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Welcome To The Blog For Highly Sensitive Souls In Search Of Emotional Support and Guidance For Healing Childhood Wounds.

August 2014

New Post on April 12th, 2014! Check it out! 

You can read my latest blog posts by clicking on “Blog” above or in the side bar.

–Update March 20, 2014:  New changes to this blog are explained on the About Me page–you may notice the new name of the Blog (formerly Hope and Healing with Elaine) and also that I am no longer going by my pen name Elaine and have revealed that my name is Roxanne Elaine Smith. You may notice many comments and testimonials addressed to Elaine–please address all new comments to Roxanne now. :D Thanks!

I have an exciting announcement to make!:  My Songs of Hope and Healing, the inspiration for the name and starting of this blog, are now being professionally recorded (sung by me :) ) and available for download on my new music website RoxanneSmithMusic.com.  New songs are being added each week so please check it out!  Your feedback and support is greatly appreciated as I work to get my healing songs out there to everyone and especially to those wounded souls who are interested in the healing power of music in their recovery from an abusive, neglectful, or traumatic childhood to living a life of wholeness and vitality–free of anxiety and self-doubt.  It was the music that ultimately helped me to heal and inspired the creation of this blog and now I am thrilled to have been blessed with the opportunity to share these newly recorded songs with the world.  Thank you all for your loving support in this creative endeavor!  Please “like” my new facebook musician page-and help me get started!!-I will be putting all my songs on there and you can listen for free! With love and light, Roxanne–

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Hi Everyone.  Welcome to my Home Page! Whether you are new to this blog, or already a frequent visitor it is my sincere hope that you will find support, comfort, and inspiration on these pages devoted to highly sensitive (HSP) survivors of childhood emotional abuse (HSP is explained below).  As a highly sensitive person myself,  and as a life coach specializing in emotional healing of childhood wounds and trauma,  I have much personal knowledge and wisdom to share.  I love my work–there is no better feeling than helping other highly sensitive souls to feel good about themselves and their lives and to help them to heal their emotional wounds.  In my opinion, my clients are among the kindest, most compassionate, gifted people on the planet!

It is interesting for me to take an objective look at this blog now that I have had a break from writing the posts as regularly as I used to–there is so much content here.  The first post I wrote was back in January 2010, writing new posts every week at first.  In a fall 2011 post,  I talked about how I feel I healed one of my final big trauma-wounds—an abandonment wound from the time when I was only 1 and 1/2 when I was hospitalized for a week.  I couldn’t remember it of course but the emotional pain had been dormant within me and in my body in the form of an energy blockage.  Both ailments that I suffered from in 2011 were in my root chakra–I never knew about the chakras before and I had been kind of resistant to learning about that kind of stuff.  But it kept coming up in my search for answers to how to heal from this last ailment.  It helped me to put it all together when I read that health issues in the root chakra area may have to do with issues of abandonment.  Then it all came clear in the AHA moment I talked about in a post (see Oct. 2011) and I was able then to process and heal this inner trauma.

Since then I feel different–healthier, physically stronger, and wiser and with so much more clarity and calmness. For the last month, when thinking about what I was going to write for this post I was trying to think of a word to describe this feeling.  Then I saw Jane Fonda speak on Oprah and on Dr. Oz and some other shows and I resonated so much with what she was saying about “wholeness” and I realized that is it!  I feel “Whole”.

I feel I have come full circle into living my life with the vitality of my whole true self.  I feel more centered and grounded with an exhilaration about the wonderful things to come and for all that I have learned from where I have been.  I am so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life.  I have learned how to relax and enjoy my life.  It has been such a rollercoaster of a spiritual journey to come to this place and time where I can say that with confidence and amazement.  In 2004, when I started writing my songs and process through the layers of grief and pain that kept coming up and were holding me back, I never would have dreamed it was possible–the pain seemed endless as I worked through my childhood truths that had previously been long hidden away from me.  There was something inside of me that KNEW that going through the pain was the only way to get to the other side–that finding my true self was only possible by changing the “faulty BELIEFS” about myself that had formed in early childhood.

And now here I sit feeling very much healed with a new-found ability to recharge and comfort myself and find inner peace no matter what life throws at me and know with complete confidence and trust that everything is going to be okay.  I am telling you this because I want all of you to know it is possible for you too.  I feel so strong in spirit now with so much to give to assist other highly sensitive souls to heal from their abuse or neglect from childhood.

I look at the content on this blog and there is so much self-help information here–I am amazed at how I did it!  I remember it just flowed out of me easily for almost 2 years, ideas coming to me all the time.  I really was just going with the flow in my life at the time–it takes a lot, getting informative posts ready for public view.  I look over this blog and it feels like it is “complete’–I have had people tell me that it is an entire self-help book in itself.  Some people tell me they read 2 posts a week and it helps them so much.  Others tell me they start at the first post and read it like a book.

