy making control freaks!!! It is as if he was having an adult temper tantrum because things did not go the way he wanted them to go and I didn’t do what I’ve done in the past. I am no longer their little liar!! I will not lie about who they are to me and how I feel they have treated me. My feelings are the truth. they no longer tell me what my truth is. I feel like a prisoner who has just been set free. Thank you God!!

I am still working through a lot of pain, but I know that I am better already and I am beginning to feel I mean really feel. Care for others and allowing them to care for me. Most of all I am paying close attention to myself and trying to take good care of me. I am happier and apparently it’s contagious because I truly feel like my family is happier. Thank you, again Roxanne!! Continue your work in healing, I know it’s helping me and YES I would love to buy your book!! All things are possible, my new father told me that!! The father that promised to always love me and promised to never hurt me!!My lord and saviour!!

Be Blessed!!

Belinda

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/07/15 at 2:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Thank you so much for the wonderful comment. Big tight hug right back to you! {{HUG}} :) !! Thank you for describing the ups and downs of going no contact with N parents in such eloquent detail. Sounds like since you are finally living your truth, even though it is painful to upset your parents, you are now feeling the light of LOVE inside of you that was always there but was hidden in fear. Since your light is shining you are attracting the light of love in others and you recognize the comfort from this. Thank you for describing this–you are healing before our eyes! I am so glad that you are thrilled–I am thrilled for you! Yay!! Yes, it is hard! Yes it is painful! But look how strong you are and realizing you were strong all along! As you continue on this path of trusting your new-found feelings and self-expression, your hopes and dreams you never dared to express will start manifesting before your eyes. I like how you talk of “Caring for others and allowing them to care for me”–this is the essence of your highly sensitive soul. The love you give out comes back to you. Knowing this process will change your life. So happy for you Belinda. There may be challenges ahead but you know God loves you unconditionally and doesn’t want you to suffer. Yes! You get it! Congratulations! I am so happy to be a part of your new found awakening and FREEDOM! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences about the emails from your N father–this will help others get an idea of what might happen if they go no contact. Most people need a lot of support to get through it–It’s hard and painful but so worth it! And thank you for telling me that you would love to buy my book. It thrills me to help others through this website, my writing, and through my one on one coaching because…I’ve been there and I’m grateful to those who helped ME. I know sharing our pain works. Thank you again Belinda for sharing yours. With love and light, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 5:49 am

Roxanne,

Well, I am really needing your support tonight. My anxiety and stress is at an all time high right now. My father showed up at my home unexpectedly tonight at around 9:30 pm. We did not answer the door, but my husband turned on the front porch light so he knew we were home. I was finally forced to get the authorities involved. I called the police but my dad had left before they arrived. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I had a feeling that I was going to have to call the authorities at some point in time because of the nature of the emails I had received from him and the threats and insults he was making towards me. Fortunately, I printed up every email I sent to him asking for no contact and he also sent to me discussing the threats and insults . It was proof to the authorities that he should not have showed up at my home. The officer contacted him tonight at my home and spoke with him directly. It was necessary that the officer explain the reprecussions if he were to try to contact me and my family or if he were to come onto my property again.

1. It would be considered trespassing
2. It would be considered harassment
3. I had the right to have a warrant out for his arrest
4. I had the right to press charges.

I am scared to think what might have happened if the door was opened. My 4 year old daughter was in the house at the time and I am grateful that we did not answer the door. What was he thinking, we would sit down and have a chat. It would have turned out ugly and in front of my child. I remain in constant fear. I only hope that the information he received from the officer will deter him from futher contact, but really who is to know. I am fearful that he will still try to reach me, and rightfully so. Apparently, I am going to have to live with this fear. I don’t possibly know how to let something like this go.

I have been seeking therapy for a long time to try to heal from this, but with every attempt they make to reach me, it’s like starting all over again. Has this ever happened to anyone else, is anyone familiar with a situation like this. Is this something n parents have been known to do? I am truly at a loss of words. I still feel like I can’t keep this a secret. I know someone else out there has either gone through the same thing or is going through the same thing. I am very proud that I handled things this way. The officer said I did the right thing and I know he was right, but it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I called the police on my dad. I could just cry. I am not sure I will ever be able to get past this. I just pray and hope that this will stop. I will not be bullied, I will not be scared, I will not be abused.

Pray for me,
Belinda

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 6:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Wow Belinda, I think you handled this situation superbly. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how scary this must have been…and still is! When I was 25 we moved near my parents only to realize we’d made a mistake. I sought out a local counselor to deal with the stress. She encouraged me to move away–it took us a year and a half but we did it!  …Moving was the best thing I could have ever done so that I could heal and get strong. (see post from Feb. 12, 2010) Is this a possibility for you? Could you move away? I think you should definitely consider it–the safety of you and your family is at risk not to mention just the emotional and physical stress of having constant fear, especially as a highly sensitive person, you need to feel safe! When you say it’s like starting all over again, that’s because the childhood wounds keep being opened by your Dad’s aggression, you need a safe environment to heal and it will take a long time for you to grieve the loss of a childhood lived in fear–but you can heal and regain the vitality that is your birthright. Hopefully, things will die down now, now that you got the police involved, he probably didn’t realize how strong you were and now he knows. Wonderful that the officer said you did the right thing. I am sure many others feel empowered to stand up to their abusive parents by reading your experience of having to call the police on your dad. I pray also that this will be the end of it for you. You did the right thing and you are very brave! Be proud of yourself. A wonderful counselor once told me, (after a stressful interaction with a bully in my life): “do kind and loving things for yourself all day until you feel better–you deserve kindness”. I have never forgotten her words and I say them to you and hope they help you to cope today and everyday. With love, prayers, and warmest blessings, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/08/11 at 3:12 am

Dear Roxanne,

I always receive your messages at the exact moment I need it the most. What a wonderful reminder to enjoy these hot summer days. You are a reminder to me that yes I am a hsp who is still recovering from an abusive past. It is a good reminder for me because it teaches me to take care of myself. You are a gentle reminder to me that it is ok to celebrate me and it is ok to take care of me and most of all I should not feel guilty about it. I am in the process of building that family unit that cares for me so until then I have been relying on you to be that support. You have earned that trust through your kinds words and unconditional love and support from the start.

