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The Story of Belinda–A Story of No Contact

This post was originally shared on August 20, 2012–Now, July 7, 2013, it is being added as it’s own page in order to reach more HSP survivors needing support for going no contact with narcissistic parents.

It is a survivor’s dramatic story with a happy ending as it unfolded in the comment sections of this blog.  I hope you find it helpful and supportive.  Sending you love and my deepest caring and compassion.

Hello everyone!  Today’s post is a compilation of all the comments between Belinda and myself.  Belinda is the name used by a commenter and follower of my blog who reached out for assistance when her attempts to create healthy boundaries for herself were followed by aggressive and fear-inducing actions by her parents in order to control her.  Her comments were spread throughout different posts so, with her permission, I decided to put them all on one page so all of you can benefit from her open and honest sharing as she persevered with much inner strength through the backlash of going no contact with her narcissistic parents.  (There are comment replies to Belinda from 2 other blog friends which I did not include here–you can click on the post at the side if you wish to find and read all the related comments from others too.)   I hope you find inspiration and hope in all that transpired in the following interactions:

Belinda
Submitted on 2011/05/06 at 2:14 am

Mother’s Day weekend is fast approaching and today I have made the final step in walking away from my narcissistic mother. I have asked my father for no contact from both of them. It is so ironic that it happened today. I was in the midst of contemplating how to handle mothers day. I did not want to send her a card, but knew the guilt I would face if I did not. I feel relief which only goes to show me that the decision is right even though it was so hard. Your story is helping me tonight. I know I have a long way to go but it has to get better from here. Thank you again and God Bless!!

Roxanne

Submitted on 2011/05/10 at 12:55 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Belinda, Thank you for your comment. So glad you are able to feel the relief in your decision to put yourself and your healing first. Yes, it is not easy, especially around mother’s day–I am so glad my story is helping you to find your voice and your truth. Your feelings matter! God Bless you as well. With love and light, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Hello everybody,

I am entering my second month of no contact with my family. I am currently feeling better as far as less stress and anxiety. I am slowing down and trying to be patient with myself. However, as far as anything else I am still in a state of shock. I know I have been verbally abused by my parents but I find myself constantly researching narcissism. It seems I am needing to constantly remind myself that I’ve been abused and I am trying to validate it to myself. It’s like I am doing a research project for someone else until I look in the mirror and realize I am researching about ME!! My whole life I felt like I was watching what was going on in the world but not really being a part of it. I have forgotten who I am, or better yet I never had the opportunity to get to know myself. I am trying to learn about myself and at the same time trying to heal my broken spirit and at the same time trying understand and at the same time trying to not call my family. Phew!! That’s how I feel. I break down in tears often from these overwhelming feelings

I never really explained to my parents that I no longer want to contact them ever again. It sort of fell in my lap. The last conversation I had with my dad, he suggested that they not call me and I said that would be best. So, I am assuming they are waiting for me to call. That leaves the ball in my court and the pressure of that is almost too much to take. I want to email them and tell them the no contact rules because I actually fear them trying to call me or see me. I am not strong enough right now to fight for my right for space but I know I desperately need it. I try to spend my time keeping my mind busy. That is what is making this the most difficult. My own mind. It is constantly thinking about everything. I have to work at staying focused on the here and now. Having my husband and little girl around always seems to help but it seems like a temporary fix. When alone, my mind takes over. I have been going to therapy for 2 months but there is little change in my spirit. there is much change in my surroundings, though so I guess it is a good start. I must have a long way to go. I sum it up this way…the knowledge of knowing is not enough to heal the spirit!!! I have the knowledge but where do I go from here?

I find myself trying to find someone else to fill the void that I have. The desire of approval from others and trying so hard to please seems to get in the way of making friends. People see that I am trying too hard. I expect too much out of other people such as a neighbor that has become my friend. The problem with that is she does not understand where I am coming from so in trying to discuss my current situation I end up receiving advice I know is not right for me. She does not know my family so I know that she had the best intentions but the words wound me. I know it’s not the right way to be. I need to learn to rely on myself and validate my own feelings. That was the biggest abues to me. My feelings were never validated. EVER!!! I am constantly searching for approval. I started a journal a few days ago, hopefully, it will help in my healing. I am learning slowly through trial and error. Thank you so much for this website. It gives me a voice.

Belinda

Roxanne
Submitted on 2011/05/26 at 9:05 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Thank you for your comment. You so eloquently expressed what many highly sensitive people are going through when they first go no contact. Wow. So well said! You will help many others who feel the same but are not ready to leave comments. The pressure you feel to call them is guilt that they induced in you and that you internalized since you were a little child. It may help you to get in touch with some of your anger at having been so controlled and manipulated as a child. Journal out your feelings, all of them, including how angry you must have felt as a child but you were not allowed to feel it or express it then. But now you are safe and you can let it out. Releasing your truth will heal your spirit. When you connect with your true self and have compassion for the child inside of you that suffered, you will feel less needy for other peoples approval. It takes time to heal all the layers so be patient with yourself. You are stronger than you know. Thank you for the kinds words about my website. If you would like me to give you ISO’s email address just drop me an email and I will email her to get her permission as well. with Love and Light, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/05/27 at 3:36 am

Iso and Roxanne,

Thank you both for keeping in touch. I feel relief of anguish with every word you say. Roxanne, I think it would be great to get in touch with ISO. I feel like we have such similar sithations that exchanging email addresses would be a good idea. I will continue writing about my journey here b/c Something good must come out of my struggles. I’ll be honest, good things for me have already begun to happen, but I want someone else to learn from this. Something positive has to come out of this experience!!! Just like the last Oprah show, I related so much to what she was saying. Everyone in this world just wanted to be validated that whatever pain or hard time they were going through someone out there understands and relates. That’s what made her show so amazing. My favorite part was when she stated we are all responsible for the energy we give out. This statement hit home for me for 2 reasons, My parents are accountable for actions and behavior, but there is a time when I must be accountable for myself. Now that I know, I have no excuse. I must be responsible for what I portray to everyone around me. I must try to be the person I have always wanted to be. I can no longer be the person I feared I may have become. Most of all, everything my parents did to me is already done to them. I have to believe this in order to try and move on. I don’t want to be the one to spend the rest of my life blaming my parents but I have no guilt in giving blame right now. For the 1st time in 41 years they deserve it. Now that I know the truth, I am working on being accountable for what I give in this world. I want to be a person of caring and empathy. I want to not be judgemental and to love unconditionally. But most important, I want to trust my own feeling. I am hoping to get there some day.