My two most popular posts, which still get the most “views” every day, have turned into a FORUM in the comment sections.  Part 1 has 124 comments!–half of these comments are written by me in response to readers in search of guidance and support.

Here are the links to these two FORUM posts:

1) Moving On Part 1

2) Moving On Part 2

For my 620 subscribers to this blog, I am going to continue to add Pages and release them as posts first then make them into Pages. Also, subscribers will get free sample chapters and discounts on any future ebooks I write and possibly a quarterly newsletter…after I figure out exactly how to do these things…so it won’t be right away. :)

If you are looking for some emotional support and guidance, there is much content that I have written in the comment sections of each post where I have in the past answered each and every person’s comment.  I am no longer able to do that now due to some new projects.  Frequent commenters have been jumping in occasionally to give support to other commenters when I am not able–it is wonderful to see this happening. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to help others in this way.

Please know, I am here–I am reading your comments and I know you are out there–I understand and KNOW first-hand the emotional pain you are experiencing as you try to make sense of the confusion and destruction of the spirit that is left behind from a childhood of being diminished and not being able to express your true voice or be truly “seen”.  I send my love and message of hope to you all.  I hope this blog will be a safe place that you can come to for comfort, encouragement, compassion, and most of all healing.

UNDERSTANDING THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON:

In my early forties, I felt empowered when I discovered that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  I now understand that being an HSP is a gift and for this I am truly grateful.  It means I am highly “intuitive”–not highly “insecure” or “weak” as many people have been wrongly led to believe by our American culture and media.  It also means that I am “Sensory”-sensitive which is not about emotionality–it means I am sensitive to sensory input that causes me to feel overstimulated at times–HSPs take in 5 to 10 times more stimuli in our environments than non-HSPs.  HSPS  are highly creative and often visionaries.  Here are some other things I learned about being an HSP that I would like to share:

1)      MANY HSPS ARE HIGHLY EMPATHIC.  Until you understand the benefits of being an HSP, it can be very difficult to understand why you are so different from those around you and why you yearn to “fit in”.  HSPs feel things more deeply and we can empathize with the feelings of others so completely that we often unwittingly “take on” the negative feelings of those around us.  We can end up feeling “bad” and have no idea why and blame ourselves for it when actually the feelings belong to the person we were just talking to (or sometimes even someone we have just been near).  When we feel bad for no reason, the common reaction for HSPs is to blame ourselves and mentally beat ourselves up.  For example, we say to ourselves, “what is wrong with me;  I should be happy;  everyone else seems happy and carefree so there is something wrong with me that I feel this way;  I must have emotional problems;  I am flawed compared to everyone else”  etc.  When we can recognize that the emotions we are feeling are from others, we can learn to stop this negative self-talk and let go of and release this negative energy that we have absorbed.

2)      HSPS ARE OFTEN TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES.  Becoming aware of how you are treating yourself in your head is becoming aware of your “inner critic”.  Your inner critic is always negative and always wrong about you.  Becoming aware of your inner critic is powerful.  Once you become aware that you are listening to your inner critic you must stop and say to your self, “No, that is not true about me!”  Then replace these thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself;  I am safe;  I am supported and cared for by the Universe (God);  and I am a highly intuitive soul and I am sensitive for a reason”.  Being able to change the way you treat yourself and talk to yourself will change your life!

3)      HSPS ARE LOVING, COMPASSIONATE SOULS.   When you love and approve of yourself as you deserve to be, you begin to shine the light that is inside your soul.  This light is the gift of the highly sensitive soul:  you innately see the good and the potential in other people;  you look to yourself to improve rather than blaming others or expecting them to change;  you are able to empathize with other people’s feelings with compassion;  you are a trusting and loyal friend;  and a very good listener.  These are wonderful gifts for a person to have for they are rare—and it is usually only the rare and highly sensitive friend that would point this out to you.

4)      HSPS OFTEN NEED TO LEARN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.  Being the kind and caring soul that you are, if you are not seeing the value of that, your worthiness, you will often attract relationships with the kind of negative energy that your inner critic is reflecting.  Also, people who are less sensitive and not intuitive at all are often drawn to HSPs because we absorb their negative feelings and they feel better around us.  Some of these relationships can really confuse us because these non-HSPs can “act” very kind and generous when they want something from us.  These are actually people we need to avoid because they drain us and are unable to reciprocate the giving nature that we need and deserve in a friendship.  Ending relationships with people who are really takers and manipulators rather than givers is a giant leap towards becoming the person you dream to be.  When you are able to take this final step for yourself and start listening to your inner guidance that is your gift, you are well on your way to a life of emotional vitality and wholeness.

