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Strong All Along

LYRICS

Strong All Along

By Roxanne Smith

I’m moving on

No looking back

I just have to trust my heart

On this new track

Hard to believe

That you can’t love

But now I know–got to move on

Me and God above

No longer doubt

I know I’m  fine

Just have to trust I’ve learned a lot

No wasted time

It hurts to know

You’ve given up

But I can’t help or change your heart

I’ve had enough

This brand new road

It is my own

For the first time I lead the way

To the unknown

I face the fear

Fears from the past

Noone helped me know that I’m strong

But I’m strong at last

CHORUS

I am strong finally

I can make it on my own

I faced the truth that you can’t love

Now I’m strong and I’ve been strong all along

Now I’m strong and I’ve been strong all along

Original Song © Roxanne Smith

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4 responses

  1. Dear Roxanne,

    I love your poem. It is true, it is hard to believe that they cannot love. I keep thinking that my mother and stepfather purposely act the way they do. Right now, I can not see them as disordered.

    Yesterday, I took the GRE and I was nearly shaking, since my whole life I had been told that I was not that smart and could not do anything on my own. I remember in high school wondering what was real – I mean, literally wondering whether any of my accomplishments were real or whether my parents were right about me. I had some of these thoughts as I walked into the test center: “Maybe studying a lot as a way to get ready for a test will not be enough for me. I would need a miracle to do well.”

    The first time I took the test I had a near panic attack, so I did not report my scores. This time around, I did report them, and I had a tremendous score that will put me in the running for nearly all graduate schools. I am glad my mother and stepfather are not in my life, since they would not help me celebrate. Years ago, when I got into a top college, my stepfather turned to me and said it was because he had increased his donations.

    I think the most amazing part of my story is how I managed to survive as a fully formed adult, rather than a narcissist, but I know it was a close call. My initial psychotherapy appointments were much like the ones Alice Miller depicts. I have a hard time admitting how close I was to the edge, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for basically being a narcissist for a few years before I got help.

    Sincerely,

    Lily

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    1. Hi Lily, Thank you for your comment and for your kind words about my poem/lyrics. Congratulations for doing well on the GRE and just for taking it and studying for it–a wonderful accomplishment! My 20-year-old daughter also took it on the 19th so I know what this entails. Awful how your parents would undermine your confidence. Mine did the same thing. Look how far you’ve come from the first time you took it. Wow! Good for you! Hope you celebrate–you deserve it!

      Thank you for sharing that you felt that you had some narcissistic traits at one time. We ALL can relate so please forgive yourself. I believe you never were or ever will be a narcissist–compassionate HSPs can never be! This is because all of us start out with a narcissistic disturbance when we are emotionally abused as tiny children–our “legitimate narcissistic needs” to be seen and mirrored and loved go “unmet” so we struggle to feel and give to others–BUT the big difference is, when WE do something that causes pain to another, we feel remorse and bad about ourselves and we look inward, want to change, and seek therapy etc. Narcissists feel “better” when they suck the life energy out of others and are incapable of looking inward or taking responsibility for their actions. See the difference? I believe this difference is because narcissists have become completely severed from their true essence–their soul. You have connection to your loving soul with much compassion for others, Lily. Thank you for bringing this up–I hope to make a Page on my blog explaining more about this. Warmest wishes to you, Roxanne

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  2. I have been feeling like a narcissist too for the past year and feel ashamed. I will admit that I have been self-centered and when I know I could have been strong and put my trust in God to carry me through, especially after everything He has already done for me, I consistently ignored that route and have been paying for it. I have never felt so selfish before. I have a feeling that since I had healed so much and felt love for people at a deeper level than before, I wanted to share and care with and for others but since the others in my life at the time, were experiencing their own problems, perhaps I felt my joy was unwarranted? Maybe I didn’t want to take on the further responsibilities of adulthood and facing things? Maybe I didn’t want to share if others weren’t going to share.
    Anyways, when I could have been strong, I allowed myself to become weak and self-incriminating myself was part of the process until someone came to knock some sense in me. I am embarassed.
    Tara

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    1. Tara, When these negative self statements of shame and doubt come up to the surface, know that is your inner critic talking and not true about you. These are things your inner child seems to have been forced to believe but they are coming up to be released–they are evidence you deserve more love and kindness not less. Please don’t attach to these feelings–know they are on the way out of you and are just evidence of how unfairly you were treated and made to believe that you were selfish. Compassion and empathy for others is proof you are not, never have been, and never will be a narcissist. The way to heal internalized shame is extreme self care and kindness to yourself. Please forgive and love yourself — imagine yourself cradling and comforting and soothing the wounded child inside (who was made to feel shame) as you would any small child who feels bad about him/herself. Anytime you feel bad about yourself, know you are healing a layer of pain from your childhood –it came up because you are stronger now and can face the truth of the past that is ready to be healed. Acknowledge it happened to you–you had absorbed this negative energy from elsewhere, replace it with tender loving care for yourself and release this negative energy up to heaven to be dissolved. It takes time to heal all the wounded layers of false beliefs we have formed about ourselves. Sending soothing, comforting, caring wishes to you as you heal, Roxanne

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