Iso, your comments about good and bad memories coming back is exactly right!! I have said the exact thing about never talking to and treating my daughter the way she did to me. I may not have mentioned but I have a younger brother of course we are not talking, can I say triangulation. I am beginning to recall a few memories about me but the flow of bad memories about my brother are coming at me like a tidal wave. He was a different child than I was. I was extremely scared, but my brother was a fighter so he received the grunt of the abuse. I used to think, man my little brother is not too bright, why is he fighting he knows that he is going to lose the battle, but now I realized he was fighting for his voice. He was so strong for a little guy. He fought them alone. I feel guilt over not being there for him as his big sister, but I can’t really deal with that now. I plan on addressing this at a later time when I am stronger.

For those of you contemplating no contact, remember it can be on you terms. If you want it for a little while or forever it is your right. Let me assure you it may be the hardest decision you make but speaking from experience it will reward you ten fold. Stepping away for a little while just to figure youself out is highly recommended. I have walked away from my parents more than once in my life but only now am I contemplating forever. Only now with the knowledge I have possessed do I really believe this is the safest and healthiest situation for my family. Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself.

Roxanne  

Submitted on 2011/06/05 at 4:50 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Belinda, Thank you for your comment reply. I am so glad that my words help you feel some relief. You have much wisdom and light to give others and you are on your way to trusting your own feelings–if you have compassion for yourself every time those feelings come up to heal you will become stronger with each layer you voice and release. I like very much that you said this: “Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself”–wise words for HSP survivors to live by! I am glad and very much appreciate that you will continue with your insightful comments here on my blog site. (If you would like me to email your email address to ISO, please email a clear and direct statement giving me your permission to do so at hopesinger11@gmailcom.) Warmest wishes on your healing journey, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 3:03 am

I sent an email to my parents a few days ago outlining my request for complete NO CONTACT from them. I found it necessary for them to know b/c I found some clothes hanging on the front door of my home. The clothes were for my daughter and there was a card inside from my mom. I am assuming they came to my house and dropped them off and left. I was shocked that they would do that if they really did? We have not been talking or seeing one another so I decided to let them know not to come to my home or contact me and my family. This action disturbed me.

Well, I received an email from my dad tonight. I feel threatened and scared. I understand the email to say that they are insisting on family therapy meaning all of us or they will proceed with a lawsuit of defamation of character. There was much more said but I will have to put my online therapy on hold which pains me. I want to be able to express my feelings openly and honestly, but I do not know what to make of what I’ve been told by them. I was hoping to work through some serious things, but it is going to be in my best interest to stop writing on here until I find out more about this. I am numb right now and whatever progress I have done up to this point is now ruined. What now???

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 7:51 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, I am so sorry that your parents backlash to your no contact request was so awful and punishing and ridiculous. I am not a legal expert by any means but it seems to me this is a scare tactic to pull you back under their control and they are using fear to get you to obey them. You are a grown woman with your own family now–you have a right to ask for no contact and could even get a restraining order against them if you wanted to I think. They probably have no grounds for defamation of character. If you went to family therapy with them a good family therapist will be able to see the dynamics occurring in the family and would support your expressing your feelings about how you are treated and always have been treated. A good family therapist will even encourage and support your desire for no contact. It is surprising that they even want to do family therapy–most narcissists refuse to go–that is why I think this is just a scare tactic to get you to reconsider. You have not used their names so writing on this website is probably very safe–you need all the support you can get right now. Belinda, you are doing the right thing asking for no contact. All you have done up to now is not ruined by any means–they just want your new found strength and independence to come to a screeching halt and they are using fear because it probably always worked in the past. But you are stronger now! Stay strong–you are doing everything right. It is shocking and sad that they would retaliate and treat you this way. You deserve better treatment from parents. You might even just laugh and say “Sure, I’ll go to family therapy” –I bet they don’t really even want to go– unless they have already found a therapist that is biased and on their side, the lack of loving support for your feelings will be clear to the therapist. Be very kind to yourself, stay calm and you can weather this storm. Keep in touch and let us know how it is going. I am here for you and so are my readers. Prayers and Blessings are being sent your way, Roxanne

 
Belinda

Roxanne and Lily,

Thank you so much for your support. I am realizing that dealing with this type of situation is a rollercoaster ride. Right when you think you’ve got it under control, their crazymaking sends you spiraling out of control. I made an emergency call to my therapist, printed the email and brought my husband for support and his input. It was the best thing I could have done. She analyzed the letter and Roxanne, you hit the nail right on the head. Major scare tactic which is how they always controlled me. It was worth all the anguish to finally get my husband onboard as well. He was shocked by the threat and terribly disappointed in my family. Having my therapist explain things to him, helped him in realizing the truth about the long term abuse I have been receiving adding my intense reaction of fear and anguish he saw first hand the scare tactic in play.

My therapist suggested I just continue ignoring all emails but print them up for the future…just in case I need to do something a little more serious. As far as his threat to sue me for defamation of character. he has nothing…abolutely nothing. I had scheduled an appointment with a lawyer right after her just in case I needed to give him a retainer fee. I was prepared to fight but ignoring is the best defense, so I cancelled the attorney. I know I will not be afraid in the future if I need to go that route. I came out stronger today. I bet they would be hot if they knew that what they caused actually showed me how strong I could be if I had to be!! I overcame intense fear today. I was physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day but I learned a little about myself.

Roxanne, Thank you for your quick response. As soon as I read your response, I was inspired to leave work and handle this situation immediately. I was not going to let it interfere with another night. Your support means more to me than you know. I feel empowered again, but I remain cautious. This situation showed me how fragile I still am. I am a long way away from recovery, but at least I have created a support system. I can pat myself on the back for that. I reached out for it and look I have people that care for me.