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Here are lists of links to important posts within this blog:

OTHER POPULAR POSTS IN ORDER OF POPULARITY:

HSPs and Allergies, Food Intolerances, and Stress-Related Illness

Overcoming the Guilt From Standing Up to a Narcissistic Parent 

Helpful Tips About Healing Childhood Pain

N. Parents are the Cause of Learned Helplessness in HSPs

High Achieving and Intuitive HSPs Can Overcome Self-Defeating Behaviors

More Helpful Tips For HSPs with N. Parents

Part 2–More Helpful Tips of HSPs with N. Parents

The Misjudgement of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion

HSPs and Perfectionism–How to Heal Through Grieving Childhood Pain  

Forgiveness is For Your “Self”

Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Pain

Mother’s Day Survival Guide–If You Have an N. Mother 

The Process of Inner Child Healing

MY FAVORITES:

How My Best Counselor Helped Me

HSP Guide To Processing Anger

Journaling for HSPs–Over-riding Your Inner Critic

Childhood Pain Comes Up To Heal When Things Are Going Well

Why Summertime Can Be Difficult For HSPs with N. Parents

Overcoming Self-doubt and Unblocking Creativity

No More Guilt–Going No Contact

Holiday Survival Tips–For HSPs With N. Parents and My Musical Gift Recovery

Honor Thy Parents Only If They Are Honorable

Stress Relief For HSPs

Hope For Childhood Pain and Guilt

How To Cope With the Guilt As You Enforce Boundaries on N. Parents

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As a final note of support, I want to say that as a highly sensitive and intuitive person, you are part of a group of 15 to 20% of the population that is deep, caring, and compassionate with much love to give. Our giving nature is an inspiration to others who are also part of this 15 to 20% and a gift to the entire planet’s population. There is a percentage of souls on this planet that are existing “for themselves” and are not able to experience or give love to others– these include people with narcissistic personality disorder.  I believe these people are disconnected completely from their true essence and light due to atrocities and abuse so severe that they have had to “check out” and the dark beliefs they were forced to accept are now running their lives due to their own free will.  They do not want to be fixed, healed, or change so do not waste your precious energy trying to fix them, heal them, or take care of them.  They are like energy vampires and they insidiously try to put out our “lights” and diminish our belief in our gifts. You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad or zaps your energy or light even if it is a parent or family member. One fifth of the population is over 1 BILLION PEOPLE–and empathetic compassionate people are out there. When you begin to love yourself as you are, stop comparing yourself to others, and protect your self and your energy from negative, manipulative, selfish, or unhealthy people by staying away from them while you are healing, you will start attracting and finding more compassionate people like yourself in your life. Do not settle for superficial relationships–take the road less traveled.  It is the path to love and enlightenment and inner peace.  With love and warmest wishes,

Roxanne (formerly Elaine–I am no longer going by my PEN name–see About Me for details)

P.S. This page is now a static HOME page–in order to read my latest posts you must click on “BLOG” at the top of the page or in the sidebar under PAGES.  :)

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31 responses

  1. Hi Elaine, I am not sure if you recall me…you have a lot of wonderfull follwers but I just had to write to you. You have been on my mind for a long time. You helped, supported and loved me through the most difficult part of my life. Walking away from my narcisstic parents was the hardest thing I ever endured. I went no contact around this time last year and I know I could not have done it without your kind words and encouragement. I am so far removed from the girl I was last year…I can’t actually belive I lived through all of it. I know before you I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or really to be honest I had one and you helped me through it. From threatiing emails, to having to call the police on my own father I look back and can’t believe the inner strength I had to have to pull away from their scary, intimidating and threating ways. But today after one year away I must say I am happier then I have ever been. Yes, I have a long way to go…I am working on a lot of personal growth. I am still healing, don’t get me wrong but I am really coming out of the fog!! Elaine, thank you so much for this website and know because of you I am paying it forward. I have signed up to dailystrength.org and I blog, journal and positively support anyone in my group that needs it. I want to be there for someone who had to endure the same abuse I endured. I want to be there for someone like you were there for me. I have a testimony now and I share it with anyone that needs support and you are part of my testimony. May your website continue helping others find their true sensitive, wonderful and beautiful self!! Be Blessed!!

    1. Hi Belinda, Of course I remember you! This wonderful comment gave me the most wonderful boost this week as I am under the weather I am overcoming a “bug” at the present time. I want to respond further to your comment which I will do as soon as I am fully recovered. Thank you soo much Belinda. So happy to hear from you and that you are doing so well!! more to come…. With love and light, Elaine