From the last time we spoke, I had a lot to tell you and again today is the same. I want everyone to know what is going on for many reasons. I want to help someone else as much as you, Roxanne, have helped me and continue to help me. I want to speak up about the abuse I received as a child and I continue to receive as an adult. Most of all I am realizing that every time I write my story it’s as if what happened gets left here and I can move past it better. As soon as I write down my pain, the pain is diminished. So here it is…After the last fiasco, I had forced myself to enjoy the summer with my family, go to the pool with friends and my husbands family and try to enjoy. Through my socializing I came across a job that became available. I interviewed for it and just recently was offered the position. I am so excited about this new opportunity because it is allowing me and my family the chance to move. I have wanted to do this desperately to try and lose complete contact from parents but felt like it was impossible, but God put me in the right place at the right time. So the family will be moving soon and I am so happy for us right now. It could not have come at a better time because last week I received a letter in the mail from our county courthouse. My dad is suing my husband and me over some money we borrowed several months ago before I went nc. I knew he was going to try and sue us but I expected him to try the defamation of character lawsuit he had threatened to me in the past but I suppose he realized he had nothing on me. I’ll be honest the money is owed to him and believe me I want to get him paid quickly. I suppose from my standpoint I feel like he is just relentless in his pursuit. When will he just leave me alone and let me be. To me this is a pattern of his attempt to over power and intimidate. to my husband (who happens to be a father to a 24 year old daughter and 4 year old daughter) he sees it as just pushing a daughter further away. My husband personally would never think of doing such a thing to his own children, but once again my parents have managed to show their true selves through this. In the past, I would have had a total meltdown and panic attack, but now I lose little sleep over their temper tantrums. The money will be there but for fun we will not send it until the last minute. Of course, It will be sent through an attorney letting them know that after this payment there will be not reason for further attempt for communication. Am I scared, yes but scared less. most important, I refuse to give them an opportunity to see me in court. Just what they want a dramatic ending to their sad story. I am sure they are hoping to add more lies to their adoring fans ( the family). The idea that they are getting sympathy from everyone when they know what they had been doing to me only intensfies my frustration. To them impression trumps truth, so I am not only no contact with them I have remained no contact from everyone. What do I call this… casualties of war. Due to the nature of our family structure it has always been if you are not for us you are against us and that means all of us. well goodbye all of you and your toxic lives… It’s time for me to stand my ground and…I won’t back down. hehe!!

I loved your statement about us being late bloomers, it is absolutely true as a matter of fact I am still blooming. I am finding that being a late bloomer has it’s advantages when raising a toddler. I am enjoying her more now than ever!! Roxanne, thank you again for giving me a voice and enjoy blowing out all those candles. I will be smiling for you on September 9th and wishing you a wonderful and blessed birthday.

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/08/16 at 2:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda. Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy for you and how well you are doing. You are moving on and finding your voice and finding the joy in life! Yes it is okay to celebrate–you have learned to overcome the guilt that creeps in by knowing that you need to be kind to yourself as you always deserved kindness and love but never received it. I love how you say “as soon as I write down my pain, my pain is diminished”. Yes! Once you can do this, you can heal from any pain that comes up in the healing process of recovery. (Some people are helped by a witness to this process of self-expression to aid in their recovery–a life coach or counselor can be a great help here  :) ).

What a blessing that you got a new job and are now able to move. That is the law of attraction working before our eyes. You believed that you deserved a better life and so it happened for you. Yay! I like how you talked about the toxic lives of your family structure and how you are enduring the “casualties of war”. I relate to all you are saying. Your comment will help many hsps out there who are struggling. You are a good writer with an uplifting, inspiring style! :) I hope you will please keep us posted with your wonderful comments.

Thank you for your wonderful feedback about my post. So glad you identified with my “stand your ground” message and about being a late bloomer. Yay! This is my hope–to help hsps to overcome their internalized negative messages and feelings from childhood and see the truth of their rare and special giftedness. You get it! Thank you for the birthday wishes, I appreciate it so much! Blessings to you, Roxanne

Belinda

Dear Roxanne,

It’s been several weeks and I’ve had a yearning to communicate with you but I am having a hard time trying to determine or explain how I am feeling these days. In walking away from my family, I have made every change possible within my control..emailing no contact, moving away, changing jobs, changing numbers, etc. I have also been making it a priority to exercise, I keep thinking that if I take better care of myself I will feel better. After all this, all I know is that I ache. It is a feeling that is not going away. I know that I am much better off now that my family is gone. The panic and anxiety and pressure to please is gone but it seems to have been replaced with an ache that I can’t seem to describe. Like I am at the verge of crying but it won’t come out. I don’t know what to do with this feeling and I am at a loss of how to fix it.

My hometown is in Georgia. I am compelled to tell you this because here in Georgia nothing is more important than family. Everyone I know has and loves their family. Every country song sings about family and friends. My parents moved from New York and eventually made their way to Georgia when I was a baby. So along with their narcissism also came a sense of being a foreigner. They are Puerto Rican and all my life they never really embraced Georgia and the southern culture. Growing up, I learned to love country music. I love the way southerners are, they know no strangers, but I felt my mom frowned heavily upon it So while growing up I always thought they kept people out because our cultures were so different but actually they kept out everyone that would see how they really are. I never belonged, never felt able to belong and now that I am away from them I feel more alone then ever. I really have no idea who I am, who I want to be and more importantly how to live in a town that would never understand walking away from family. It’s like an ugly secret that I can never really feel comfortable revealing. This is but a small aspect of what’s bothering me about my life.

How do I fix this or do I just live with this feeling? I am just so sad.

Roxanne

Submitted on 2011/10/05 at 11:29 am | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, I understand this ache that you feel, it is many feelings rolled into one. Your job is to figure out exactly what you are feeling during those times and you can do this by writing out exactly how you are feeling (even that you are confused about your feelings) in a journal–keep writing until you feel better-you will be amazed at the truths that come out of you–you may realize that you are being too hard on yourself and that you deserve compassion. Writing connects us to the right side of our brains which is more creative and in touch with the compassion in our hearts whereas just thinking things through can often keep us feeling confused. You are such an eloquent and creative writer, Belinda, I feel you would be very good at this journaling process. Please read my posts from Jan. 21, 2010, and March 7, 2010–I think they will be helpful to you. This ache and sadness you describe is grief–it is important that you let out the grief of the loss of an emotionally healthy childhood and upbringing. Grief is a healthy positive emotion and it requires you to feel all of your sadness and let it out. Difficult as it may seem, it is a very important part of the healing process. You are healing. Sending you comforting wishes as you continue to heal, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2012/05/27 at 6:53 pm