Always,
Belinda

Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/06/24 at 6:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Yay! I am so happy for you that you feel empowered to stand up to your parents scare tactics. You took action on your own behalf and now you have the support of your therapist and your husband in addition to my support and your new friends on this website. I understand your fear and anguish reaction because I can relate– you have a wound from early childhood that reacts this way because they controlled you by inducing fear in you since you were a tiny child. But you faced it head on and you can see the truth of who you really are clearly–you are strong and you won’t be bullied any more! Yay for you! I agree with your therapist about ignoring the emails but keeping copies of them. In my opinion you will save yourself some anguish and pain if you just have your husband read them in the future and don’t look at them yourself. It is exhausting to be pulled into their distorted world again and again and you need this time to nurture your self and heal. But since you have your therapist, she can help support you through them if you feel you must read the emails. You have a strong compassionate true voice, Belinda. You are sensitive for a reason and you are helping others be strong by sharing this event in your life with us. This post/forum normally averages 4-8 views per day but the last day and a half it has gotten 26 and counting–I feel the readers are more than just curious, they are concerned, sending their love and support, and are feeling supported themselves because they can relate! You are helping many others by your strength and shining your light of truth–sharing your fear was brave and I am so glad that you did! Yes, pat yourself on the back! Well done! I am so proud of you! Continued prayers and blessings, Roxanne

Belinda

Dear Roxanne,

Thank you so much for speaking from your heart. I relate to what you are saying so much. It feels good to know that someone else feels the way I do. I know you have been keeping up with me and my personal struggles and I just want to thank you so much for being there for me. If i could I would hug you, really tight. I am having good days and bad days but you know what through all of this I am learning myself and listening to my body and trying to finally take care of myself. not only do I have a heart but others do as well. I have made a pen pal that provides wonderful support for she also had a narcisstic parent. We seem to be journaling together and helping each other along the way. I recently mentioned something to her that is starting to happen to me. the dark cloud surrounding me is starting to clear a little and I am beginning to see small mircles and joys in life. From my family to co workers to complete strangers. I am connecting to the world. It is very small but I am recognizing this and I am so thrilled.

The family update… After I emailed my parents and asked for no contact my father responded by threatening to sue me, I am sure you remember. I ignored the email. I received 2 other emails after that. In the second email I was basically called a coward for not responding and then he threw the guilt trip on me about how could I do this they are my parents.. Then the same day I was told by a neighbor that my father was driving by my house. I was also aware that he was calling my husband behind my back. He was trying to sneak attack my husband. Luckily my husband refused to answer the phone. In my own way I believe I was being stalked. I’ve heard it is quite common. I was very scared but I sat down that night and let him know that I was aware of all he was doing behind my back and I do not want any contact from him. The last email I received, he stated that he thought I was crazy and needed therapy (he has no idea I’ve been going for months) and actually told me that I could potentially hurt my daughter (what a horrible thing to say to your only daughter). He ended the email telling me that he and mom did not want anything to do with me. Wow, really??? isn’t that what I’ve been asking for all along. It’s as if no one is going to tell him the rules he is going to tell me the rules. Does it really matter to me who ends it , no as long as it ends. I felt is was necessary to explain the behavior because to me it validates everything I believe my parents are. Crazy making control freaks!!! It is as if he was having an adult temper tantrum because things did not go the way he wanted them to go and I didn’t do what I’ve done in the past. I am no longer their little liar!! I will not lie about who they are to me and how I feel they have treated me. My feelings are the truth. they no longer tell me what my truth is. I feel like a prisoner who has just been set free. Thank you God!!

I am still working through a lot of pain, but I know that I am better already and I am beginning to feel I mean really feel. Care for others and allowing them to care for me. Most of all I am paying close attention to myself and trying to take good care of me. I am happier and apparently it’s contagious because I truly feel like my family is happier. Thank you, again Roxanne!! Continue your work in healing, I know it’s helping me and YES I would love to buy your book!! All things are possible, my new father told me that!! The father that promised to always love me and promised to never hurt me!!My lord and saviour!!

Be Blessed!!

Belinda

July 12, 2011 The Process of Inner Child Healing and a Poem of Hope for Highly Sensitive Survivors
Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/07/15 at 2:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, Thank you so much for the wonderful comment. Big tight hug right back to you! {{HUG}} :) !! Thank you for describing the ups and downs of going no contact with N parents in such eloquent detail. Sounds like since you are finally living your truth, even though it is painful to upset your parents, you are now feeling the light of LOVE inside of you that was always there but was hidden in fear. Since your light is shining you are attracting the light of love in others and you recognize the comfort from this. Thank you for describing this–you are healing before our eyes! I am so glad that you are thrilled–I am thrilled for you! Yay!! Yes, it is hard! Yes it is painful! But look how strong you are and realizing you were strong all along! As you continue on this path of trusting your new-found feelings and self-expression, your hopes and dreams you never dared to express will start manifesting before your eyes. I like how you talk of “Caring for others and allowing them to care for me”–this is the essence of your highly sensitive soul. The love you give out comes back to you. Knowing this process will change your life. So happy for you Belinda. There may be challenges ahead but you know God loves you unconditionally and doesn’t want you to suffer. Yes! You get it! Congratulations! I am so happy to be a part of your new found awakening and FREEDOM! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences about the emails from your N father–this will help others get an idea of what might happen if they go no contact. Most people need a lot of support to get through it–It’s hard and painful but so worth it! And thank you for telling me that you would love to buy my book. It thrills me to help others through this website, my writing, and through my one on one coaching because…I’ve been there and I’m grateful to those who helped ME. I know sharing our pain works. Thank you again Belinda for sharing yours. With love and light, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 5:49 am

Roxanne,

Well, I am really needing your support tonight. My anxiety and stress is at an all time high right now. My father showed up at my home unexpectedly tonight at around 9:30 pm. We did not answer the door, but my husband turned on the front porch light so he knew we were home. I was finally forced to get the authorities involved. I called the police but my dad had left before they arrived. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I had a feeling that I was going to have to call the authorities at some point in time because of the nature of the emails I had received from him and the threats and insults he was making towards me. Fortunately, I printed up every email I sent to him asking for no contact and he also sent to me discussing the threats and insults . It was proof to the authorities that he should not have showed up at my home. The officer contacted him tonight at my home and spoke with him directly. It was necessary that the officer explain the reprecussions if he were to try to contact me and my family or if he were to come onto my property again.

1. It would be considered trespassing
2. It would be considered harassment
3. I had the right to have a warrant out for his arrest
4. I had the right to press charges.