    2. Hi Belinda! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment and for letting me know how you are doing!!! :) I have often wondered about you but I never had a doubt that you would persevere because your amazing spirit, inner strength, and wisdom always showed through to me. I am so happy to hear that you are paying it forward and I feel humbled that you feel this way about my support to you–you were the brave one to open up so honestly in your comments and I felt it a real privilege to assist you because I knew it would touch many others who followed your story. I know there are others out there who would love to hear how you are doing as well. So I have an idea: I would like to put all of your insightful and honest comments that you made on this blog in one place since they are spread throughout different posts so that people who visit this site can have an easier way to access the healing journey that you experienced through this blog. My plan is to release it as a post first, and then make it into a Page here on the blog and call it “The Story of Belinda”. What do you think? I want to get your permission first before I do it–I think it will be very helpful to many, many people Belinda–people who are struggling out there like you were but are afraid to take a stand in their own behalf! Thank you so much for letting me know how you feel about my work and my blog–it means so much to me!!! Blessing to you as well with love and light and much humble gratefulness, Elaine

      1. Elaine,

        Wow, I don’t really know what to say. I am truly overwhelmed with emotions…Sure, feel free to use my blogging any way you find it will help your website. I only hope that it helps someone else. After all this I am 100% supporter for no contact. I support it, I encourage it, and most of all I try to let everyone know the true benefits of it. Reflecting back, my situation in the beginning felt like a lose lose situation but after time and therapy it turned into a win win. It doesn’t happen overnight, it does take time but I have to let people know what can lie ahead if they just hold on!!. I really want to be the support during the lash out phase, when a person is on the brink of cutting off contact. It is the most intense, scary, out of control place to be when you first walk away from a Narc!! I don’t wish this on anyone, but if they can just hold on, I promise that happiness is just over the mountain. It is the abolute crossroads between choosing to live a deep, fulfilling soulful life or handing your soul over to the devil and dying slowly everyday!! Elaine, be blessed in your journey and please keep writing!!

  2. Hi, I recently found your blog and I have to tell you how very familiar everything you say feels. I admire the progress you’ve made. But I have a question. How did you get started on this process? I cut off contact with my narcissistic parent about 10 years ago, and she died 2 years ago. But I feel like I’ve been a holding pattern. The situation is no longer toxic, but I’m just as trapped as I always was. How did you start the healing process? How did you find the motivation to do it?

    1. Hi Angela, Thank you for your comment–this is a good question. I understand this “trapped” feeling that you describe. The answer to your question is not a short one–I have been in the process of healing since I started writing in a journal at the age of 14 determined to “find myself”–the motivation and determination to be happy was always there within me propelling me forward. Having children and being determined to be the best possible mother I could be and focusing on creating the best possible childhood for them so that they could be spared the self-doubt I felt was my motivation. Focusing on building their self-esteem forced me to purge out the pain and grief of not having this same encouragement as a child–I purged it out in my journal writing which I found to be very healing for me. The really deep inner grief work began in 2003. I describe my healing journey all throughout this blog in many different posts. For the best synopsis of my healing journey read the ABOUT page from my Coaching website hspsurvivors.com. Another post that talks of my healing journey’s beginnings is How My Best Counselor Helped Me…. Feeling trapped in a holding pattern is a feeling many survivors feel because of the numbness and dissociation we must develop as children to survive the lack of love and support that we so desparately needed and deserved. I talk about ways to break through this numb state in several posts but the best one to help answer your question is How HSPs Who Are High Achieving Can Overcome Self-defeating behaviors.. I hope these posts are helpful to you. Welcome to our community of survivors! :) Please let me know if this information was helpful to you. With warmest, caring wishes as you embark on your healing journey, Elaine

      1. Thank you for your reply. I did read the posts and I actually have the Artist’s Way. I think journaling might be helpful to me, but I just have not been able to get myself to do it. I never established the habit as a kid or teen because it wasn’t safe to put anything into writing – it would have been used against me. And I can’t seem to get myself to do it now. I keep meaning to do it, but never actually get to it. I’m self-sabotaging, I know, but I don’t seem to be able to get past it. Do you have any suggestions?

  3. Thank for doing this. You have really helped me! Please add me to your email list.
    Marie

    1. Marie, Thank you for your comment. I would love to add you to my email list to get my posts automatically but it won’t let me do it for you. You must click on the link on the sidebar of the blog that says “sign me up” and sign yourself up by typing in your email address–that is confusing, isn’t it? :) I am sorry about that. I appreciate your kind words of gratefulness. Sending you warmest wishes of love and light, Elaine

  4. Good morning Elaine, good morning to all:

    First of all, I would like to thank you for this blog, which help us a lot not feeling so lonely and misunderstood by everyone. When I read you, it is like I read my own history, and even if I am from a different country- Spain-, different continent, language (by the way, apologizes for my English), probably religion, etc….you and me are sharing exactly same feelings and experiences. Also, I open my eyes same year than you, in mi case in April 2010, with 37 years old, and it was like born again, for the first time in my life I understood that it was not me, I am just the victim…..For two weeks after discovering this, I couldn´t sleep, or eat, just remembering all the times she were cru, she humiliated me, she made me feel like I was shit, she used me, or I went to sleep thinking my mom did not love me……and next morning thinking I am crazy and how that could be true?¡¡ Moms are so loving and caring¡¡¡¡, able of the biggest sacrifices for their children, so, being a mom is the best disguise you can find in the world to hurt somebody and nobody is going to discover you or believe your victims……….