Hi Roxanne, I am not sure if you recall me…you have a lot of wonderful followers but I just had to write to you. You have been on my mind for a long time. You helped, supported and loved me through the most difficult part of my life. Walking away from my narcisstic parents was the hardest thing I ever endured. I went no contact around this time last year and I know I could not have done it without your kind words and encouragement. I am so far removed from the girl I was last year…I can’t actually believe I lived through all of it. I know before you I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or really to be honest I had one and you helped me through it. From threatiing emails, to having to call the police on my own father I look back and can’t believe the inner strength I had to have to pull away from their scary, intimidating and threating ways. But today after one year away I must say I am happier then I have ever been. Yes, I have a long way to go…I am working on a lot of personal growth. I am still healing, don’t get me wrong but I am really coming out of the fog!!  Roxanne, thank you so much for this website and know because of you I am paying it forward. I have signed up to dailystrength.org and I blog, journal and positively support anyone in my group that needs it. I want to be there for someone who had to endure the same abuse I endured. I want to be there for someone like you were there for me. I have a testimony now and I share it with anyone that needs support and you are part of my testimony. May your website continue helping others find their true sensitive, wonderful and beautiful self!! Be Blessed!!

Roxanne

Submitted on 2012/06/05 at 3:29 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment and for letting me know how you are doing!!! :) I have often wondered about you but I never had a doubt that you would persevere because your amazing spirit, inner strength, and wisdom always showed through to me. I am so happy to hear that you are paying it forward and I feel humbled that you feel this way about my support to you–you were the brave one to open up so honestly in your comments and I felt it a real privilege to assist you because I knew it would touch many others who followed your story. I know there are others out there who would love to hear how you are doing as well. So I have an idea: I would like to put all of your insightful and honest comments that you made on this blog in one place since they are spread throughout different posts so that people who visit this site can have an easier way to access the healing journey that you experienced through this blog. My plan is to release it as a post first, and then make it into a Page here on the blog and call it “The Story of Belinda”. What do you think? I want to get your permission first before I do it–I think it will be very helpful to many, many people Belinda–people who are struggling out there like you were but are afraid to take a stand in their own behalf! Thank you so much for letting me know how you feel about my work and my blog–it means so much to me!!! Blessing to you as well with love and light and much humble gratefulness, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2012/06/13 at 6:07 pm | In reply to Roxanne.

Roxanne,

Wow, I don’t really know what to say. I am truly overwhelmed with emotions…Sure, feel free to use my blogging any way you find it will help your website. I only hope that it helps someone else. After all this I am 100% a supporter for no contact. I support it, I encourage it, and most of all I try to let everyone know the true benefits of it. Reflecting back, my situation in the beginning felt like a lose lose situation but after time and therapy it turned into a win win. It doesn’t happen overnight, it does take time but I have to let people know what can lie ahead if they just hold on!!. I really want to be the support during the lash out phase, when a person is on the brink of cutting off contact. It is the most intense, scary, out of control place to be when you first walk away from a Narc!! I don’t wish this on anyone, but if they can just hold on, I promise that happiness is just over the mountain. It is the abolute crossroads between choosing to live a deep, fulfilling soulful life or handing your soul over to the devil and dying slowly everyday!! Roxanne, be blessed in your journey and please keep writing!!

Thank you, Belinda, for allowing me to share your story!  Feel free to comment here on this post any time you wish as well as keep us updated on how you are doing!  😀

And to everyone else:  Now that I have a busier schedule and am working on other projects, I am no longer able to answer each comment with emotional support and guidance as I did here, but it would be great if this new post became a forum of support for all of you HSPs who are struggling to find the courage to go no contact with your narcissistic parents!  Express your voice here and leave a comment–I am sure many out there who are suffering in silence will be helped by all of your stories as many were and are helped by this one–The Story of Belinda.  It is my hope that you all become “free to move on” to become your true selves and help others in the process if you so desire.  (It’s okay if you are not ready to speak out and help others yet, compassion for yourself as you heal is rule #1–time alone to heal is important, HSPs 🙂 )

With warmest wishes for inner strength,  comfort, and love to all who identify with this story,

Roxanne

How HSPs Can Heal From Inner Shame and Numb Emotions

Hi everyone!  Summer is upon us and I hope you are enjoying the many opportunities that arise in this beautiful season.  For those of us in the midwestern United States, we know the warm weather is short-lived so we try to get outside and enjoy it while we can.  As highly sensitive people though this “pressure” to enjoy the outdoors can add to our “to do” list that is already too long as it is!  Please look at the weather as a bonus to get outside in nature to recharge from the usual stress in our lives–just setting aside even 10 minutes alone in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening to walk, ride a bike, or even just sit outside and look and marvel at the sky or walk barefoot in the warm grass will help you enjoy the moments of summer more fully and not feel like the summer is passing you by yet again.

Today I woke up with a very strong feeling of shame and dread.  Along with it though there was very strong clarity about the truth of these feelings and the shame and dread very soon faded away as I got on with my day.  So I wanted to share with you the process that I go through and how I got to this emotionally healthy place!

Immediately when feeling this strong dread and shame this morning I went straight to comforting myself and saying to myself, “Wow, I must have done something really great for my true self yesterday–I must have really been expressing my truth and shining my light…. these feelings from childhood coming up to heal are the evidence and so I must be extra kind to myself today.”  I KNOW this now because of many years of analyzing and paying attention to my own emotional patterns.  I learned that when I wrote a great song,  poem,  or even when I just had great uninhibited fun or even exercise, this strong shame feeling would always pop up for me the morning of the next day.  This is because these feelings from childhood were my experience day in and day out until I had to give up as a child and repress my true self and all of the memories of this unbearable shame in order to survive.

Back then as a child, when I expressed my true wise self, or my joy in my own creativity, I felt shamed to the core.  I KNOW this now.  I no longer allow these dreadful feelings when they arise in me to negatively spiral in the following way:  My inner critic used to say, “What is wrong with me that I feel this shame, it feels terrible, almost unbearable, I feel disgusting, I must have done something horrible and shameful, I thought I had a good day yesterday but it must not be true, what was I thinking, I am never going to feel better, why do I even try”…blah blah blah, down down down the spiral went, draining all hope and positive energy out of me, leading to a depressed feeling and sometimes just numbness (dissociation) as I trudged though the day.  Wow, it’s hard to believe I used to spiral this way!!  But I did!  My inner critic has now completely been replaced with positive affirmations that I KNOW are true.  I don’t let my inner critic take over and I over-ride it with love and compassion for myself.  It took a lot of inner work but the whole process was well worth it.