I am scared to think what might have happened if the door was opened. My 4 year old daughter was in the house at the time and I am grateful that we did not answer the door. What was he thinking, we would sit down and have a chat. It would have turned out ugly and in front of my child. I remain in constant fear. I only hope that the information he received from the officer will deter him from futher contact, but really who is to know. I am fearful that he will still try to reach me, and rightfully so. Apparently, I am going to have to live with this fear. I don’t possibly know how to let something like this go.

I have been seeking therapy for a long time to try to heal from this, but with every attempt they make to reach me, it’s like starting all over again. Has this ever happened to anyone else, is anyone familiar with a situation like this. Is this something n parents have been known to do? I am truly at a loss of words. I still feel like I can’t keep this a secret. I know someone else out there has either gone through the same thing or is going through the same thing. I am very proud that I handled things this way. The officer said I did the right thing and I know he was right, but it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I called the police on my dad. I could just cry. I am not sure I will ever be able to get past this. I just pray and hope that this will stop. I will not be bullied, I will not be scared, I will not be abused.

Pray for me,
Belinda

July 12, 2011
Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 6:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Wow Belinda, I think you handled this situation superbly. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how scary this must have been…and still is! When I was 25 we moved near my parents only to realize we’d made a mistake. I sought out a local counselor to deal with the stress. She encouraged me to move away–it took us a year and a half but we did it!  …Moving was the best thing I could have ever done so that I could heal and get strong. (see post from Feb. 12, 2010) Is this a possibility for you? Could you move away? I think you should definitely consider it–the safety of you and your family is at risk not to mention just the emotional and physical stress of having constant fear, especially as a highly sensitive person, you need to feel safe! When you say it’s like starting all over again, that’s because the childhood wounds keep being opened by your Dad’s aggression, you need a safe environment to heal and it will take a long time for you to grieve the loss of a childhood lived in fear–but you can heal and regain the vitality that is your birthright. Hopefully, things will die down now, now that you got the police involved, he probably didn’t realize how strong you were and now he knows. Wonderful that the officer said you did the right thing. I am sure many others feel empowered to stand up to their abusive parents by reading your experience of having to call the police on your dad. I pray also that this will be the end of it for you. You did the right thing and you are very brave! Be proud of yourself. A wonderful counselor once told me, (after a stressful interaction with a bully in my life): “do kind and loving things for yourself all day until you feel better–you deserve kindness”. I have never forgotten her words and I say them to you and hope they help you to cope today and everyday. With love, prayers, and warmest blessings, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2011/08/11 at 3:12 am

Dear Roxanne,

I always receive your messages at the exact moment I need it the most. What a wonderful reminder to enjoy these hot summer days. You are a reminder to me that yes I am a hsp who is still recovering from an abusive past. It is a good reminder for me because it teaches me to take care of myself. You are a gentle reminder to me that it is ok to celebrate me and it is ok to take care of me and most of all I should not feel guilty about it. I am in the process of building that family unit that cares for me so until then I have been relying on you to be that support. You have earned that trust through your kinds words and unconditional love and support from the start.

From the last time we spoke, I had a lot to tell you and again today is the same. I want everyone to know what is going on for many reasons. I want to help someone else as much as you, Roxanne, have helped me and continue to help me. I want to speak up about the abuse I received as a child and I continue to receive as an adult. Most of all I am realizing that every time I write my story it’s as if what happened gets left here and I can move past it better. As soon as I write down my pain, the pain is diminished. So here it is…After the last fiasco, I had forced myself to enjoy the summer with my family, go to the pool with friends and my husbands family and try to enjoy. Through my socializing I came across a job that became available. I interviewed for it and just recently was offered the position. I am so excited about this new opportunity because it is allowing me and my family the chance to move. I have wanted to do this desperately to try and lose complete contact from parents but felt like it was impossible, but God put me in the right place at the right time. So the family will be moving soon and I am so happy for us right now. It could not have come at a better time because last week I received a letter in the mail from our county courthouse. My dad is suing my husband and me over some money we borrowed several months ago before I went nc. I knew he was going to try and sue us but I expected him to try the defamation of character lawsuit he had threatened to me in the past but I suppose he realized he had nothing on me. I’ll be honest the money is owed to him and believe me I want to get him paid quickly. I suppose from my standpoint I feel like he is just relentless in his pursuit. When will he just leave me alone and let me be. To me this is a pattern of his attempt to over power and intimidate. to my husband (who happens to be a father to a 24 year old daughter and 4 year old daughter) he sees it as just pushing a daughter further away. My husband personally would never think of doing such a thing to his own children, but once again my parents have managed to show their true selves through this. In the past, I would have had a total meltdown and panic attack, but now I lose little sleep over their temper tantrums. The money will be there but for fun we will not send it until the last minute. Of course, It will be sent through an attorney letting them know that after this payment there will be not reason for further attempt for communication. Am I scared, yes but scared less. most important, I refuse to give them an opportunity to see me in court. Just what they want a dramatic ending to their sad story. I am sure they are hoping to add more lies to their adoring fans ( the family). The idea that they are getting sympathy from everyone when they know what they had been doing to me only intensfies my frustration. To them impression trumps truth, so I am not only no contact with them I have remained no contact from everyone. What do I call this… casualties of war. Due to the nature of our family structure it has always been if you are not for us you are against us and that means all of us. well goodbye all of you and your toxic lives… It’s time for me to stand my ground and…I won’t back down. hehe!!

I loved your statement about us being late bloomers, it is absolutely true as a matter of fact I am still blooming. I am finding that being a late bloomer has it’s advantages when raising a toddler. I am enjoying her more now than ever!! Roxanne, thank you again for giving me a voice and enjoy blowing out all those candles. I will be smiling for you on September 9th and wishing you a wonderful and blessed birthday.

August 5, 2011 Emotionally Healthy Parenting Info. For Highly Sensitive People–It’s Time To Stand Your Ground!
Roxanne 
Submitted on 2011/08/16 at 2:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda. Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy for you and how well you are doing. You are moving on and finding your voice and finding the joy in life! Yes it is okay to celebrate–you have learned to overcome the guilt that creeps in by knowing that you need to be kind to yourself as you always deserved kindness and love but never received it. I love how you say “as soon as I write down my pain, my pain is diminished”. Yes! Once you can do this, you can heal from any pain that comes up in the healing process of recovery. (Some people are helped by a witness to this process of self-expression to aid in their recovery–a life coach or counselor can be a great help here  :) ).