    Now, I am very lonely, my two non-narcissistic brothers think I have turned mad and crazy, one of them-52 years old- (the one like me, exactly, the other perfect victim for my mom) did not listen to me when I tried to explain to him what´s happening, he took off the phone; and the other one (42 years old, we grew up together) feel guilty because he is aware of several times things were not as they should be, but thinking is not so important, they were just mistakes anyone can made. He was the one privileged by my mom, so, he is trying to blame me in order not to recognize that the way we were educated was not fair or even “normal”; he thinks that the reason he were on drugs with 12 years old is because he is so intelligent, so smart, so advanced for his age, and a bit self-tortured, like a romantic poet….the truth is I was on drugs and alcohol also with 12 years old, but he doesn´t want to hear this because that means he is not so special one, only an abused children like me. Of course, according to them I am not an abused person, just a coward, blaming my “so loving-family” for my failures and my sad life….better than thinking that our sad lives (not only me has a lot of trouble, the 5 children- between 58 and 40 years old- 2 girls and 3 boys) have a lot of problems of insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt, posttraumatic stress, and co-dependence issues like alcohol, cocaine, marihuana, ecstasy’s, so on…..our family is the dream of a drug dealer, but of course, officially the only problem is me)

    Anyway, I felt like I never had in terms on wellness, but still I notice that inside my mind there is a lot of shit I cannot leave behind as easily, even if I understand how the shit got there. For example, I am a lot of problems loving a man, for several reasons. One: my dad* loved us a lot, he was the best man in earth, but my mom always humiliated him, so, if the only person who loves you is a stupid, and useless, a person who nobody respects, his love is also nothing, the love we received has any value. Two: Also, when I was 15 I felt so in love with a boy; when my mom- probably listening my phone conversations with friends- realized this, and that I was on risk to leave her or not being taking care of her when she was old, she sent my sister- narcissist like my mother, but less intelligent, perfect to be used for my mom deepest purposes- to try to avoid and destroy this love history, and I swear she did it. She was every day controlling him, in order I cannot get close to him to talk, saying me that “everyone was saying he is lying me”, “I was ridiculous”, “I am acting like an idiot”, “he did not like me or care for me”, “he was cheated me”, and as I was told from my childhood I was not good enough- ugly, not intelligent, or talented, good girl but not too bright, “not the kind of girl who man like” just good to be with mom at home safe and not become victim of a men, who probable wanted just sex or make a joke of me.
    I believed my sister- I was so trustful- and suffered so much, losing the only person I never loved truly, and feeling like I was the most stupid girl in the world, and believing that my instinct and my heart is so stupid as myself, feeling so-so happy for the first time in my life when I were with him.

    Again thanks for this site, is in my favorites now¡¡¡

    *one of the best thing about discovering how my mom is, is discover how lovely my dad is, the big sacrifice he did for his children, putting himself on front of my mom to receive as much as possible of the shit and mistreatment

    1. Hi Sonia,

      Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story–you speak with such wisdom about what you experienced. I agree with you–you see exactly what has been going on and you are reframing your new life with your new eyes to see the truth. It is wonderful that you have the truth of your dear dad now. Amazing how the truth can set us free and then we can begin the journey to healing. Thanks again for you kind words about my site. With warmest wishes to comfort you, Elaine

  5. Wow. I didn’t even finish reading this blog yet and now I understand somewhat of what I was going through blaming myself for being dysfunctional, something must be wrong with me for me to react this way. A lot of people with the ‘deal-with-it’ approach to life, say I am too sensitive and i am too hard on myself. they don’t don’t understand that things mean a lot to me and if I make mistakes, I really feel them and want to make things right and then I will feel better. I messed up so much this year, that I feel so awefully uncomfortable with knots in my stomache and I don’t feel like an INFJ anymore. I have never experienced this before in all my life. I am truly depressed and withdrawn for the first time in my life. I would like to confidentally heal from this year of my life so that I can go back to living again and gracefully maturing. I don’t ever want to repeat this year again of sabotaging my positive hopes and beliefs I have had since childhood that despite the abuse I went through, I was determined to heal and love and respect myself so that I could love and respect others.
    I feel as though I have to find out what triggered this reaction and heal all over again from negative messages and learn self-love and respect all over again. Yikes!
    Tara

  6. Hello Again!
    Read most of your site, and I can’t sleep. At first I was uncomfortable, but now I am OK with it. I know I can’t sleep because my mind is now beginning to process things it had placed on hold 30 years ago, and that’s OK – its extra work and it takes extra time. I feel like I am waking up from a long long nightmare. I know the extra processing takes extra time, but I’m no longer disturbed by it because I already know the outcome.