My thought and feeling cycles are so different now as I know that how I treat myself with my inner thoughts create the kind of day and experience I am going to have.  This is more than just positive thinking or law of attraction techniques.  I had to go through a grieving process that actually changed my core beliefs about myself to the point that I learned that I had a lot to be sad about, angry about, and plenty to comfort myself through.  I had to delve into the past to see where the negative beliefs came from and get justice (inwardly) for the little girl inside who felt so much like an inferior being.  It was not the truth and I had to figure out what the truth was for ME.

As a mother I knew, and my college education in child development told me, that NO child is inferior and deserves to be shamed–so the inner grief work was a challenge for me to put together this puzzle to find out the truth about what happened to me to make me feel so bad about myself.  Memories started coming back to me and feelings that had been dormant and frozen in time became “available” to me again and I learned compassion for that little girl inside.  This took a while and everyone’s journey to healing will be different and take as long as it takes to work through your layers of illusions that keep you from seeing the truth of your brilliant shining light and true self.

So please be patient with yourself if you are in the middle of feeling all the pain and not yet seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Or if you are feeling comfortably numb but joyless and lacking motivation.  The light is there.  It is because you had this bright light and higher spiritual level that bullies in your life had to put you down and put out your light.  You may have been a threat to their distorted view of the world where “their” feelings were the center of the universe.  But your light never went out–it was just dimmed or covered up with illusions and blocks that are not true about you.  You have the power within you to turn your light back up high yourself!  No one can do it for you. It takes time to learn how to process through the layers of dormant feelings.

Writing out your pain in a journal for your eyes only is so important to the healing process because it gets you out of your left brain’s spiraling or scattered thoughts and connects you to your right brain’s compassion for yourself and creativity.  Document your progress in the journal and then go back and make yourself read the hopeful stuff you write, you will begin to see how amazing and wise you are that you survived it all and that there is so much to look forward to as you grow and grow in your own compassion for your wounded inner child.  As you grow to protect your inner child and stand up for the rights to all of your feelings, the negative thoughts about yourself begin to change.

Another thing I had to realize was that no one was going to rescue me but ME and I had to make a decision to never ever beat myself up again.  I remember saying to myself once, “That is it!!, that is the last time!  I am never going to waste my time in such misery again!”  And it stuck.  I still had bad days when shameful feelings came up to heal but I comforted myself instead.  Maybe I stayed on the couch that day BUT I was kind to myself instead.  I put away my to-do list, watched a favorite movie, made myself my favorite warm soup or hot tea, wrapped myself in a soft blanket, “loved” myself through the bad feelings and had compassion for my inner child who deserved love  and comfort.  And I allowed myself to grieve the happy carefree childhood that I never had.  This is so important to learn to do for ourselves–we hsp survivors may feel like we got skipped as we nurture our children and everyone around us–I realized this was important for me to take the time to mother my self for a while.  Then I would feel SO much better after I took a day for myself like this–I would feel renewed and recharged and it started a habit of a positive cycle of healing and change.

These were the new patterns and beliefs that were laying groundwork for new neurons in my brain for a new future and over-riding the shame from childhood.  This is the process of recovery from emotional abuse.  It is not easy.  It is not fun.  It is painful. But with delving into the pain at first I noticed that I at least felt more “alive” and this was a “spark” of light that kept me going towards the painful truth and not escaping into a comfortably numb existence of denial and dissociation that had for years kept me from moving forward towards my dreams and desires.  Instead I started continually delving into and through the pain to find my truth and alivenessI acknowledge the painful feeling and released it layer by layer in my journal or to a trusted, safe witness and gradually I emerged on the other side of it all.  The shame and dread that I wake up to is now just a weak residue, a glimmer of the truth of the past and all I worked through to get here–to where the joy in my heart can’t wait to get started on another day of being me in a Universe that I feel connected to and know that it supports me!

And so I say to all of you out there who are on what feels like an endless healing path, there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is awesome! When you can tap into the light and love from inside of you and believe and know that you deserve it, then you will be able shine your light and recharge and renew yourself anytime you want to!

P.S. More posts are coming soon!  I am working on putting together a post with all of the comments and replies from a frequent commenter who calls herself Belinda.  Her story is an inspiring example of a highly sensitive soul with bullying parents whose painful drama unfolded here on this blog–she bravely reached out and expressed what was in her heart and she came out the other side and into the light–and now she is shining her own light to help others.  Other commenters and my replies will be highlighted in upcoming posts as well.  (I ask all commenters for their permission first before highlighting it in a post.)  Be kind to yourself, HSPs, and I’ll be back in touch soon!

With love,

Roxanne 😀

Welcome To The Blog For Highly Sensitive People, Intuitives, Empaths, and INFJs In Search Of Emotional Support and Guidance

(May 23, 2012–No you are not seeing double–except for parts of the first paragraph I copied this post and turned it into my new static Home page. So if you have already read this post, check out the comments here and then just scroll down to find the other posts. Welcome to my blog and it’s new format.  New posts coming soon!  🙂 )

Hi Everyone.  I am back and feeling great.  Thank you to all for your prayers and well wishes.  I hope you are doing well also.  I learned much while I was away and I have much new knowledge and wisdom to share.  My Coaching is thriving and I feel very blessed.  I love my work–there is no better feeling than helping other highly sensitive souls to feel good about themselves and their lives and to help them to heal their emotional wounds.  In my opinion, my clients are among the kindest, most compassionate, gifted people on the planet!

It is interesting for me to take an objective look at this blog now that I have had a break from it for several months–there is so much content here.  The first post I wrote back in January 2010.  In my last post,  I talked about how I feel I healed my final trauma-wound—an abandonment wound from the time when I was only 1 and 1/2.  I couldn’t remember it of course but the emotional pain had been dormant within me and in my body in the form of an energy blockage.  Both ailments that I suffered from in the last year were in my root chakra–I never knew about the chakras before and I had been kind of resistant to learning about that kind of stuff.  But it kept coming up in my search for answers to how to heal from this last ailment.  It helped me to put it all together when I read that health issues in the root chakra area may have to do with issues of abandonment.  Then it all came clear in the AHA moment I talked about in my last post (see Oct. 2011) and I was able then to process and heal this inner trauma.

Since then I feel different–healthier, physically stronger, and wiser and with so much more clarity and calmness. For the last month, when thinking about what I was going to write for this post I was trying to think of a word to describe this feeling.  Then I saw Jane Fonda speak on Oprah and on Dr. Oz and some other shows and I resonated so much with what she was saying about “wholeness” and I realized that is it!  I feel “Whole”.