What a blessing that you got a new job and are now able to move. That is the law of attraction working before our eyes. You believed that you deserved a better life and so it happened for you. Yay! I like how you talked about the toxic lives of your family structure and how you are enduring the “casualties of war”. I relate to all you are saying. Your comment will help many hsps out there who are struggling. You are a good writer with an uplifting, inspiring style! :) I hope you will please keep us posted with your wonderful comments.

Thank you for your wonderful feedback about my post. So glad you identified with my “stand your ground” message and about being a late bloomer. Yay! This is my hope–to help hsps to overcome their internalized negative messages and feelings from childhood and see the truth of their rare and special giftedness. You get it! Thank you for the birthday wishes, I appreciate it so much! Blessings to you, Roxanne

Belinda

Dear Roxanne,

It’s been several weeks and I’ve had a yearning to communicate with you but I am having a hard time trying to determine or explain how I am feeling these days. In walking away from my family, I have made every change possible within my control..emailing no contact, moving away, changing jobs, changing numbers, etc. I have also been making it a priority to exercise, I keep thinking that if I take better care of myself I will feel better. After all this, all I know is that I ache. It is a feeling that is not going away. I know that I am much better off now that my family is gone. The panic and anxiety and pressure to please is gone but it seems to have been replaced with an ache that I can’t seem to describe. Like I am at the verge of crying but it won’t come out. I don’t know what to do with this feeling and I am at a loss of how to fix it.

My hometown is in Georgia. I am compelled to tell you this because here in Georgia nothing is more important than family. Everyone I know has and loves their family. Every country song sings about family and friends. My parents moved from New York and eventually made their way to Georgia when I was a baby. So along with their narcissism also came a sense of being a foreigner. They are Puerto Rican and all my life they never really embraced Georgia and the southern culture. Growing up, I learned to love country music. I love the way southerners are, they know no strangers, but I felt my mom frowned heavily upon it So while growing up I always thought they kept people out because our cultures were so different but actually they kept out everyone that would see how they really are. I never belonged, never felt able to belong and now that I am away from them I feel more alone then ever. I really have no idea who I am, who I want to be and more importantly how to live in a town that would never understand walking away from family. It’s like an ugly secret that I can never really feel comfortable revealing. This is but a small aspect of what’s bothering me about my life.

How do I fix this or do I just live with this feeling? I am just so sad.

August 5, 2011
Roxanne

Submitted on 2011/10/05 at 11:29 am | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda, I understand this ache that you feel, it is many feelings rolled into one. Your job is to figure out exactly what you are feeling during those times and you can do this by writing out exactly how you are feeling (even that you are confused about your feelings) in a journal–keep writing until you feel better-you will be amazed at the truths that come out of you–you may realize that you are being too hard on yourself and that you deserve compassion. Writing connects us to the right side of our brains which is more creative and in touch with the compassion in our hearts whereas just thinking things through can often keep us feeling confused. You are such an eloquent and creative writer, Belinda, I feel you would be very good at this journaling process. Please read my posts from Jan. 21, 2010, and March 7, 2010–I think they will be helpful to you. This ache and sadness you describe is grief–it is important that you let out the grief of the loss of an emotionally healthy childhood and upbringing. Grief is a healthy positive emotion and it requires you to feel all of your sadness and let it out. Difficult as it may seem, it is a very important part of the healing process. You are healing. Sending you comforting wishes as you continue to heal, Roxanne

Belinda

Submitted on 2012/05/27 at 6:53 pm

Hi Roxanne, I am not sure if you recall me…you have a lot of wonderful followers but I just had to write to you. You have been on my mind for a long time. You helped, supported and loved me through the most difficult part of my life. Walking away from my narcisstic parents was the hardest thing I ever endured. I went no contact around this time last year and I know I could not have done it without your kind words and encouragement. I am so far removed from the girl I was last year…I can’t actually believe I lived through all of it. I know before you I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or really to be honest I had one and you helped me through it. From threatiing emails, to having to call the police on my own father I look back and can’t believe the inner strength I had to have to pull away from their scary, intimidating and threating ways. But today after one year away I must say I am happier then I have ever been. Yes, I have a long way to go…I am working on a lot of personal growth. I am still healing, don’t get me wrong but I am really coming out of the fog!!  Roxanne, thank you so much for this website and know because of you I am paying it forward. I have signed up to dailystrength.org and I blog, journal and positively support anyone in my group that needs it. I want to be there for someone who had to endure the same abuse I endured. I want to be there for someone like you were there for me. I have a testimony now and I share it with anyone that needs support and you are part of my testimony. May your website continue helping others find their true sensitive, wonderful and beautiful self!! Be Blessed!!

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Roxanne

Submitted on 2012/06/05 at 3:29 pm | In reply to Belinda.

Hi Belinda! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment and for letting me know how you are doing!!! :) I have often wondered about you but I never had a doubt that you would persevere because your amazing spirit, inner strength, and wisdom always showed through to me. I am so happy to hear that you are paying it forward and I feel humbled that you feel this way about my support to you–you were the brave one to open up so honestly in your comments and I felt it a real privilege to assist you because I knew it would touch many others who followed your story. I know there are others out there who would love to hear how you are doing as well. So I have an idea: I would like to put all of your insightful and honest comments that you made on this blog in one place since they are spread throughout different posts so that people who visit this site can have an easier way to access the healing journey that you experienced through this blog. My plan is to release it as a post first, and then make it into a Page here on the blog and call it “The Story of Belinda”. What do you think? I want to get your permission first before I do it–I think it will be very helpful to many, many people Belinda–people who are struggling out there like you were but are afraid to take a stand in their own behalf! Thank you so much for letting me know how you feel about my work and my blog–it means so much to me!!! Blessing to you as well with love and light and much humble gratefulness, Roxanne

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Belinda

Submitted on 2012/06/13 at 6:07 pm | In reply to Roxanne.