    In one of the posts there was something about dark entities and stuff. Sometimes I get the impression past and contemporary HSPs are like advance paratroopers from another place, here to accelerate the development of this planet. Sometimes we hit bad luck and opposition. Sometimes the setback seems insurmountable – but it is not! Thank you so much for unlocking this part of me! Its like you were an advance scout who did a lot of heavy lifting for the rest of us!

    The future is already certain: Victory belongs to light!

  7. I feel like I’m no longer fighting myself, no longer hiding from myself… its weird! N’s get HSPs to fight themselves, and to hate themselves, thereby cancelling themselves out. This is the ONLY way N’s can keep down HSPs. Its a cheap, one-shot trick – that’s why N’s play that card so hard: its the only one they’ve got!

    Once HSPs figure it out and re-align with the universe, N’s don’t last very long at all.

    Victory belongs to light!

    1. Yes, Yes, Yes!!! You said it all! The Star Wars Jedi’s win over the Dark side.–We are like Jedi’s (or paratroopers from another place :) ) so to speak–Highly evolved souls finding each other on the internet now to unite and empower each other to believe in our amazing gifts we have within to change the world. With your brilliant imagination, Alec, perhaps you could write a sci-fi book (or movie) that could inspire and unite us all. Ha ha Yes!!! Thank you soooo much for sharing these wonderful positive insights with all of us! Thank you for saying “Its like you were an advance scout who did a lot of heavy lifting for the rest of us!”–sometimes I think my soul chose a narcissistic mother in this life because I knew I could eventually overcome it to help others–helping others makes all the pain worth it–your words lift me up even higher and empower me forward as I try to find time and energy for writing a book and more healing songs to help others. With love and hugs…, Elaine

    2. Alec, Thank you for this wonderful comment. I agree with you about this–it’s the only card they’ve got but we are on to them! I agree with Healing Path–what you said here so concisely is very empowering.

      Alec, Please be very kind to yourself after reading my blog and commenting a lot–shame sometimes arises when we speak out in our own behalf–take it easy and reduce stress for a while–extreme self-care ,ok?, :D I look forward to hearing more from you soon and let us know how it is going. Sending lots of light your way, Elaine

  8. Thank you for your comments Alec and Elaine! I love what you said Alec about the only way to hold down an HSP is to turn them on themselves and how that is their ONLY weapon. It is very empowering. Elaine I LOVE your term “extreme self-care”. I know exactly what that means and having a term for it and knowing it is a valid strategy makes me feel less guilty about doing it. I also thank you for mentioning that shame arises when we post comments and how to handle it. I did feel that the first time I posted and it was awkward. Now I understand and am not as afraid.

    1. Thanks Healing Path for letting me know the comment about shame and extreme self care was helpful. Perhaps I should write a post or put something on my main page about it. Anyone else out there feel this way too after they comment? I am sure many do. It happens to some clients as well (shame arises) after a session of being deeply validated and then speaking out to me in their true voice so I thought it might apply to comments as well. Thanks again for letting me know, Healing Path. It is so helpful that you say now you understand and are not as afraid. Wonderful! With love and light, Elaine

  9. Hello again!
    Elaine and HealingPath, thank you for your reponses! I’m glad to have found you and I am glad we can help each other out.

    I felt a great sense of recognition-of-truth when HealingPath mentioned “empowering”. That’s exactly what it is, that’s exactly what its about – at a very fundamental, mechanical level. It is important to understand what power is, because it is the motivation for the crazy things Ns do. It is the reason why Ns have attached themselves to you. It is the reason why you will rebel – and be successful. It is the reason you will be free.

    It is about power, but not just power-in-relationships, its about power as in ENERGY, similar to electricity to heat. I’m talking about ENERGY in the sense that Eckhart Tolle describes it in “A New Earth”. As an HSP, you have power in yourself, and more distinctively, you have an “antenna system” which allows you receive power from the universe – and give it, too! You are powerful. You have energy, the ability to finely perceive, process, and transmit energy, and lots of it!

    OF COURSE you have this power & energy – why do you think Ns are always trying to extract it from you?

    Ns are a type of person, or spirit, or entity (or whatever, hehe!) who have forgotten, or lost, or been abused into forgetting this power. It is like the difference between plants and animals. Plants can receive energy directly from the stars of the universe – like our Sun. But animals cannot. That is why animals eat plants. That is why most of the food chain consists of animals eating other animals – because they can no longer directly metabolize the free energy from the Sun.

    Ns are like this too. Unlike HSPs or “normal” people, Ns perceive themselves to be at a continual energy deficit. That is why they are continually hungry. And that is why, to a narcissist, an HSP with an antenna system looks like an energy harvesting device. That is why you have been enslaved – because you look like an endless source of ENERGY.