I feel I have come full circle into living my life with the vitality of my whole true self.  I feel more centered and grounded with an exhilaration about the wonderful things to come and for all that I have learned from where I have been.  I am so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life without chronic pain.  I have learned how to relax and enjoy my life.  It has been such a rollercoaster of a spiritual journey to come to this place and time where I can say that with confidence and amazement.  In 2004, when I started writing my songs and process through the layers of grief and pain that kept coming up and were holding me back, I never would have dreamed it was possible–the pain seemed endless as I worked through my childhood truth that had previously been long hidden away from me.  There was something inside of me that KNEW that going through the pain was the only way to get to the other side–that finding my true self was only possible by changing the “faulty BELIEFS” about myself that had formed in early childhood.

And now here I sit feeling very much healed with a new-found ability to recharge and comfort myself and find inner peace no matter what life throws at me and know with complete confidence and trust that everything is going to be okay.  I am telling you this because I want all of you to know it is possible for you too.  I feel so strong in spirit now with so much to give to assist other highly sensitive souls to heal from their abuse from a narcissistic, emotionally abusive parent or to heal from childhood wounds from an event or trauma from childhood.

I look at the content on this blog and there is so much self-help information here–I am amazed at how I did it!  I remember it just flowed out of me easily for almost 2 years, ideas coming to me all the time.  I really was just going with the flow in my life at the time–it takes a lot, getting informative posts ready for public view.  I look over this blog and it feels like it is “complete’–I have had people tell me that it is an entire self-help book in itself.  Some people tell me they read 2 posts a week and it helps them so much.  Others tell me they start at the first post and read it like a book.

If you are looking for some emotional support and guidance, there is much content that I have written in the comment sections of each post where I have in the past answered each and every person’s comment.  I am no longer able to do that now that I am Coaching a lot more.  Frequent commenters have been jumping in occasionally to give support to other commenters when I am not able–it is wonderful to see this happening. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to help others in this way.

I will be answering comments just sporadically and occasionally from now on because of my busy Coaching schedule.  But please know, I am here–I am available for Ask the Coach services and for Coaching.  I am reading your comments and I know you are out there–I understand and KNOW first-hand the emotional pain you are experiencing as you try to make sense of the confusion and destruction of the spirit that is left behind by a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family members.  I send my love and message of hope to you all.  I hope this blog will be a safe place that you can come to for comfort, encouragement, compassion, and most of all healing.

UNDERSTANDING THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON:

In my early forties, I felt empowered when I discovered that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  I now understand that being an HSP is a gift and for this I am truly grateful.  It means I am highly “intuitive”–not highly “insecure” or “weak” as many people have been wrongly led to believe by our American culture and media.  It also means that I am “Sensory”-sensitive which is not about emotionality–it means I am sensitive to sensory input that causes me to feel overstimulated at times–HSPs take in 5 to 10 times more stimuli in our environments than non-HSPs.  HSPS  are highly creative and often visionaries.  Here are some other things I learned about being an HSP that I would like to share:

1)      MANY HSPS ARE HIGHLY EMPATHIC.  Until you understand the benefits of being an HSP, it can be very difficult to understand why you are so different from those around you and why you yearn to “fit in”.  HSPs feel things more deeply and we can empathize with the feelings of others so completely that we often unwittingly “take on” the negative feelings of those around us.  We can end up feeling “bad” and have no idea why and blame ourselves for it when actually the feelings belong to the person we were just talking to (or sometimes even someone we have just been near).  When we feel bad for no reason, the common reaction for HSPs is to blame ourselves and mentally beat ourselves up.  For example, we say to ourselves, “what is wrong with me;  I should be happy;  everyone else seems happy and carefree so there is something wrong with me that I feel this way;  I must have emotional problems;  I am flawed compared to everyone else”  etc.  When we can recognize that the emotions we are feeling are from others, we can learn to stop this negative self-talk and let go of and release this negative energy that we have absorbed.

2)      HSPS ARE OFTEN TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES.  Becoming aware of how you are treating yourself in your head is becoming aware of your “inner critic”.  Your inner critic is always negative and always wrong about you.  Becoming aware of your inner critic is powerful.  Once you become aware that you are listening to your inner critic you must stop and say to your self, “No, that is not true about me!”  Then replace these thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself;  I am safe;  I am supported and cared for by the Universe (God);  and I am a highly intuitive soul and I am sensitive for a reason”.  Being able to change the way you treat yourself and talk to yourself will change your life!

3)      HSPS ARE LOVING, COMPASSIONATE SOULS.   When you love and approve of yourself as you deserve to be, you begin to shine the light that is inside your soul.  This light is the gift of the highly sensitive soul:  you innately see the good and the potential in other people;  you look to yourself to improve rather than blaming others or expecting them to change;  you are able to empathize with other people’s feelings with compassion;  you are a trusting and loyal friend;  and a very good listener.  These are wonderful gifts for a person to have for they are rare—and it is usually only the rare and highly sensitive friend that would point this out to you.

4)      HSPS OFTEN NEED TO LEARN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.  Being the kind and caring soul that you are, if you are not seeing the value of that, your worthiness, you will often attract relationships with the kind of negative energy that your inner critic is reflecting.  Also, people who are less sensitive and not intuitive at all are often drawn to HSPs because we absorb their negative feelings and they feel better around us.  Some of these relationships can really confuse us because these non-HSPs can “act” very kind and generous when they want something from us.  These are actually people we need to avoid because they drain us and are unable to reciprocate the giving nature that we need and deserve in a friendship.  Ending relationships with people who are really takers and manipulators rather than givers is a giant leap towards becoming the person you dream to be.  When you are able to take this final step for yourself and start listening to your inner guidance that is your gift, you are well on your way to a life of emotional vitality and wholeness.