Roxanne,

Wow, I don’t really know what to say. I am truly overwhelmed with emotions…Sure, feel free to use my blogging any way you find it will help your website. I only hope that it helps someone else. After all this I am 100% a supporter for no contact. I support it, I encourage it, and most of all I try to let everyone know the true benefits of it. Reflecting back, my situation in the beginning felt like a lose lose situation but after time and therapy it turned into a win win. It doesn’t happen overnight, it does take time but I have to let people know what can lie ahead if they just hold on!!. I really want to be the support during the lash out phase, when a person is on the brink of cutting off contact. It is the most intense, scary, out of control place to be when you first walk away from a Narc!! I don’t wish this on anyone, but if they can just hold on, I promise that happiness is just over the mountain. It is the abolute crossroads between choosing to live a deep, fulfilling soulful life or handing your soul over to the devil and dying slowly everyday!! Roxanne, be blessed in your journey and please keep writing!!

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Thank you, Belinda, for allowing me to share your story!  Feel free to comment here on this post any time you wish as well as keep us updated on how you are doing!  😀

And to everyone else:  Now that I have a busier schedule and am working on other projects, I am no longer able to answer each comment with emotional support and guidance as I did here, but it would be great if this new post became a forum of support for all of you HSPs who are struggling to find the courage to go no contact with your narcissistic parents!  Express your voice here and leave a comment–I am sure many out there who are suffering in silence will be helped by all of your stories as many were and are helped by this one–The Story of Belinda.  It is my hope that you all become “free to move on” to become your true selves and help others in the process if you so desire.  (It’s okay if you are not ready to speak out and help others yet, compassion for yourself as you heal is rule #1–time alone to heal is important, HSPs 🙂 )

With warmest wishes for inner strength,  comfort, and love to all who identify with this story,

Roxanne

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10 Responses

  1. I was amazed to read this. Thank you Belinda for sharing your story. I found what you wrote about your brother really affecting: “He was a different child than I was. I was extremely scared, but my brother was a fighter so he received the grunt of the abuse. I used to think, man my little brother is not too bright, why is he fighting he knows that he is going to lose the battle, but now I realized he was fighting for his voice. He was so strong for a little guy. He fought them alone. I feel guilt over not being there for him as his big sister, but I can’t really deal with that now. I plan on addressing this at a later time when I am stronger.” My brother was the quiet one, I am the eldest and was the one to fight. I tend to think like you about myself: “Man, I wasn’t too bright, why didn’t I just do what my brother did? He’s so much smarter than me.” From your comment here I have received so much validation. I see I was fighting for my voice and fighting alone.

    It is definitely God that has brought me to this site. My father has NPD. I have known this for a couple of years now and am struggling to process my childhood. My mother also has issues, but my dad is the one I’m dealing with right now – the two together are too much, as they’re divorced. I had a horrible conversation with my dad earlier this summer that has left me wondering whether to stop contact, after a couple of years of trying to accept him as he is (I’m a Christian and felt that’s what I ‘should’ do). We (my husband and I) live 2 1/2 hours away from him. We are struggling with infertility, and I just can’t cope with him any more. No-one seems to understand how I feel about him – why he is so damaging. My husband can see how damaged he is, but he doesn’t understand why or how it affects me so much, and neither does my counsellor seem to.

    I’m so scared of them, of both of them, and I’m so tired of living my life in their shadow and under the shadow of my awful childhood. I just want to move on, find peace, and forget.

    Thank you guys for reminding me that I am not alone. Good luck both of you with your journeys. Well done Belinda for doing the right thing. You are a strong woman.

    1. cfb, Thank you so much for your comment. Thank you for your kind words that you feel you were drawn spiritually to find this sight. :) As you begin to seek stillness in your life in order to hear more loving guidance you will be drawn to more and more positive healing directions.

      Admitting you are scared of your parents is an important step to healing–Good for You!!!–the fear from childhood has been dormant within you all these years since childhood and now you can express it and feel validated that you have a right to those feelings. Give voice to these feelings to a safe person or in a private journal, comfort your self, and give your self the love you never got from them and little by little you will get stronger and stronger. When you are healing childhood emotional pain it is important to stay away from people who have a lot of negative energy and never look inward at themselves. They suck the positive energy out of you that is innate in you as a soul that is more advanced and who has learned compassion. You need to protect your energy level so you can concentrate on healing. Now is your time for healing.

      You say you want to forget but in my own experience it is wiser to remember all the pain first as it comes up for you — and then as you heal and see yourself as a separate special soul with higher levels of compassion as a gift, the past will be less important to you than the present moment and the future which will begin to be exciting and rewarding. I am so glad that my blog helps you to feel that you are not alone, there are many like you who are struggling to overcome a painful beginning of their lives and heal to find their voice. You were strong and fought back as a child which shows so much determination as a soul who KNEW you were not getting what you needed. Give yourself credit for that! You are stronger than you think you are.

      Unless a counsellor (or spouse) has had deep issues of splitting off in childhood because of abuse by a narcissistic parent it will be very difficult if not impossible for them to fully support the depth of your pain. To reconcile the guilt of no contact with your father, you might find it helpful to read the link on this blog to St. Luke’s Ministries:http://www.luke173ministries.org/466828. Sending you comfort, and encouragement as you continue on your healing journey, Roxanne

      1. Wow Roxanne, I did not expect you to respond! Thank you!

        Do you mind me asking a couple of things? When you talk about ‘splitting off in childhood’, what do you mean?

        Also, since I started to tap into the pain and explore my past about 5 years ago that now I struggle to contain my emotions. It’s as though having all those years of no-one to talk to, while carrying around such heavy things, (I didn’t even begin to talk to people for several years after leaving home at 17, I was that convinced no-one was interested), have now left me unable to keep anything in any more. When I start to worry or struggle I don’t know how to deal with it, and often what I do is panic and off-load it to others in an inappropriate manner. (I find it deeply embarrassing to admit this for some reason and this is the first place I have ‘confessed’ it!) I feel very overwhelmed by pressure and anxiety and I look for any available outlet to relieve the pressure, and that is all I can think about until after I have done it. Immediately after I started therapy this was a huge problem; my boss at the time (bless her!) had to tell me to stop writing letters to co-workers!!! I guess it’s like I look for the love and attention I was denied by my parents anywhere and everywhere.

        I feel so embarrassed by this, and I wondered if you knew if this was ‘normal’ for survivors of childhood emotional abuse?

        I am not confident in making decisions at all, it is very debilitating, and I struggle with overwhelming anxiety often. Having said this, things have improved so much since I started therapy that sometimes I barely recognise myself… It just seems that there is such a long way to go at the moment and I am tired. Tired of all the memories and the undermining voices in my mind and generally tired of fighting!