    But pay attention to the energy dynamic, because in this is your power and your freedom. The person who has the energy has the “power”. If you were not a good person, if you did not have energy, and you did not have power, the N would not be interested in you. Simple as that. You have simply been enslaved by someone who wants energy. Every form of abuse the N has directed at you has been to steal this energy. Ns seek to belittle you and retard your development at a very early phase (~very early childhood) because that is the only system configuration in which they have an advantage. If you grew, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, you would rapidly develop “worldly” power as well – the power of POSITIVE relationships. You would be powerful, but just and fair. You would be powerful, but wise, and with X-ray vision. You ARE powerful, just and fair. You ARE wise, and you do have X-ray vision.

    But Ns don’t see the world that way. They don’t see you that way, and they don’t see themselves that way. You are a being so powerful that the ONLY way to enslave you is to capture you as a child and prevent your further growth, so that you can be turned from a great person into a rechargeable battery. You are a being so powerful that the ONLY way you can be defeated is by being tricked and trained and tormented into defeating yourself. The biggest lie Ns have told you is that you are weak. Oh really? Then why are Ns clinging to you? Why are you always trying to get away from Ns? Who is taking from whom? Who has the power? Who really has the energy?

    Ladies and gentlement, the jig is up. The game is over. Ns may have used deceit and abuse to gain power in the world and use this worldly-power against you, but they must fight continually to keep it, because IT WAS STOLEN. What are they stealing? Energy. They don’t have it. You have it. That means YOU have the power. YOU are the source – because you still have the antenna system to Hear The Source. If you are big enough to walk away, walk away, and let the parasites starve to dust.

    Who are you really? You’re not anything the N said you were. You might have very few connections to people around you right now, but that never made you lonely, because you could always connect to the positive energy of the universe.

    You are a good person. And you need to tell yourself that, because you probably haven’t heard it from many other people. And when you hear yourself say it, it won’t just feel good – you will recognize it as true.

    Your mission now is to continue your mental, emotional, and spiritual development (which will automatically make a good life for you) and help other people in your situation. This is the method for achieving justice and victory. This may end up being quite a fight, but remember this: you are not weak, you are strong. The world is designed to teach you that being sensitive equals being weak, but that is not true. It is the lie with which you have been tricked into learned helplessness. This may end up being a fight, because that’s how Ns operate, but if it comes to a fight, know this: You have access to more energy and more data than they do. You are not alone, and you are not crazy.

    Quite the opposite!

  10. Wow Alec! You are definitely in tune with the Universe because that is one of the most beautiful and again “empowering” things I have read. You are already on your way to helping people. I have been having a tough week and reading your post made me feel SO much better. My latest theory is that people in tune with the Universe share the same “universal truths”. That is perhaps how the concept of “one God” came about. I believe all the world’s religions are trying to describe the same thing but are describing it in different ways. Your post gave me goose bumps because it expressed truths that resound deeply in me but I have never even been able to describe or bring fully into the light, into my own consciousness. Perhaps I couldn’t because it meant acknowledging the truth that I was never really loved by my NM. Now that I am seeing that, I have gotten my voice back but I am still learning how to use it. Like you said, my NM struck early and I never really have had a chance to use my voice in this realm. You are right I never really feel “alone” because I’ve had the Universal Consciousness to connect to. The hardest part of my healing, the part I am at now, is trying to no longer hide in the Universe, to be more a part of my Earthly existence, to find out why I was placed here, to make more connections to people around me, outside of my own immediate family, even with those who are not highly intuitive with special “spidey powers”. I am trying to know and understand what healthy casual and professional relationships are, how to enjoy them and to trust when it is safe to trust. I am also struggling with the moral issue of letting Ns “starve to dust”. I don’t want to see people suffer, even if it is not my responsibility, even if I can’t and shouldn’t help them, even if there is nothing I can do. I need some way of being able to ENJOY my life fully without feeling guilty for not sharing a little of my energy with the parasites now and then. I have lately been settling with the concept of soul life vs. biological life and the idea that if I want to truly help their souls that I will not enable them to not learn the tough lessons they need to learn and to do their own healing that they need to do. After all, it is through intense pain, growth, introspection, and prayer i.e. “work” that I have done that I feel as free as I do to enjoy everything life has to offer. I guess they have their “work” to do to also to begin to heal and realize all the things that have made them the way they are. Having studied them intensely to get out of my own hole, I could probably tell them everything they need to know, but of course they won’t listen, and they need to learn on their own. With gratitude to all those “hooked up” Universal Gods and Goddesses helping the world out there! You rock!

  11. If you’re a good person, you have a certain standard of behavior. As a good person, even if you don’t do anything “pro-active” people around you passively benefit from your standard of behavior because, for example, you wouldn’t set out to harm someone else for your benefit. If you do pro-actively helpful things, people actively benefit from your standard of behavior.

    So therefore … isn’t it about time YOU started benefiting from YOUR standard of behavior?

    That’s right. I said it. I think you deserve to benefit from this standard too! Starting today.