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Here are lists of links to important posts within this blog:

HSPs and Allergies, Food Intolerances, and Stress-Related Illness

Helpful Tips About Healing Childhood Pain

Learned Helplessness in HSPs

High Achieving and Intuitive HSPs Can Overcome Self-Defeating Behaviors

More Helpful Tips For HSPs with N. Parents

Part 2–More Helpful Tips of HSPs with N. Parents

The Misjudgement of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion

HSPs and Perfectionism–How to Heal Through Grieving Childhood Pain  

Forgiveness is For Your “Self”

Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Pain

Mother’s Day Survival Guide

The Process of Inner Child Healing

How My Best Counselor Helped Me

Journaling for HSPs–Over-riding Your Inner Critic

Childhood Pain Comes Up To Heal When Things Are Going Well

Overcoming Self-doubt and Unblocking Creativity

Holiday Survival Tips–For HSPs With N. Parents and My Musical Gift Recovery

Honor Thy Parents Only If They Are Honorable

Stress Relief For HSPs

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As a final note of support, I want to say that as a highly sensitive and intuitive person, you are part of a group of 15 to 20% of the population that is deep, caring, and compassionate with much love to give. Our giving nature is an inspiration to others who are also part of this 15 to 20%.  You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad.  One fifth of the population is over 1 BILLION PEOPLE–and empathetic compassionate people are out there. When you begin to love yourself as you are, stop comparing yourself to others, and protect yourself and your energy from the negative people who diminish you by staying away from them while you are healing, you will start attracting and finding more compassionate people like yourself in your life. Do not settle for superficial relationships–take the road less traveled.  It is the path to love and enlightenment and inner peace.

With love and warmest wishes,

Roxanne

The Eruption of Post Traumatic Stress is a Healing Opportunity

Hi everyone.  I hope you had a wonderful summer and are enjoying this beautiful fall season.  Wow.  Two weekends of Indian summer was such a blessing!  In my eyes the beauty of the season makes up for summer coming to an end.  I hope it is beautiful wherever you are located!  It has been a while since I have written, I have had some ailments that have added some stress to my life.  But as always I feel there is a lesson in everything that happens.

Two ailments occurred on top of each other.  I was already in distress about a painful ailment when something randomly flew in my eye and temporarily blinded me and with such severe pain that I could not drive myself to the doctor to get it removed.  This caused me to over-react in such a distressing way that it caused me to experience some childhood emotional pain that had been hidden from me until then.  The object was removed from my eye and it healed completely in the next 4 days but during this stressful time, I remembered a comment my mother had made. It was an epiphany–an aha moment!  Her comment was, “When you were 1 1/2 years old, you had severe diarrhea and were in the hospital for over a week and the doctors never figured out the cause.  The nurses wouldn’t let me visit you because you would try to climb out of the crib to get to me.”  Years ago when she told me this, I had no emotional reaction to it.  But the stress of these health events caused an over-reaction in me that now makes a lot of sense!  Because of this epiphany, the reason for all of the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing came clear.  I realized I was feeling all the repressed emotion of an abandoned toddler who was terrified that her parents were never coming back, who felt she was being punished in this crib in the hospital, who was confused about why all this was happening and it seemed like the end of the world.  This hospitalization at an age where attachment is so crucial and separation anxiety is at a peak, my whole world crumbled and my security completely gone, I emerged from the hospital traumatized.

Now it took me a while to figure all of this out, but analytical and self-aware person that I am I was fascinated with the process, even though it required releasing these unbearably painful emotions that had been frozen in time, finally freeing me in their release.  I believe that when traumas like this occur and never get worked through, they remain stuck in our bodies causing an energy blockage that can cause illness and disease (dis-ease). (Louise Hay and Dr. Christian Northrup–see Recommended Books.)  Talking through this and releasing the pain and having my husband for a witness, I started feeling like I was finally healing from this ailment that had been chronically stressing me.  Yay!  It was shocking yet exhilarating for these facts about this trauma to be unearthed the way it occurred.  So many unexplained fears that I have had started to make sense to me.  Their origins were from this trauma that had been hidden from my memory my whole life.  It was a post traumatic stress event that now has given way to new understanding of the origins of some of my irrational fears and insecurities.  Now, I feel stronger and less fearful and I am healing those deep insecurities by releasing the pain and having someone witness and validate my feelings–a safe person that I trust completely.  This is the process of inner child healing.  I thought I had worked through all of my previous traumas but it turns out that I had one more vitally important trauma to work through.

At the time I was releasing the pain I felt it would go on forever and that I would never recover.  I very soon felt better though as I released these fears that were from my childhood trauma. Releasing the emotions had to include my memories of clinging to my mother for dear life for years after this event, and my needs for security were not met and my trauma never acknowledged.  She didn’t understand all the attention I gave her, clinging to her in fear like that.  I laid in her lap on car trips and never left her side.  Intuitively gifted even as a child, I took care of her emotional needs so that I would not feel rejected–after my unhealed trauma I couldn’t bear the thought of it, even though, I now understand that I was obedient and good out of extreme fear.  I remember the stories of how she did not send me to kindergarten and a neighbor discovered my age and brightness and made it clear she must send me to school finally.  I feel much gratefulness for that neighbor stepping in.  My memories of how I flourished in those few months in kindergarten and how the teachers built me up and I was proud of myself are the memories I hold onto of my true self persevering and shining through.

If you have had some traumatic incidents like this in your childhood, and most HSPs surely have, I understand your pain.  Writing out what happened and/or talking to a safe person is important. It helps to think back to a memory of a happy time before the age of 5 or 6 (5 or 6 is the age when we usually give up, (if you have a narcissistic parent or an unsupportive or unsafe environment or some trauma), and develop a false self to survive–Alice Miller).  This memory is your true self making itself known to you. Thinking back to that moment can give you strength as to your positive happy potential.  You can recover your true self again if you can see that you didn’t get the validation of your feelings that  you deserved. Then finally release those painful emotions.  The next time you over-react to stress or have a full-blown post traumatic stress episode you can look at it as a healing opportunity.  Learn to recognize and release your painful feelings and then relate them back to the origins of when they occurredthis  is how true healing occurs.  Hopefully you can find a counselor or coach who has experience with inner child healing as a safe person to trust with your truth.

I had first remembered my mother’s comment about my early hospitalization with no emotion at all for that experience on the tiny sensitive child that I was.  Now I have much compassion for the pain I experienced and that all infants and toddlers go through in these early childhood hospitalizations without parents present.  Nowadays, doctors know not to keep parents from their children at these young ages when attachment and security is so crucial but back in the 60’s they hadn’t learned this yet. Thank goodness times are better now.  I was encouraged to stay and sleep in the hospital room for several days with my first-born when he had pneumonia when he was 2.  And my second born never left our room after she was born and I gave her first bath. I am grateful to have experienced such compassionate hospital experiences for my own children.