        Thank you again for responding and for all your encouragement. Your response was so uplifting to read.

        1. Hi cfb :) , When I said splitting off in childhood I meant… what happens to us as small children when trauma is too much to bear and there seems no hope of it getting better–Alice Miller says at the age of 5 or 6, hsp children with a narcissistic parent experience a trauma so severe that they banish away their true self and develop a false self to please the parents that is obedient and only expresses the emotions that are “allowed”. The memory of the event and feelings of the true self are “repressed” or in other words they are hidden from the conscious memory. We give up out of necessity from the spiritual and emotional abuse and the part of us that is wounded remains dormant in our subconscious until it is safe to come out later in life. Alice Miller calls this “splitting off”–it is the traumatic separation from the true self in early childhood. So sad and tragic but people can recover from it–I did! Helping people recover from this and reconnect with their true self and find their “voice” again is what I do as a life coach–inner child healing. I am happy that you found a therapist to support you as you regain all of your feelings that deserve to be heard and expressed–what you describe about disclosing your emotions with others makes sense–your challenge will be to discern who is a safe person and who is not and learning to set healthy boundaries so you do not get taken advantange of. There is always shame that comes up to heal as part of the recovery process–narcissists shame us but we have no truthful reason to feel this guilt or shame, they justmade us “believe” it. It is undeserved. As you gradually change the negative core “beliefs” you will realize that you have done nothing to feel ashamed of… I hope your therapist helps you to see this. Recovery can be exhausting at times–be very very kind to yourself. Compassion for yourself is rule #1. When you have bad feelings coming up to heal–take it easy, reduce all stress in your life and do nice things for yourself–be as kind as you deserved to be treated as a child, cfb :) –extreme self care!! For more questions please use my Ask The Coach Services which have just recently become available again. :) With warmest wishes for comfort as you heal, Roxanne

  2. Thanks for posting this wonderful trail of love and support. This is a perfect example of how a loving community can help heal severe childhood wounds and welcome the freedom we were intended to have from the beginning… God bless you both. :)

    1. jumpingonclouds, Thank you so much for the kind words–we HAVE BECOME a loving community that heals and welcomes the freedom to be our true selves, haven’t we? –Wow that sounds so awesome when you say it like that. Amazing how it all came together and now here we are. :) God Bless you for shining your light of appreciation on us and sharing your comment.

  3. What an amazing record of the pain and growth of your journey! Thank you for sharing……this is exactly what is am going through right now and your story has given me strength and hope that the pain and empty hole will go away and the joy of freedom predominate in my life. You expressed so beautifully and honestly every feeling and struggle. You are helping so many with this.
    Karen

  4. Hi Roxanne, Karen, Jumping on Clouds, cfb and others in the community,

    I have written a lot on the “Moving on from a Nacissistic Parent” portion of this site, but it has beeen a few months. Recently, I moved half way across the country for a PhD program in psychology (completely research-track and not clinical). The way I handled having both an NPD mother and an NPD/sociopathic stepfather was to treat my situation like it was a part of my research and not my own life. You see, I always loved the sciences and so I said, “why don’t I study them?” Both had/have high powered jobs in our financial sector and worked to deregulate our economy, so I am interested in NPD as it is socialized in our culture. Getting into this PhD program I thought would make me feel validated, and I do love being here and love being in research, but my mentor is more excited to study “these bastards” (although he never says that to my face and says it more with his excited eyes) and that makes me feel isolated because these unfortunate people were once my parents.

    It helps to write on this blog because I still feel isolated when no one else can understand what it feels like to have gone through the pain I have gone through. Ugh.

    Thanks,

    Lilly

    1. Hi Lilly,

      Great to hear from you! Thanks for reaching out and letting us know what you are up to. Yay for you! Good luck with your studies and congratulations on your getting in to the PhD program studying narcissists! I understand the dichotomy you are in and the never ending work of mourning required of us survivors. We understand, care, and we are with you!!!

      Sending love, comfort, and caring your way,

      Roxanne

  5. Please find below no contact rules I was given by another survivors group. They DO work. I have used them for years.

    Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them.

    Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact

    Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. This means business only… no personal exchanges.

    (edited for Children of Narcissists)

    ——————————————————————————–

    1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

    2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her.

    2a. This also includes… do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. If need be I will go NC with any friends/family who try to get me to break NC. Also includes contact to ‘explain’ No Contact to them.

    3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. I will block them.

    4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. I will block them and if need be, change my number to a unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them).

    5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked “delivery refused” and put back into the mail, unopened. (always return, do not throw away)

    6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.

    7. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all.

    8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

    9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them.

    10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it or write DELIVERY REFUSED and put it in the nearest mailbox WITHOUT reading or opening it

    11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or emails me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.

    12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it.
    OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy and toxic hopes that they will “get it” and “change” and apologize with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used ‘love’ as a way to intentionally hurt me.

    13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will REALLY happen?

    14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.

    15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, then get right back on to No Contact.

    16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move forward.

    17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment. I will stop listening to everyone else who doesn’t ‘get it’ or looking for the answer I want to hear, rather than the answer I NEED to hear.

    18. I will accept reality – The facts.

    19. I will accept others for who they REALLY are. (not what I’d like them to be)

    20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.

    21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying. I will believe ACTIONS not Words.

    22. I will distrust every time he/she has a “change of heart.”

    23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

    24. I must accept responsibility for maintaining No Contact. I will stop expecting them to understand or ‘get it.’

    25. I will keep my children completely away from them no matter what threats (legal or otherwise) they make.

    26. We must get effective trauma or PTSD counseling to help ourselves.

    27. Take time off, just for me. I must learn to love myself.

    28. Find out what we need and go after that in friends that are worthy and have substance, morals, and ethics.

    NO CONTACT IS THE END – no loopholes, no excuses, no exceptions. Period. Forever.

    {It can rarely work if you “pull away gradually” because NMs DO notice and DO things to suck you back in. You do NOT have to tell her or ‘write a letter’ – in fact I’d advise against it because anything you say CAN & WILL be used against you. NO CONTACT is something you just do. And it is so worth it – Barbara}

    Accept nothing less for yourself.