    (Don’t worry about ‘em, they are excellent at worrying about themselves. They can probably also read, and they can find the self help section of the bookstore / internet, just like you and me.)

  12. Those are good, helpful points Alec. What I hear you saying is that N’s worry the heck about themselves, so we know they are taken care of. No need for us to help them in that area. We deserve to take care of ourselves too and unlike N’s we don’t do it at the expense of others. The way we live our best lives allows others to actually benefit from us taking care of ourselves. Those statements help blast away some of that sticky, icky guilt that holds us back from living our best lives.

  13. Elaine, I just discovered your blog. The intent of my search was business related so I nearly fell out of my chair as your words described . . . me. While business initiated my search, clearly the purpose of finding you is much deeper. Someone else in this world gets me (you and the other 15-20% HSPs). Wow! Suddenly my life makes so much more sense. I’ve known for awhile that I’ve embodied these characteristics, but I’ve never heard of the expression highly sensitive people. Some folks don’t like labels but I have to admit that in this case, I find much comfort in it. Thank you for the work you do and thank you for helping me understand myself better.

    1. Wow, thanks Gayle, for letting me know… and hearing you say you nearly fell out of your chair gives rise to an indescribable feeling of validation, exhilaration, and humility to stay the course that I am drawn to… :D comforting other HSPs and highly intuitive compassionate souls to see themselves clearly and begin to be kinder to themselves. Welcome to our community! You are a shining light, Gayle. Thank you so much for your comment.

      1. Elaine,
        You’re welcome. I’m excited to explore your site and learn more!

  14. My father in law is a narcissist and my mother in law has had to put up with a abusive relationship for over 40 years.

    When my kids were little they tended to not take things personally.

    There was one major blow up when I held him accountable for his actions and he threw me out of the house.

    Well nearly 8 years later, it has happened again, with me throwing him out of our house.

    My frustration comes from the fact that my husband and mother in law never challenge him on his disgusting behaviour.

    I believe that I now need to protect my family and keep my kids away from him. He is more than hard on them, he belittles them and makes them feel insignifcant.

    He will no longer be welcome in my house, and my mother in law will supprt him yet again.

    I dont understand any of this behaviour. My saving grace is a wonderful husband who has seemed to withstand the years of abuse.

    1. Lo Marshall, Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. You are right to see and take action about the truth that you see happening. Damage caused to loved ones of a narcissist in part is deep fear of not protecting them–it is deeply ingrained in us to protect our abusers and takes much strength, support and time to see all that you see. Your husband is stronger than he knows as a compassionate soul that is not passing the abuse down to the next generation–wonderful! Stay strong and keep shining, Lo Marshall. Sending warm wishes to all of you.

  15. Roxanne, I really appreciate this blog… I’m a 17 year old highly sensitive daughter of a Narcissist/codependent father and a codependent mother. I have brothers… but I am the only girl. (his “little girl”) It’s incredibly hard to function in my household. My entire life I’ve felt like I haven’t had a voice… because any time I speak out or dissagree, he lashes out… I also have social anxiety… and my mother knows how he is… and doesn’t say anything. I’ve just acknowledged all this hatred and sadness I feel towards him. I wish I had a regular, healthy father. He’s great at providing for the family… but his love and financial stability comes with a price. And that’s his emotional instablility… and fierce temper. Are there any tips you can give me? I can’t move out anytime soon… and am I wrong for wanting to cut him out of my life? Or atleast limit contact with him when I do leave? He has a way of making it seem like we don’t love him… if we don’t contact him 146 times a week.

  16. He feels like we owe him because of how hard he works. And he’s coming home permanately next week… and he’s going to want to “bond.” He’s very emotionally insecure…. so he counts on me to make him feel good…. (eck) Cause I’m usually the only child home. (Brothers are active…) And I don’t want anything to do with him. I usually stay camped out in my room (introvert, hsp, homebody) but he gets upset and thinks I’m sleeping all day. He acts like he’s ok with it… but throws it in my face any chance he gets. Help please? I’m really scared.

    1. Kendra, Thank you for your comment and sharing your appreciation for this blog. I am hesitant to give you much advice about how to move forward because I feel there is still much to be seen in your communication with your parents as you (and your parents) transition to being on your own as an independent young woman. However, I do want to tell you that I feel that you are a very bright, insightful, highly intelligent person with an unusually amazing understanding of psychological dysfunction such as codependence and narcissism at your age. You have expressed yourself and your situation very well and have an good understanding of your emotional needs. I am saying this because I hope you are planning to go to college and further your education so you can be the independent woman you strive to be, be able to stand on your own 2 feet and calmly and lovingly express your desires for respect and space as your parents adjust to you being on your own. In my opinion, Counseling Psychology might be a desirable subject of study for you–the world needs more insightful, emotionally intelligent people such as yourself in this field. Sending you my warmest caring wishes, Roxanne

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