This ailment that I mentioned is still causing me stress even though it is beginning to heal.  I won’t go into detail about it except that it is chronic pain, slow to heal, and it has become clear to me that it requires more of my attention, more rest, and I must make some adjustments in my activities.  So unfortunately I must take a temporary leave of absence from this blog. 😦  You might call it a sabbatical because I am determined to return stronger than ever and with even more wisdom and insight to share. It is my hope that during this time you will support and answer each others comments since I will be unable to do so.  This has already been happening by some regular commenters, which has been wonderful to see–when you reach out and support someone else who is hurting, the good feeling that you receive from helping others is exhilarating and wonderful.  I hope that you will try it out and see what I mean. 🙂

I am not going to say goodbye, I am just going to say take care of yourselves and each other while I am gone and I will be back!  🙂

Warmest wishes and love to you all,

Roxanne

Emotionally Healthy Parenting Info. For Highly Sensitive People–It’s Time To Stand Your Ground!

Hi everyone.  It is now August and I hope all of you have been enjoying the summer.  Yeah it’s too hot!–but I hope you are finding creative ways to beat the heat.  I am having the best summer ever!  I have found that my ability to slow down and enjoy the moment is really sticking this time.  The lessons I learned from my now healed injury are sticking with me–I appreciate the small things so much still… and when I get too busy I catch myself and pull back the reins and say “Whoa, slow down and listen to your body”.  Then I have more energy to do the things that are important to me… like writing to you all!  🙂

My creative way of beating the heat is to wait to ride my bike for exercise around my neighborhood until evening and sometimes even after dark. (Please only do this if it is a safe area and there is no traffic.)  There is something special about summer evenings when the temperature is perfect, the moonlight is just enough to see what you need to see, and it’s so quiet and peaceful out.  It is really recharging for highly sensitive people and it feels like such a treat for myself–I feel a spiritual connection to Mother Earth and the Universe and God.

I have a special event coming up.  I am turning 50 years old next month!   I really don’t feel 50 and people say I don’t look 50 so I am really going to celebrate big!  Yay!  I have a lot to celebrate!  I feel more like 32 and have more energy and better health than I have ever had in my life!  The second half of my life is going to be even better than the first half and the first half turned out to be really awesome!

I believe HSPs are very often late bloomers–we have hardships early in life that we struggle with but then we start coming out the other side.  We soon realize the journey we are on is exactly the one we needed to be on to find our voice and true purpose in life.  That is definitely what happened to me.  The first half of my life I acquired a college degree, married, and then chose, for my first career, being a  Mom raising two amazing children to feel good about themselves as my first priority.  I support and encourage them to express their unique creativity and they have nothing holding them back from pursuing their dreams.  I cheer them on and say “You can do it!

Both of my children are both highly sensitive and intuitive people with kind and compassionate spirits.   They call us often to share good news and also when they encounter negativity and negative people in their lives and we listen and empathize.  They feel better with support and continue to learn to build themselves up.  That is what a healthy family system is supposed to be like.  I am adding 2 new links here on my blog that I want to share with all of you and they are:  Attachment Parenting International Dot Org and The Attached Family Dot Com.

If you have childhood wounds, it is so supportive to go to these sites and see what a healthy nurturing family looks and feels like!  It helps you remember, if you are trying to recover from childhood wounds from parents who were malignant narcissists, it is their choice not to embrace their roles as parents with compassion and giving and to choose blaming, negativity, and guilt-inducing instead.  It may help to tell yourself, “it is not my responsibility to give up the essence of my self and my energy so that someone else will feel better and not even appreciate it or see how that harms me.”

It is my intention to never induce guilt in my children–to never make them feel guilty so they will visit me more often.  They visit us because they want to because they feel better being around us.  We build them up and give them encouragement.  We tell them, “We are sure you will figure it all out–you are doing a great job so far!”.  We help them to trust their inner guidance and to go towards positive people and positive feelings in their lives.  We teach them to have healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are when you are able to be separate and whole and feel good about your place on the planet–you can shine your light and help others without giving up your self.

As highly sensitive children, you as survivors may have taken care of your parent’s feelings because your compassion is innate in you.  But you have to learn to stop doing this at the expense of your true feelings now that you are adults.  When you give up your truth to get a parent’s approval to avoid conflict then you have gone too far and have lost your healthy sense of self and have given up your own energy and truth.

HSPs need support to know that it is important to protect your precious energy that is so easily drained away by people who tell us we OWE them.  You don’t owe narcissistic parents anything–parents who use fear to manipulate and control instead of giving any love and acceptance are deal breakers (not honorable).  You don’t have to “honor thy parent” if they induce fear in their children.  Fear is the opposite of love.

It is always best to try to talk to parents in a civil way to point out these things.  I’m sure you have tried saying things like, “I care about you and I also disagree and I am going to do it this way instead”.  If with your best efforts at fairness you are still constantly punished for your disobedient ways,  (even if it is passive–aggressive silent treatments), even though you are an adult, these are toxic situations for HSPs.  If you have tried it all and you are miserable and fed up, don’t feel guilty!  Or if “no contact” is working for you now or helping you heal so you can get stronger, don’t feel guilty!  You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness,  just yours.

What would they say if you confronted them with the pain they caused you.  They would deny and blame, right?  You would never do that to them, you would say…I’m sorry”… maybe even if it wasn’t your fault.  Your compassionate soul is rare and has a special purpose on this planet.  Your specialness is important to the planet.  Focus on giving your gifts to those who really will appreciate it as a mission and even possibly a career for yourself.  The planet needs more HSPs!  Be glad you are one.

I heard the song, I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty on the radio the other day. It filled me with a sense of fun and positive energy and helped me feel even stronger.  Since then I have been singing it a lot in my head and I love how it gives me strength when I say those words. “I am gonna stand my ground”.  Listen to it when you get a chance.  Here are some of the lyrics:

No I’ll stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
… and I won’t back down

Chorus:
(I won’t back down…)
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
(and I won’t back down…)
hey I will stand my ground
and I won’t back down

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I’ll stand my ground
…and I won’t back down

The point is that feeling “grounded” is so important to an HSPs health in all ways:   Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Standing your ground can symbolize feeling rooted in the earth.  You are here on the planet for a reason.  Your “space” here on the planet is your own and you deserve to feel confident and strong and separate and whole… standing tall and deserving of your spot on the planet.  We get positive strength and energy from Mother Earth and she recharges us again when we get depleted.  Mother Earth loves us–imagine being rooted in love!  Walking on the warm grass in bare feet (on warm summer August evenings 🙂 ) is especially recharging–imagine the positive energy of the planet beneath you recharging you up your legs and into your heart and head. Relax your tense muscles throughout your body while you do this.  These kinds of visualizations really work to help me feel strong and inner peace about my independence and freedom and standing “my ground”.  I hope they are helpful to you too!