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6 responses

  1. I feel very torn … I also find myself looking up N info for hours on the internet and clearly seeing the traits of both my parents and my last gf and .. probably all my girlfriends with the exeption of one. I can see how my mother is manipulative but .. I tell myself .. everyone does that, its not anything exeptional, she also does not see it apparently so it’s not on purpose so how is she quilty ? The truth is I am 41 and very insecure about myself and I have ALL the codependent traits. I hardly ever see my parents and now my mother is complaining about that .. and it makes me panic just thinking about having to deal with her even more than once a week .. but at the same time, I am often scared when I think that they will die and probably I love them very much, in spite of what I did not get from them in my childhood, I felt invisible and left to myself a lot of the time, very alone, but I can’t get myself to abandon them and go no contact and when I am with my family I forget about all these things and everyting I read on the net and their reality is my reality again .. it’s like living in 2 worlds allmost. Is it possible to stay in touch and at the same time heal my deep wounds I have inside (but cannot discuss with them, even tho they offer to, they always use these conversations only to twist the knife in a little deeper ..) Do I really need to be that cruel to people (and myself) ? as they honestly do not know about anything they did wrong to me and they claim to love me. Also, right now I am dealing with panic , pain, much turmoil, is it a good idea to break contact with the very few friends I have left in my life for support ? I am scared to being all alone, but i want to learn to love myself, I want to own boundaries, but does that mean cutting out anything and anyone from my life ?

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    1. Take your time, Martijn. Give yourself lots of time to take in all this new information and be very kind to yourself about all you have endured. Seeing the 2 worlds is a good sign that part of you is awakening to the truth that you deserve better treatment. Allow yourself a long time to get more solid and more supports in your life first. Take your time and be an observer and yes heal your own wounds and do not discuss this part of your life with them–get a safe person you can trust to talk to and a private journal (follow The Artist’s Way book on my recommended books page.) No contact is a last resort (which requires strong supports) after you have tried many other methods of communicating your needs and lower contact gradually over time. Keep reading the comment sections in this blog to feel support from others and read the self-help books on my recommended books page until you find a counselor to help you deal with the panic attacks. Take a break from all the reading about Ns and try to rest and comfort yourself. You deserve to relax and take care of yourself now. Now is your time for healing. Sending healing wishes from all of us!

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  2. I thought I was the only one unlucky enough to have two narcissistic parents who are divorced, but who still join forces in their cruelty. Thank you for this story Belinda and Roxanne, if you still check this blog. It has brought me incredible comfort and strength, as I am feeling very alone in this experience.

    After recently turning 40 and realising I had also married a narcissist, seperation instigated by me but finalised by him was the turning point. I have been emotionally smashed open and realised the way my parents function is not normal and there is a lot of deeply buried childhood pain and memories that are now flowing out like Niagra Falls..

    Having a beautiful, loving, happy young son, and feeling there is something strongly pulling me away from this toxicity, I have no choice but to start this journey. It does feel like everything has happened for a reason. I can see nothing would have changed otherwise.

    The seperation was the start of my mother’s latest narc rage, this event unveiled my true mother. Even though I’ve always known something wasn’t right, I just couldn’t understand or accept it, maybe because I’ve been conditioned to not trust my feelings. I was told your trauma can bring things up in other people. Getting no support and abuse was the last straw for me with her. I had been distancing myself unconsciously but when I said I was done with the relationship as there was nothing good in it for me, she literally lost it.

    Continuing phone calls forced me to say to her that I was prepared to call the police. I turned my phone off and went to bed, only to wake up in the morning to over 30 text messages saying she was taking pills, drinking, going to kill herself and I had “destroyed our family gold star”. I knew she wouldn’t do anything but followed through and went to the police station and she was involuntarily scheduled into a mental health unit. The constable involved personally called me to warn me that my mother was blaming me for everything under the sun. You would think it could not get any worse…but it did.

    I had to collect furniture from my father’s place a couple of days later, as I was moving house. He had left things out on his balcony, minimal help from him too, still obeying my mother even though they divorced 20 years ago. I didn’t expect a confrontation, but he was fired up and it was obvious he had conversed with my mother. He told me in an abusive manner that “we are going to help (husband) get custody of (son)”. What type of parent says that? I think I might be alone on this one. You would think it can’t get worse…I followed him into his house so upset, I tripped fell flat on my face, sprained my hand, lucky to not break it and he laughed. A sinister laugh which will haunt me forever, but this was also the turning point with him, it had to be this bad for me to see his parental love is sick. I told him that his abusive step-father was him, there was a flicker of something registering in his mean, raging eyes. It felt good I must admit, especially when so much pressure and crazy making behaviour has such an ernormous impact on your well being, it’s nice to give some back even though this is not me. But it actually gets worse and resonates with Belinda’s story.

    I had called my mother’s psychologist to tell him what happened with her, as her public face is so very different from her private one and she clearly needs help. I am also now afraid of her. I also told him my problems and that I would like a relationship with my mother that isn’t abusive.

    True to form, a day later my father must have been in contact with my mother and he rang my psychologist, tit for tat, saying I have problem and then sent me a text saying I have a mental health problem. This was followed by another text a few hours later saying he loves and cares about me and no one in the family wants things this way. It must be years of abuse that stop you from seeing things that would have happened for the last 40 years of my life. Still hard to accept this.

    But I can see through it for the first time. I’m getting out of this toxic pile of sickness and starting again. They say seperating and moving house are the biggest stressors. I’m doing both of these and seperating from my toxic family all at the same time. Knowing you’re not alone and having all these people popping up and finding websites at the time you need them is amazing.

    Ironically, the only thing I got from marriage counselling was that the therapist said I was a HSP, I had never heard this term before. I intend to cherish this now. Whilst I don’t really have any parents I can trust now, well I never did, it’s time to work really hard for my son and I and finally let the healing begin. All this and I’m still standing. Things are going to get better.

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    1. Julie, Thank you so much for sharing your story with us–you have the support of this community for all you are going through right now! Wow!–Be very kind and gentle to yourself right now–you are enduring so much and deserve the utmost of compassion and to know you ARE doing the right thing for a new wonderful life for you and your son! Things will get easier in time, yes, absolutely! 😀 You are on your way! Thank you for your example of tremendous inner strength and trusting your inner “knowing” that detachment from the unhealthy people in your life is the right and healthy path for you! Your story will help so many others. Welcome to our community! With much love and light as you continue to heal, Roxanne

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