My birthday is on September 9!  I hope you will stop by my site on that day and say hello and help me Celebrate!  My husband, children and I will be partying all day and evening!  I will have a  message for all of you in my Update Corner on that day. 🙂

I will be on vacation August 22-28–So, except for that week, I am here and always available to you, my readers, commenters, and clients.  My next post won’t be until later in September.  Have a wonderful August and rest of the summer, HSPs!  And remember to Stand Your Ground!

With Love,

Roxanne

The Process of Inner Child Healing and a Poem of Hope for Highly Sensitive Survivors

Hello everyone.  Whenever I write a new post, I “tune in” to you, my readers, and write from my heart.  Sometimes I plan what I am going to write and other times I write something entirely different from what I had planned.  At the beginning I used to worry, “how can I top that last post”, but now I just trust in the process and I know that what I write will turn out all right.

It is wonderful to feel such confidence. It is such a contrast to how I used to feel years ago before I gained access to the truth of who I am.  It was “self-doubt”–a looming horrible anxious feeling of dread and guilt…or more often a feeling of numbness and compulsions to avoid feelings by keeping busy with tasks that I felt I “should” be doing.  I had no access to my truth–I had hidden away my truth to protect myself from the unbearable pain that I experienced as a child.

Through my journaling I discovered a process that helped me to heal more than anything else I tried–it was writing out my pain from my inner child’s point of view.  I knew from all of my reading and training in psychology that blocks happen in childhood–and I had been encouraged by two helpful counselors to continue to write out my feelings in order to uncover them (I had been writing poems about my feelings since the age of 14).

Writing from my inner child’s perspective just kind of naturally happened and I found it to be the most powerful healing tool in my own recovery.  I discovered “her” voice by writing out “her” pain and then I had no choice but to feel compassion for what “she” went through and over time “she” became clearly “Me”!  And as I began trusting in this process of trusting “her” view of what had happened to me I began trusting my self.  My inner dialogue then gradually changed from critical to compassionate.  I remember that I started feeling emotions that had previously been repressed and could then label them.

I was excited about this process.  For example, I’d be at the grocery store and suddenly become aware of a feeling such as shame and say to myself , “this feeling is really familiar but I never knew until now that it is “shame”.  Wow this is shame from my childhood coming up.”  I realized I was feeling these feelings for the first time since I had hidden them away in childhood.  Rather then get caught up in them I was able to observe them and acknowledge them and release them.  I would often go right away and write in my journal about the origins of these painful feelings.  Repressed memories would often come back to me during these times.  It wasn’t always so simple–sometimes I would unconsciously drag my husband into a drama only to discover I was replaying a trauma from childhood so that I could finally voice my feelings of anger, grief, or fear to my envisioned N parent.  My knowledge of what was happening luckily allowed me to be aware of the process of healing–I would quickly reassure my husband what was happening so that he could then support the release of my feelings as a supportive witness without feeling blamed in any way.  Seeing me recover my feelings in such a way and feel relief helped my husband to understand this healing process as well and he began processing his childhood pain in a similar way (he had a Narcissistic parent too).

I am planning to put together a book in which I include the best of my healing writings directly from my journals that show this process of healing first hand from age 18 to the present.  Although it will be very personal I am hoping that it will help others to heal and develop compassion for their inner child and what they went through if they are unable to write out their feelings in such a way that I was able–I consider it a gift that I was able to do this and I am grateful to have such a vivid memoir of my recovery.  I believe this gift of writing I have been given is another way that I can help other highly sensitive souls to recover and to help them to feel relief from the inner prison of emotional abuse by a Narcissistic parent.  Please let me know if you would be interested in reading such a book.

Recently I wrote the following poem when I “tuned in” to you, my readers and fellow highly sensitive survivors.  I was planning to save it for my book but I have decided to share it with you now instead to show an example one of the kinds of writings that will be included.  Here it is:

Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor

By Roxanne E. Smith

March 22, 2011

Pain so deep, I can’t see the light

I know it’s there but it’s not very bright

The sadness is thick, despair all around

I envision a child giving up with no sound

Pain so deep, I hide all my hope

Afraid to come out, I feel like a dope

Worthless and horrible, don’t ever try

The pain is unbearable, can’t even cry

I can’t feel the love, I need it so bad!

So much fear without it, it’s really so sad!’

I am feeling much better just admitting this truth

You have to have love when you’re in your youth!

Without love you can’t heal all the hurts that come by

When bad things do happen we need love when we cry

Someone has to hold us and give us new hope

If there’s no one for comfort than there’s no way to cope

No wonder I hid my talents away

When I would do well then I was their prey

The taunting, the teasing, “Who do you think you are?”

Shame became my deepest scar

But who was this child all hidden in shame

An innocent victim who will never be the same?

She thinks she is nothing but she is so wrong

The truth is she’s beautiful, wise, and so strong

Scoop up that child all broken and battered

Love her and hug her and tell her she matters

She’s awesome and wonderful, they were so wrong

Talented, creative , and smart all along

Sensitive soul you were so beaten down

But you figured it out and now you can leave town

You’re safe now and free–no more bullies outside

Shine your light, spread your wings, don’t believe all the lies

Be kind to yourself when the pain comes back ’round

Love yourself through it, your true self is found

You know the truth and now you can be free

Fear is from “them”–in the past, don’t you see?

Relax into the pain and it will dissipate

Because the pain is from lies and it’s never too late!

To believe in yourself and your talents and dreams

You are good at compassion and so many things

They did not want you to succeed with your gifts

So they made you give up and they threatened with fists

You were small so you gave up but now you are grown

You can heal all the pain and make it now on your own

You can do it!–the words you’ve long waited to hear

Say them to your self!  And say NO to the fear!

Give them back all the bad feelings that they gave to you

Imagine this energy going outward from you

Then let in the light and the love from a place

Where angels don’t want you to live in disgrace

You know what love is because you give it so freely

To others who need it when they’re feeling needy

Give to your self all this love all the time!

You will find your true purpose and all will be fine

These lessons are so hard that we learn from our pain

But we discover our strengths again and again

So sensitive souls who survived from abuse

Your gifts are so needed to be put to good use

I know how you feel and I hope you feel better

Because we can overcome it if we do it together!

I hope that this poem has helped you to feel loved

You are!–and I send it to you from above!

I understand and I want to comfort your pain

I hope this is helpful.  Love, Roxanne Elaine

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